and here we have fil‘s directorial debut:

when i feel like shit i may as well do what i do best, take it out on/make fun of other people. the theme for the majority of these postcards is CONFUSION, my favourite.

for example, what the fuck? and ps. it’s not sharing a secret WHEN YOU DON’T SHARE A SECRET! ok so this is a thinker one yeah? so you’re saying these old people are finally going to get their shit together, date, and their relationship will work out fine and dandy? hey guess what, I GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS DO YOU KNOW THAT I WON’T BE THAT AGE FOR A LONG TIME WHY DO I CARE? ok bad start, moving on.

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????? / /?? ?? ? /// ??? what? you are a total asshole.

off the bat i didn’t notice her arm, anyway that’s not the reason for choosing this card, the wording is why, i know you’re trying to be profound and clever BUT YOU SO AREN’T what the hell does that thinks come over and stare mean exactly? and then because they want to play with you? i am so confused right now, you should have just ended it at 2 year old, seriously.

i am a total idiot, the meaning of this card was pointed out in comments. NOW I’M SAD! it’s the comma that totally threw me off.

oh please as if this isn’t complete bullshit, way too much effort went into this postcard, there is no way in hell you did that, that’s like the story some dude told me once about pretending an oh henry bar was dog shit and eating it in front of the neighbourhood dumb kid, or the time rena said she peed in a freezie and gave it to a stupid kid. THESE THINGS NEVER HAPPENED. your real secret is that you are an ordinary boring tool, actually that’s not even a secret, so you make up fantastical crap like this, you are also probably a compulsive liar.

that is so terrible. for the sake of this girl, hopefully you never fucking find her and if so you keep her the hell away from your poisonous father and pray that you yourself turn out nothing like him. you are wasting your time trying to meet up to the absurd expectations of your parents, not to mention someone else‘s parents.

this blew my mind when i saw it, i was way hung, you know the type of end of the world hung and basically anything is believable at the moment. i bet autistic kids are intuitive enough to read people better than the rest of us, not their minds, that’s overdoing it, but you know what i mean right? right.

and the loser of the week award goes to this guy who sits around hating a dude who started a blog that became a phenomenon that actually saves peoples lives and gives hope to people in the dark when there is no light, awesome, you fucking retard, do you hate UNICEF too? i love how passive aggressive frank gets by putting up this card in lieu of the other one hahaha burn.

holy downer! basically i found someone who is just as much of a loser as i am so it’s cool we can get it on. someone else said this It’s interesting – though you tagged this photograph as “I’m ready to love everything” and to me it looks like “I’m ready to lose everything,” I wonder if in fact these vastly different phrases would still translate to the same meaning…

i bet you resent the hell out of your brother too eh? this is sad. hopefully your mom is burning in hell right now.

best card ever, EVER and probably the most effective advertisement for weed in the universe how dreamy is this!

i am having a wicked identity crisis at the moment, well, all month really, and have been feeling quite stressed like zoolander who am i? bullshit. i feel like all this time i’ve spent making myself into a cult whatever is getting me nowhere, maybe it’s an i’m 25 what the fuck thing, don’t know.

this isn’t a pity party update it’s just an i got nothing for ya right now kids, sorry.

$29 and one size only (so damn shocked i could get it on, i am so bloated right now) from click klak (there are other patterns of it), it’s so pixie, i’m going to wear it to samir and sharpie’s wedding oh and i got a free pair of flip flops too!

now i can step on little children.

boots i am sending fil to go try on, last pair, 73 bones from 245! the sales bitches were snotty to us and wouldn’t let me put them on hold, so he’s gonna stick it to them hopefully, no this is not a penis joke opportunity even though it pretty much is.

cute bag.

homo update: one of my plants is finally budding and i can see flower petals are about to burst out!

yes it goes this far.

yesterday after fil came home around noon and left i went back to looking at internet porn for awhile then eventually got up and realised i couldn’t find cid, i’m like this in my head, where’s cid? very interesting stuff. so i go look in all the places he usually hangs, laundry basket, towel shelf (can’t be there the door is closed), on the bed, ottoman, then i look behind one of the curtains where he likes to sunbathe, nope not there, then as i am just about to panic (fil would lose his mind if cid disappeared, we would be in mourning for months, it would be a very bad scene) my eyes sweep this section of the room and jump cos a little handicapped basement troll is staring at me from the floor!

it was really windy yesterday (totally fucked with my plants) and it scared cid into wearing the curtains for protection and my pacing around looking for him made him extra on edge.

then we went to see hancock, i liked it.

after we nerded out at chapters, we were buzzed from our movie theatre juice boxes of wine i was planning on going sobes, then we walk by the lcbo and fil opens his mouth. i also classily ate 5 chicken wings from valumart out of a foil bag on a bench in like 2 minutes while everyone gawked. fil had sushi. i also smuggled in creamy dill chips, they’re pretty good, almost too creamy not enough dill.

i have somewhat of a bad track record of books i really liked as a teenager, assuming they are really that good and then getting fil to read and like them now, anyway, stumbled upon neil gaiman’s neverwhere, has anyone read it and if so can you please say how worth reading it is in my comments, thanks. omg they even made it into a tv mini series!!!! has anyone seen it?

ungh right, taking care of corporate babies for years and years.

anyway, the time i bought that nerd book i was using chapters as a meat market, and now every time i go there i can’t help totally scoping all the loners doing the same. sigh. and then there are the eccentric nerdy types who walk around having loud conversations they think everyone wants to hear cos they’re super clever and sarcastic and they dress like street kids from the 1800s.

