My standup set

Because you guys have been so Raymazing I have decided to just post my entire 6 pages of notes from that 15 Year Raymiversary party, half of which I read that night and half of which I did not. I’ll intersplice (is that a word?) it with miscellaneous pictures throughout this post. Now, I’m not saying I tanked exactly… Jared just said I was most funny when I threw these notes away, but I needed them because I wasn’t prepared I was too focused on everything else which I’ll talk about another time which yes involves some minor drama. When you do public anything, you just do it and be afraid later. That’s what Dave Love and I talked about last night at our gig, oh, you weren’t there? Bugger. We have a drummer now and his name is Dave Love, which I just mentioned. He plays bongos and a radical box drum kit something to our cover songs we heart him. AND We are playing next on NYE at an epic house party that I am also celebrity bartending at. A lot of famous bands will be there. It’s the 10 Year Anniversary of 159 Manning. EPIC. More deets HERE clicky clicky! I bartended a 159 Manning Party 2 years ago and lemme tell you, best night of my life in terms of New Year’s Eve. Aside from maybe last year when I got hit by a firework in The Netherlands for NYE. Don’t ever say I’m not gangster. The point is I know it will be good times and I don’t even care if you listen to me because everyone else is already going cos Tim can sure throw a party.

Enough about that and onward with the Raymisms. You might actually be offended by some of this. Good!

Most people think I’m crazy because they don’t get me but most people are stupid so how is that my problem?

God I love singing just stick with me and we’ll all get through the next 3 hours alright sweet.

Did you guys notice the RTM drag queen walking around? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do shake my own hand, or kiss myself? Make sure you get a picture whatever it is.

(Wear papas watch, make joke about it being his vacation watch)

So I learned this disgusting thing the other day about you guys. About something gross that men do when they’re pissing. You know those pooh signatures on the toilet, they pee AT them to disintegrate them instead of flushing them away or wiping them. I guess it’s resourceful if you really consider it. But don’t worry I do lots of gross shit too. To the extent of seeking out other people to do gross shit with, like, if we aren’t farting to the point of shitting our pants together then this isn’t gonna work.

I like how when you get in a relationship you like immediately gain 10lbs wtf is that??? Why does happy = fat? Fat does not equal happy in my equations not to be a mathlete or anything here because when I’m alone I’m depressed and running like a lonely depressed maniac I think you just stop running and then it becomes a Canadian winter and you hibernate together then in the spring It’s like PEACE then you run again, alone, BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! Then you find one again and repeat the wicked fucking cycle and one day you wake up 40 and wonder what the fuck you have done.

Dont put on Hawaiian tropic oil BEFORE breaking up weed for a joint and sit in a window breeze. Ever! Shit gets all over you!

It’s nice to just hang out with your friends sometimes so you don’t have to shave your pussy.

(Read your text messages with dave about being magical beings of light and inspiration)

Everyone knows I’m hot now so deal with it kablam!

When you’re a famous blogger sometimes you have to realise that when strangers or fans are talking to you they think they’re talking to a superhero so you gotta fucking be one or be consistent with the online shit they think that you are. They get this little twinkle in their eye and then I’m like OK BE RAYMI THE MINX RIGHT NOW. (elaborate/ramble on this)

I used to work here and clem said if I was still working here in a year’s time I would fail in life. So ah yeah can I have my job back Clem.

So yeah hi I’m a blogger, Ive been blogging for 15 years. For fifteen years I have been talking about myself like I am all that and a bag of chips and sometimes I try to look attractive while doing it. I play the game. It’s a lot of work being this self involved I fucking mean it. I hate myself just as much as you do don’t worry. Sometimes I am like boy I wish my blog topic was apples and the weather and I was really good at being the number one weather blog about apples, like, fucking awesome shit right. Animated gifs of lightning bolts. What I mean is when you have those periods of self-loathing but you have to shine on cos you made a blog all about YOU! OMG SO MUCH YOUNESS! Much wow. If you have a lifestyle blog about yourself then you will understand what I am talking about. You don’t need to be a blogger to be a narcissist though, there are many people in other industries who are actually more about themselves than a blogger or just as much, they just happen to be successful professional adults with careers and their lives in order and more money to spend on themselves that they love so much. Meanwhile I convince brands somehow that people suck my dick, I have hip influence more than others so give me free shit yo. Maybe I just know how to wear a sweater, like so, effortlessly casual and I make winter slob outfits look amaaaaazeballs. I don’t know people, why do we do the things we do and why does it influence people? Do I ever feel influenced? No I am probably too arrogant to admit it. I would probably take credit for my own birth.

Anyway, it’s funny getting in self-important fights just to defend taking selfies to people, fights they initiate and you can see coming a mile down the road. They happen all over the place. With boyfriends. And I’m at this point in my life where I’m a 31 year old in control of her own self chick so I defend it instead of what I used to do which is to be smug and just downplay it, now I’m like IT’S COS THIS IS WHAT I DO! I blog! Wah. And I can hear it in my voice how absurd it sounds but it’s true sistahs you got to own thy shit!

It always ends badly with the internet and dudes though cos they get snarky about all of this bloggy world whereas I grow increasingly more defiant and protective about it because it’s my baby I am my own baby, baby, and if you can’t accept that then we got an issue here. THAT! Is why I say fuck people. I choose internet. I wrote this material prior to a fight my new beau and I had about this very same topic cos I felt it coming on and as writers, as comics, you write about your life so this is my life. I wrote about it. I remember looking at him and saying I am not going to change for anybody. Oh yeah I won that war. You’re not coming between me and my blog. I didn’t say that to him I said it to you in my stand-up notes but just shush and listen to my soap opera will you. Then I went on a tangent about spending too many years catering to the whims of giant fucking assholes not taking my picture in the fancy whatever restaurant we went to and both dressed up for I just outright despise someone who takes a disagreeable stand for no reason other than to just take a stand, and be wrong. Capital fuck you. No not every moment needs to be captured but if thats what I wanna do and it’s what I have done for 15 years then lordy I am gonna do it. Everyone gets set in their ways over the years. This now MY time.

Also in the middle of us dating after the first two week fuckathon romance dwindled cos I had some health issues that killed my fuckdrive, and we needed a little space like a one day break or whatever and I felt fat from date weight I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I was already going home anyway but I thought you think you might have won this battle but I will win this war! So I walked over at him naked as a, naked bird, and did that tip-toe standy thing that makes you look like the naked silhouette of a statue and has ALWAYS been my move and so he lunged me and I won. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Sex IS about winning! And once you start having sex again you’s gots to have it ALL the time or the semen is the demon within you. Ew yes lol.

There’s a LOT more actually but I’m gonna cut it in half. Ran out of time. Hope you enjoyed the TMI. When you write down the material it’s wicked NSFW right? I’ll save my Bill Cosby joke for next post.