Right now i am a big retard because this lemon NeoCitran stuff is kicking in. i am breathing like a big fat man, labored, all gross and heavy and through my mouth. everytime i bend over my nose starts running and my eyes get all teary. being sick sucks.

do u like people who are nervous all the time?

i don’t.

especially when they are talking to me. i know they are nervous and it’s my fault. because they are talking to me. that in turn, makes me a big nervous idiot. so the conversation between us, is something like, “oh yahhh, so i uhhm, i heard you’re back now, eh?” “yahh yahh i’m back. it uhh, feels kinda (insert ridiculously long, awkward silence) weird to be back. But it’s ok. i guess.” “yah, i saw your brother the other day. where is he living at uhh,(unnnnnnnnghhh…..) live now?” “Oh him, yah he lives near that old church. you know (dumb chuckle) the one that…….”

this is why i avoid people, looking at or talking to.

i think i should hide in my bedroom for the next few days. i keep getting more sick. yesterday i drank half a bottle of robitussin, had some weed and a few beers. that didn’t cure shit. rented that trash movie Heartbreakers with sigourney weaver and jennifer love hewitt. unnnngh. it is so bad and so long. neither actress was built to play a conniving little slut. luckily i was all looped-up, otherwise i’d be more pissed off. ah well.

last nite my friend and i were talking about dating and fucking and stuff. we both realised that there is no such thing as third base, or second. we go straight to fucking. weird. i wonder when that happened and how. don’t understand people who don’t want to have sex with me right away. if they’re all, “uhhhh, maybe we should slow down a little bit.” why the hell should we slow down? This is the guy who wants me to have his babies, buy a townhouse and minivan. gross.

I do understand that i’m the only one of my kind and not everyone is into the things i am into or comfortable with. But it’s gotten to a point where i can’t relate very well with those who won’t/can’t be outrageous. i get annoyed or irritated, confused even. Somewhere along the line, that normal, unpervy chunk of my brain, fell out of my head.