an older woman tried to passive aggressively lip me off at the lcbo in the line i chose to stand in, she and her adult daughter were standing a good ten paces away from the line looking at stuff, i get in line, fil joins me, then 20 seconds later a sing songy accented voice says excuse me i am actually in line, i turn, as the daughter is saying oh no it’s alright (assumedly used to her mother’s obnoxious stunts) and i say actually no, you weren’t, then i take a step back and say BUT you can have it back IF YOU WANT and then the older woman gives me this teacher knows best look and says oh it’s ok. oh is it!? if it’s so fucking OK why did you have to let me know that it was YOUR place in line then if it’s ok for ME to have that spot? guiperg;eruogvndsjvbdvbki! i am putting my foot down for passive aggression, i’ve never been that way, and i do not tolerate it. they walked to the check out and stood in a line for barely a second before flitting off, leaving the line. line rule states that once you’ve committed to standing there for at least three minutes, THEN it’s your place, but normal people who aren’t stupid fucking babies wouldn’t even dream of claiming it back. you leave the line, then you aren’t standing in it, therefore, not your spot.

-george costanza

*update: that little singing asshole is back, he keeps going I’M OVER HEEEYEEER I’M OVER HEEEEEEEYEEEEEERE! oh and now repeating under my umbrella a thousand times.

bonus you get to see my greasy roots.

the prick has also started a trend for his camp mates, half the kids are wearing dumb old man hats. this was taken after a solid 4 minutes of screeching, it’s not even the worst of the noise.

FULL HOUSE VOICE!

don’t pretend i was the only one who ran home from school to eat as many cookies as possible before dinner and watch episodes of FH!

i love michelle in this picture she so looks like a ventriloquist puppet.

jodie sweetin totally fascinates me i don’t care how much of a loser that makes me sound, her spunky stephanie tannerisms win me over again and again, and now she has big tits. the awesome continues.

sigh, if i lost this i would probably start smoking meth too on top of my tv little sisters becoming disgustingly rich and famous and coveted over me. HOW RUDE!

no one even saw it coming that’s why it’s so tantalizing, once they started doing those dumb straight to vhs movies about going to grandmas and riding horses it was like ugh, enough, fizzle out already. boy they sure showed me! no YOU get a life!

ok so we all know kimmy gibbler had a slammin’ body, was super lithe but holy shit, look at the size of that mustard bottle in her hand, she’s as tiny as mkate and ashley! and omg that episode when dj starves herself and faints on the treadmill omg right!

becky always reminded me of april from teenage mutant ninja turtles, like way too sexy for wholesome full house, and then her stupid twin boys, they totally destroyed the show.

ugh perms, hairs biggest mistake ever.

too many things to be said for uncle jesse.

nice, he’s reading anne frank to them. i always found danny tanner to be repulsive and irritating, that character ugh, cleaning obsession and ties and feathered hair, then i discovered how fucking awesome bob saget really is, so blown away, he’s incredible.

i did enjoy the cliche episode about one of the twin boys’ development being slower than the other, they pulled that shit on everybody loves raymond too.

aw comet the dog.

this picture confused me i was like who is that old lady dave coulier is almost side-boobing how is this convention picture relevant to my amazing post? oh, that’s DJ!

this reminds me of the episode when stephanie draws a picture of her family for a therapist and draws danny on the OUTSIDE of the house and it represents how he WASN’T THERE during an earthquake and then she gets all clingy.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

you can totally get me a season of FH on dvd, not the earlier ones though when michelle is a baby i liked her when she started talking, oh wait actually i liked stephanie back then too and all of her outfits. GET ME ALL OF THEM.

blahaha

i hope you guys enjoyed memory lane with me bye!

kelly just ran out and took a pic in front of the full house victorians for me!

i am not kidding there is like an entire day camp in the park right now of little kids and they’re singing that lets fly a kite song, and the ringleader of the pack is this clearly gay little boy out-singing everyone and he’s also wearing a brown old man hat and he has that show-tuney sing song voice, like annie, holy shit SHUT UP this is the worst possible noise for my ears and brain right now, they sang themselves all the way to the park and then he was totally egged on, it’s bananas! OMG and now he’s singing oliver twist jams fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. he keeps saying ok now lets sing this, we have to sing this next! god no wonder his parents sent him to camp. he’s waving his arms and kicking and everything. and now he’s singing this and i am going to close the doors and windows and put the a/c on. some girls are singing a different song at the same time. oh goodness!

hat kid is wearing.

more importantly here is a picture of me waiting for my pink dress to arrive

wow i need to figure out a new method to deal with being wickedly shy and neurotic other than guzzling vodka. i was the first to sing and i was disappointed the whole way through i thought i blew and as i jumped off the stage might even have started crying a little from nerves i know, how endearing pathetic is your hero! i signed up again for a song and someone either scratched it out or i was so bad they skipped me, i told sass to go flirt with the band or use her witchcraft charm to bump me up the list (it was getting late, coach was turning into a pumpkin bla blah) and it did not work. anyway, my first time at this place all the kids have been raving about, pretty decent. we had a reserved section high up with a nice view of the stage, compliments of sony/EMI. (thanks dudes!) i think the best part of the nite was when brosz7kowski was singled out and blamed for ordering the third heineken keg and i had to rescue him, i could see he was getting a bit agitated, i guess it was all sorted out in the end. i know for a fact i didn’t order that third keg. i know i drank it though.

fuck, my head.

on top of feeling like total dick right now, i look like it too, i have four chin zits that i have touched and played with all nite long and this morning so now they’re full tilt disgusting-looking. my eyes are probably bloodshot too.

no more shots is my new slogan.

guy singing was really good, he paid for my last beer cos i was like I AM AN IMPORTANT BLOGGER I WILL MAKE YOU EXTREMELY FAMOUS. ha.