TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ATTRACTIONS AT DISNEY WORLD

10. The Raw Sewage Flume

9. Oprah Mountain

8. Moses Malone’s Enchanted Laundry Hamper

7. Parade of short actors in stifling animal suits

6. Pegleg Pete’s Prison Shower Room

5. Muggyland

4. Hall of Vice Presidents

3. Walt’s Walk-in Freezer and Crypt

2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp

1. Peter Pan’s All-Male Cinema

JOHN GOTTI’S TOP TEN TAX TIPS

10. You can deduct the entire piano even if you bought it just for the wire

9. Guys who escape from the trunk of your car may be considered business losses

8. No matter how much he relies on your business, a funeral director does not count as a dependent

7. Another write-off: long-distance calls to Pete Rose

6. You must actually kill someone in your home for it to qualify as “place of business”

5. Three simple words to the auditor: “How’s your family?”

4. For a vacation to count as a business trip, return with 100 pounds of heroin

3. Smart-guy talk show hosts may end up with more medical expenses than they thought

2. When reporting income, be plausible. No pizzeria in the world takes in 3 billion dollars a day

1. What H&R Block can’t do, cement blocks can

TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES

10. I’m down here

9. Just because I’ve got bells on my shoes doesn’t mean I’m a sissy

8. I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi

7. I can get you off the naughty list

6. I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on toys

5. I’m a magical being. Take off your bra

4. No, no. I don’t bake cookies. You’re thinking of those dorks over at Keebler

3. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man

2. You’d look great in a Raggedy Ann wig

1. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners

i’m so tired of music videos with crazy girls jumping on their beds, screaming at the camera, wearing knickers and a tiny-tee.

why are they slacking so hard in the video-concept department?

i just saw a commercial for Great Big Sea – for you americans, Great Big Sea is this band that i’ve known about since i was a younger loudmouth, since the 90’s, and everytime one of their videos would come on when i was laying there upside-down on the couch watching muchmusic i would have to change the channel ‘cos they are so canadian it’s like RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH i KNOW YOU ARE CANADIAN, STOP SINGING ON ROCKS NEAR A LAKE WITH A CABIN AND CUT YOUR STUPID HAIR TOO and then i am watching montel williams and forget i was trying to rock out to awesome day-time music videos because of Great big Sea.

fockers.

anyway, i guess for Great Big Sea’s new video, yawn, because they are old and farty and boring and their music still sounds like tree branches and your mother making porridge someone said, yo Great Big Sea, let’s have a crazy hot girl jumping around on a bed! and Great Big Sea went, TOTALLY!

look assholes, granted, every other girl you talk to in canada is cute and bored mental because she is a product of her environment, and the only thing bored cute girls know to do to not go crazy is rock out in their bedrooms pretending they are joan jett tho’ this doesn’t mean you have to stick it in every friggin’ music video and cut to clips of your fat-ass playing a keyboard singing to a cow.

everytime i turn on the tv i turn into the opinionator and have to pace around the room until my laptop fires up and i can write down everything i think about the thing i saw on tv that turned me into the opinionator but it comes out in RAAHAHH rAHHHHHHHHH form and i throw a few pictures in there and hope that all four of you get what i am going RAHHHH RAH about.

and ps if you are a fan of great big sea don’t get me wrong, i am proud of any canadian who has made it and continues to try to make it some more but, come on! Great Big Sea, more like, Gay Big Sea.

ok that was an obvious cheapo immature insult.

i’m just addicted to hurting myself.

mine is in my mind and hers is in her body, i guess.

she said she was pregnant and needed money but she was lying and you didn’t tell me that that was the girl at the time and had i known i would have said something and you knew this so i am glad for the sake of humankind that you kept mum about it all because that wouldn’t be very ladylike of me to completely flip-out in a plaza-parking lot of the food buffet place on a sunny sunday afternoon in front of my whole family.

so i revelled quietly that the guy she was was the biggest-looking loser of sorts and his outfit was all wrong and she looks like someone to slum it with.

i’m a people-addict.

i have to connect with everyone.

i really care about everything and i always have a story to tell that is somewhat relevant to what you are talking about and i will make it funny and after awhile you may get annoyed by my incessant-rambling and ADD so we take a break from each other and i spend my nites wandering around in the dark taking the same photographs until i bump into a familiar face and i smile at them and sometimes they don’t want to be smiled at

and then you will call me and i will say oh right now i am looking at a tree and there are all these crinkly leaves around and people are weirded-out by me ‘cos they are probably wondering why i am always there wearing flamboyant jackets

and you ask me if i am drunk and i say no, not yet, don’t interrupt i am telling you about a lamp post now and something someone said to me at lunch that day and a one-liner i remembered from a simpson’s episode a month ago and i ask you about your day and maybe we will rent a movie later on or meet up at a strip club and we’ll find my mittens and you say maybe you should wear a dress and i say, perhaps

and maybe i will show you videos of me dancing around an apartment to beastie boys wearing that russian hat that i wear and i tell you that there was one of me doing a cartwheel into a poker table but i erased it and you were amused and seem to be entertained by it, maybe addicted, like how i am addicted, people-addicted

and so there i am walking again because i don’t want to be alone in the house staring at the laundry i should be doing and the cat that is needy and the cigarettes that aren’t there for me to smoke so i go into town and watch color of money with the boys and think maybe i won’t drink today i have gotten this far so far but then we get a pitcher and i am playing the video games and eavesdropping on people’s football conversations

