HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

i love you!

someecards

ps. happy birthday blog! here is the very first post on ye olde blogspot i ever plunked in. umburrussing! and while yer at it here are all the other stupid things i wrote during that month.

fil just told me he has to buy lesbian deodorant. 2 points if you know what that means and who invented it.

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read this guy’s comment see i told you so.

oh i’m SO happy for you what an awfully wonderful awful surprise!

holy moly look now boots are named after me way to go deisel coolness stealers! i like them in this colour better.

did you know that you could faint from the pain of ripping out a teeny hanger off your toenail in the bathtub and see stars? fil was playing wii and i almost called to him to warn him that i was in serious pain from this little nail growing all wonky from the last two-thousandth time i tore my toenail apart (habit), i wanted him to know what was about to go down in case i did pass out and drowned in a half foot of water (yes that painful) but i didn’t bother because i sat there looking down at it and in-between praying (yes) and chanting some non-sensical mantra i got the idea to just squeeze the hell out of my toe to stop blood-flow and hopefully pain-receptors too i dunno i’m not a surgeon. anyway it worked and i ripped it out. i only wish the brilliant idea to squeeze my toe occurred to me sooner when i was 1/4 millimeter by 1/4 millimeter eeking the beginning stages of that fucking nail out of there, wincing and crying pathetically the whole way.

why christie is single. a brief tour of suicide girls is interrupted by a dungeons & dragons manifesto oh man.

i was stalking your blog as usual, and came across a picture that
screamed toilet to me for some reason. anyway here’s the end result.

-A

this dude has been frostbiting it in the fridge for over a year now, fil was so hung sunday i decided it was time to part ways.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! the fact that it is barfing itself out of itself is not a good omen.

when i grocery shopped as fatraymi i used to throw in a bunch of cheap “meals” because we are both garbage disposals and finish EVERYTHING that enters this condo within 24 hours, not kidding. anyway, we finally put our foot down with doing that. it’s quality, not quantity.

99 cents worth of pure ecstasy.

everyone keeps telling me i am going to lose my ass if i keep losing weight and to that i say sorry, impossible.

and YOU wish!

welcome to the ten millionth episode of good idea bad idea.

i had a pet cat named sheeba who looked exactly like this guy. sigh. siamese cats are awesome because they are insanely neurotic.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

looking at the time the first picture was taken and then the last picture of the empty plate, there was a four minute difference. savages.

5.30 in the morningish, maybe 6 who knows.

right before i ex-communicated cid to the hallway towel closet, dude is the size of a football field and kept attacking my arm because it was in his way.

dooooooood.

i accidentally shook way too much salt all over it and had to get another plate (a new plate not a new piece of fish, i’m not an asshole) i am trying to think up a funny salt joke comparsion but i can’t. oh i know it was like that scene in pure luck when martin short chooses the ONE salt shaker danny glover purposely fucks with to test how bad martin’s luck actually is. i love that movie i think it is in my top 20 of favourite comedys of all time. i was angry because i was already regretting eating this pile of grease and then to top it off i poured cardiac arrest all over it.

seriously way too much. when we ordered fish n chips for dinner as a kid we would get ONE order of chips to share between the four of us, one to yourself is just gluttony.

ps. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!!!!! it’s like the fountain but ten million times more depressing because it is real. video of it here. fil doesn’t think it’s real because the guy’s ponytail is too nice, yeah thanks expert.

“rum does not get me drunk.” – captain patrick pitt.

me doing roy orbison karaoke video.

uuuungh this is what last call looks like i spilled my whiskey the second it arrived. got another one though, for free.

ok this is pitt doing elvis costello. you’ll note he gets told to get down off of a chair by an irish bouncer, i knew it would happen, but encouraged him to stand on it anyway. i think the irish thing gave him about ten seconds extra for his little chair performance.

our first chippy’s experience.

ordered two lunch specials way too much food.

