GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BREAK

i am too angry to bathe right now because i have to get this off my brain that is currently swimming in what i thought was brand new (sprayed) shoe fumes so i put them away in the box they came in and shoved it in the hallway closet to protect cid’s precious little (large) being from them THEN i went to do laundry (your favourite) and realise the fumes are stronger in the hallway so i sniffed all around opened the door to the stairwell, nope not from there, sniff at the neighbour’s door ok maybe it’s from there, grab my basket and walk across the hall to the other side/stairwell and who should open his door but the whistling genius typewriter clacking late nite garbage-shuting hero with a ceramic heater pointing into the hallway and a 4L jug of varnish/urethane something propping the door open, i look down at it and squint simultaneously cheerily sing-song hello at him then go down the stairs to the laundry by now my head is pounding from the fumes and my ponytail headache THEN my favourite drier’s lint trap is predictably full of someone else’s fluff and THEN i slip on someone’s spilled laundry liquid and almost cuff the back of my head on the folding table and do the splits. if i was wearing these new shoes that wouldn’t have happened, i wouldn’t have thought they were reeking of shoe spray fumes IF THE FLOOR OF THIS BUILDING DIDN’T REEK OF URETHANE.

ok next, i take the same stairwell back up so i can get a better look at this guy’s urethane get-up, i stand there doing the pee pee should i knock on his door dance then decide to come back here call fil tell him what’s up, should i confront dude or the super? i also put a towel at the bottom of the door to try and block this shit to no avail. so then your hero decides to go confront the whistler, i knock on his door and say hello? he says hello. i say can you not point that heater into the hallway it’s filling up my apartment with the smell and i have a cat and bla bla lblah can you open a window? his boots are on the outside of the apartment too for some reason and i gather he sprayed them and put them in the hall so we can all smell the chemicals? SMART. but no turns out his sliding glass door is frozen shut and he asks if i would like to come in and help him open it. so i do, but i am a weakling and can’t. part of me was like ok here it goes i’m going to get hacked to pieces and the other part was like awesome i get to see how this creature lives and turns out his apt. is exactly like ours except mirror reflection like anyone who has ever lived in a townhouse comments on when they visit a neighbour (that’s gotta be a meme right?) anyway i ask when was the last time you opened this door? he says last week and maybe he should put his boots outside downstairs? in my head i’m like YEAH MAYBE YOU THINK!??! why would you spray your shoes inside if your door is frozen shut?

i say do you want me to go get the super to try and do this he says sure i’ll just wait here WTF LAZY THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE but i go and do it cos the fumes have made me high and generous apparently, i go and lock my apt first though cos the fumes have also made me paranoid.

then the highlight of the annoying part is i get a lecture from the super’s wife about how they are now officially on holiday for christmas which means they sit fat in the apartment below us not answering their door while people stack boxes of chocolates at the foot of it and run away, the same woman who has asked me if i even lived here while i was doing laundry once not too long ago, the same one who has a cat who looks exactly like cid whom i have protected her face from near-mauling on numerous occasions, the same woman who accompanies maintenance workers when they come to fix things, coos at cid, refuses to listen to my warnings about him, ugh, moreover she is lecturing ME about the sign that they didn’t put up to inform ME that they were on holiday meanwhile the entire floor reeks like a urethane plant THEN her husband (super) shows up behind me oh wait i didn’t even get to tell you that i was trying to tell her that all i wanted was for the dude to go upstairs to help open the door and she says well isn’t there a man up there right now to help you?

!!!!

i say no my bf isn’t home at the moment but anyway the door is frozen shut i tried to help him open it but i am not strong enough (maybe if he fed the animals like me on a regular basis or took pictures of shit on his balcony that wouldn’t have happened) and the guy is waiting up there for the super, she says the super is already dealing with something on another floor (the actual cause of the urethane smell, a woman varnished her floors two floors above us!) ok so you’re “on holiday” (i know this now from your rude and pointless lecture) yet your husband is “dealing” with “something” upstairs? also it was basically like OH someone else needs help ok we can help them then.

ok so he appears behind me we get in the elevator together, awkwardly, i say ok the smell is all over our floor, that guy’s door is frozen, help him.

thank you.

WHY

DO

I

GET

THIS

BULLSHIT

TREATMENT

WHEN

I

DO

A

FAVOUR

FOR

SOMEBODY

ELSE?

why do retarded people exist and exclusively live in this building? why do i care if you are or aren’t on holiday? why do you care if i feed a squirrel and write a rule about it in a notice? why is it so blatantly obvious that everyone in this fucking building hates my guts why do i want to buy fart bombs and leave one on every fucking floor right now?

THANK YOU FOR RUINING LAUNDRY DAY AND BATH DAY!

also steve you forgot your phone here i am going to take it apart into a million pieces because it keeps on buzzing yes i keep opening it and closing it but still it buzzes, did you not notify the universe of your intelligence of going on a toronto trip and leaving your phone at your friend’s place and they will have to wait a few days til you get it back to call you?