and i leave to go to another bar and i think all the way there i have no money absolutely no money i am just going in to say hi and then a bunch of entertaining depressing stuff happens because sunday is when the real-lonelies come out and adan walks in and i am all hey focker where are my mittens and conky sez you set him up the other nite and i am trying to talk to shawn about marketing and james is being drunk argumentative and pathetic and my fone is just not working i am waiting for it to ring so i can go watch ali g with you and then i am in trouble

shawn was asking why i was so tough and i said it was a defense-mechanism and i waved my arm around the room and said because these are the people i know, the only ones i know where i am living right now and they are all drunk or drinking and they are all male and it has been the case forever

so i have grown-accustom to it

and i told bryce we have an appointment this thursday and that i was nervous and excited about it because i wanted to come across as smart and he bought me a beer and i didn’t ask him to and i asked him how the smoking was coming along and he said great and i said great, thinking that he meant yes the quitting-smoking business and then he pulled out a pack of cigs and i clucked oh no and on and on and on.

some people may read this and shake their head and say their life is better, their party scene is less dark, happier, truthful, and the people in their circles are more real.

i call bullshit on that.

i love these people in this scene.

somebody’s got to.

watched the second half of the color of money and i told thom that he should start being a pool hustler and then i wished i had some crazy weird talent of my own that i could demonstrate in bars and people would place bets on me to do this talent and amaze everybody but all i could think of was that dice game and honestly, i don’t think that would go over so well in a pub, or that anyone would care to see some girl squatting down on the floor throwing dice and have people fall on top of her and so on. i just couldn’t get past throwing dice as my new enterprise and i felt really bad for myself but in a haha i am such a moron type-way.

and then i got over it.

then i thought i could sit there and draw people manic drawings for five dollars or something but then i would be too polite and say here have it for free and they would end up writing on the back anyway and i always draw the same thing over and over and over and it’s the same people and they will be like, we don’t want another picture and then i’ll draw them one anyway but it will be one of their face and a thought-bubble above their head and some immature insult in the thought-bubble like they are saying it about themself and i’ll go here you are stupid, here is the picture you didn’t want, shove it up your fookin’ ass!

and they say wow that one is the best picture you ever drew for me i love it and i say give me my money and they go well you said i could have it in my fookin’ ass and i say well i changed my mind i am selling it to your best friend instead to spite you and then i turn to the friend and the friend gives me a hug and a pity-look and i go home and beat someone with one of my journals.

nah.

i say look idjits i am an art-hustler, everyone over there was betting on me over this whole picture-nonsense, har har, get out of the bar.

i have the lamest fantasies.

oh and ps transmegacorp is getting all this raymitheminx traffic/business, dur, so everybody else who is smart and wants traffic too should be nice and email me and get me to advert your merch.

i need money so i can continue being a novelty.

double ps. i could beat anyone in megatouch 11up in any bar. that is my savante bar-talent.

we walkedaround in the sun to the library and i read two books to them and i talked to a little dog and i told them more things i will put into the drunk piece i will inevitably write from my deathbed, a how-to guide for serious alholism. one line was something like – all of a sudden i am hung over and you are talking and now i am leaving. we ate fancy sammiches and they played chess and i watched a little girl eat an ice cream cone and her gramma was knitting and i didn’t spill any of my sammich on the floor or the perrier. we watched the dave chappelle dvds. i laughed a lot.

i read The English Roses yesterday and i found that i identified with the one character Binah. she is all made fun of by the popular girls ‘cos they are jealous of her and then they have this gay dream where they go to her house and see her cleaning up after her blue-collar dad and making dinner and the popular girls realise they are worthless cunts and then they start doing binah’s chores for her. i suggest you go to a bookstore and read it for free like i did. madonna wrote it, she didn’t draw it. well maybe she did. anyway. binah is all lonely and wears knee socks and she is smart and i am kinda like that and as a defense-mechanism i make fun of myself and have a “sense of humor” about not having girlfriends to rely on and do my chores for me so i hang out with boys and get them to do my chores instead and talk to my mum while i roll my eyes and flip out about them talking because i am watching survivor and no my dad isn’t blue-collar like binah’s though if he were i would be fine by it. he works really hard at what he does and i do absolutely nothing whatsoever.

imagine if i were your daughter all of a sudden one day like if they made a reality show of me living with you for a week and you weren’t allowed to hit me when i pissed you off so you had to try and “fix” and “enlighten” and “mentor” me and make me into a “proper lady” – how long you imagine before you drowned yourself in a lake?

i want to go look at amish people today.

TOP TEN UNSAFE TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS

10. Junior Electrician Outlet Patrol

9. Hasbro’s Slippery Steps

8. Black & Decker Silly Driller

7. Roof Hanger Paratrooper Outfit

6. Remco’s Pocket Hive

5. Traffic Tag

4. Will It Burn? From Parker Brothers

3. Chimney Explorer

2. My First Ferret Farm

1. Ooh-You’re Blue!, the Hold-Your-Breath Game

TOP TEN NUMBERS BETWEEN ONE AND TEN

10. Seven

9. Four

8. Ten

7. Three

6. Eight and a half

5. Nine

4. Two

3. One

2. Eight

1. Five and Six (tie)

TOM BROKAW’S TOP TEN TURN-ONS

10. Long walks on the beach

9. A perfumed bath on a rainy afternoon

8. Raisa Gorbachev in a waitress uniform

7. Doing the news with no pants on

6. When they sneak some swear words into a PG movie

5. Connie Chung’s discarded makeup sponges

4. Slow dancing in the White House briefing room

3. Body Glitter

2. Hang-gliding nude over state prisons

1. Fat checkout girls who wear a ton of makeup

lists obviously stolen from Letterman’s book of top ten lists circa 1990.