if you bring in a rental from queen video you get half price chips, we planned to do this, but stupidly returned two movies before going to chippy’s cos we were toying with the notion of going to see a movie so no rental, and thus no half price chips. meanwhile i have two rentals in my fucking purse and if we had just waited half an hour longer, or even had the sense for this to occur to us like, period… smrt!

oh wait i’m wrong fil says you get a free side in addition to your order, so like coleslaw or tartar sauce, still we fucked up.

not feeling so hot.

i wonder when i’ll get my first heart attack.

this enormous woman was on her lunch break talking on her cellphone and eating at the same time and she would say certain things that made me think she was talking to me and i kept turning around to respond. isn’t the point of a lunch break to not talk?

we are about to embark on a chinese food adventure now so i don’t feel like looking at or posting more photos of these guys. i ate like ten fries then packed the rest to go with condiments and all that and gave them to this nice homeless guy who always says nice things to fil and i when we pass him. he said how did you know that i eat? pretty funny.

then we went to see the mist at scotiabank theatre, killed time at indigo first. i think from now on i can only see matinees. walking around indigo with bloodshot eyes and a whiny demeanour, FUN! i bought my dad a birthday card (nov. 28, also same day as my blog’s anniversary too) and i also got him a children’s book of a christmas carol, his favourite holiday movie.

perfect weather to feel shitty by.

i can’t think of anything that i actually want this year other than a new laptop and money which i don’t expect to get, i’m happy enough just looking at xmas junk and deluding myself into thinking all is right in the world and my life is as good as a christmas card.

yeah this was funny in grade 8 when we fought over sharing all the things written on panhandler’s signs we saw in big bad toronto, it’s ten fucking years later, i think it’s time to step it up a bit, i mean, i don’t have a job so i try to be as clever as possible to make up for it. there’s your verbal abuse pal, but you weren’t around for me to say it so no change.

yeah it’s weak, what do YOU got?

*update* i didn’t beat nausea at all. i tried to go back to sleep but the second i closed my eyes a tidal wave of spew almost came out of my face so i’ve been watching garbage television on the couch since i last wrote here. fil says his stomach feels queasy too he thinks one of the mediterranean dips were bad, i only had 2.5 perogies. i am never ever eating anything again OVER IT! oh except i am going to inhale some fish n chips later on because i watched restaurant makeover redo a fish ‘n chips shop and when i see pictures or video footage of something i can’t get on with my life until i acquire it myself.

should i call the pourhouse and ask them how they plan to compensate me for my hours of lost sleep and 40 dollar bill because of their sunday night cuisine, or let it go?

i guess i could email them pictures as proof.

i’m not going to bother, next i go back there, if i go back there, i’ll mention it to a waitress and see if she’ll pass it on, oh who cares.

me right now.

i take some of my blog titles out of this genius book.

evil delicious perogies! i guess i have developed a sensitive palate when it comes to starch and grease now, you deprive yourself of something you truly love and then one day decide i’m going to go wild and indulge. idiot.

i like this house, if you squint you can see the head of a bald white dude in the left window, he had a tuxedo tie undone around his neck and a tuxedo shirt and was just standing there, maybe he was talking to someone at the bottom of the stairs, i don’t know. he looked lost.

christie has like fifty french roommates, they were all out. lets see if they notice my little gift. my mom was born in montreal so i am permitted. we were all going sacrebleu! in french accents after i did that.

look what i got.

a mysterious friend gave me it.

this is a picture of my ass. the bed is a mess of all my laundry because up until the last minute i was planning to go to that playboy party, i tried on many outfits. i did watch the girls next door when i got home, though. i asked fil if i can buy him the box set dvds for christmas and he pretended to not like the idea. it’s really a gift for me. i like the wet blanket one the best she is wicked manipulative and needs a lot of attention, she reminds me of j. good.

if anyone from playboy is reading this, yes i will be in your magazine.

i think i beat nausea and now i am starving haha.

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since i’m awake i may as well post pictures of mila kunis, the most fabulous female on television since mary tyler moore. (i heard she was 15 when she started on that 70’s show can you believe it!)

Mila Kunis and her family moved from Ukraine to LA when she was 7.

Mila Kunis has 2 different color eyes; one is green, the other is blue.

Mila Kunis’s given first name is Milena.

Mila Kunis learned to speak English from watching the Price is right. She said Bob Barker talked slow enough for her to understand him.

Mila Kunis’s favorite comedians are Robin Williams and Adam Sandler.

Mila Kunis’s hobbies are collecting teddy, beanie & ceramic bears, swimming, bowling, shopping, ice skating and learning golf.

Mila Kunis missed her senior prom due to a schedule conflict.

Mila Kunis’s favorite food are Pop-Tarts and Panda Express.

i give this post 6/10 for stalky.

and omg.

unnnnngh i am wearing a blanket right now and have been awake since 5am. i cannot eat perogies-type foodstuffs, i have nausea gutrot and i am trying to beat barfing. this is like that one time after eating at eastside mario’s with my dad a medley of pasta stuffed with disgusting and crabcakes.

why come when you feel sick all you can picture in your head is every puke-inducing thing you ever ate?

this hour of the day is madness. you feel like a spy and any activity or movement outside the window has to be a ninja, there is just no other explanation for it.

and no i am not pregnant i just finished my period. and we didn’t go to that 70s playboy party either, we visitted christie and laura, and stupidly drank the caesars and rockstars* i told her to get us, then shared perogies and a mediterranean plate at the pourhouse.

*the rockstars were her idea though i did not oblige them.

i woke up at five thinking of a wicked burn about how christie already has stuff on facebook by the time i wake up she probably starts uploading it from the club she’s at before she gets home. then i had two glugs of brita water and it triggered something so here i am now how wonderful.

burn on me she hasn’t put anything up yet.

this is so lame! i was on the couch thinking about people and existence (I KNOW!) and trying to lie in positions that wouldn’t make vomit happen, thinking about how gay it is to be thinking about strangers i don’t even know then i started getting mad at this person who doesn’t exist for making me think about them at 5 in the morning while i am so sick feeling on the couch and what a selfish prick they are. i am big into transference in case you didn’t know.

i am drying out for at least a week and i am not smoking either, that’s the shit that puts me over the edge, having a cigarette when i’m already feeling knackered, so stupid, and it gets me everytime.

here i am smiling because i just opened that big bird present. in his back you put a cassette and he would narrate a story for you and his beak moved, i also had a snow white and the seven dwarves book with cassette and put it in big bird sometimes to see him talk like a woman because i was gifted.

ok because i was an asshole.

guess how fun it is trying to get snowpants over your shoes and pants after inhaling rum all nite long and getting a shirt over your sweater it’s like trying to do the frontcrawl underwater IMPOSSIBLE! (you look like the creature from the black lagoon, try it on a younger sibling of yours it will scare the shit out of them btw.) fuck, who knew underwater was a compound word, i didn’t. thanks google and while i’m at it, am i the only one who thinks it is ironic that compound word ISN’T a compound word? i mean REALLY people.

from shrapnel.

hahahahhahaha slurry rum trivial pursuit party video.

here i am getting a question wrong don’t laugh at me, i heard beer and then i couldn’t focus on anything but. at least i am cute.

napoleon dynamite opening credits commentary by raymi and pitt video. don’t trip over the slurs. pitt says the white stripes song reminds him of me and fil because we are like jack and meg aw what an irish potatohead with a heart of gold he is, not unlike a leprechaun HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA oh fuck i am funnier than dave chappelle right now.

oh god i found a video of myself on the internet i forgot that i uploaded.

does anyone want this? i’ve worn it like never and washed it after every use, it is size large (still on the small side) i just can’t pull it off, you have to tie it wicked tight around your neck and stand 180 degrees and pose like a model. i paid 55 for it, and now it’s 50, but you can have it for 35. lemme know.

i tried it on cos we are going to a 70s playboy party tonite and i was going to wear it with short shorts but i looked like a fucking plum and i am too insecure to deal.

Phil: ha
why should compound word be a compound word

me: on a roll i told you