i eat trees
trees with fleas
if you want some too
you will have to say please
i can make a toothpick
i cut down a tree
and trim it and sand it
until it is very very small
for some reason
the cat likes to sit on the microwave
it’s like his hangout spot
when he is there he is saying basically
hey, i am hanging out
i can go a long time without talking to anybody
and then i go to buy stamps or something
and they are like hey
i am like wow you just blew my mind
fil just texted me a list of things i could do today: laundry, the sheets, recycling, take the garbage down. i am purposely not responding to that text. these were all the things i was going to do anyway but now my ego is angry so i will do them later, maybe after i am done writing five posts about how much fil sucks.
he was totally wasted on saturday nite. we saw that chick at the drake, the discovery channel daily planet aussie. i yelled out at her I LOVE YOUR SHOW and then i thought she thought she was better than me and i wanted to leave cos i don’t like people thinking i am not cool but luckily we stayed on and got plastered some more and shit-talked everyone around us.
fil was like do you even know the name of her show? and i was all yeah it’s like planet discovery something.
martin showed up and flirted with a girl who’s tiny italian cigar-smoking bf materialized out of nowhere and we got it in our heads that we were gonna hve to fight him so fil put a bic lighter in his fist in case he had to do some punching. ok tough guy. then we went to meet samir and kept bragging about how much we were getting along for once (me and fil).
then we came home finished off some wine and microwaved everything in the freezer and ate it. fil gave me a drunken speech about how i poured myself more wine than him. haha.
the next morning he gave me another speech about how i double-fed cid in his underwear in the bedroom doorway and even like cleared his throat for effect and said he is master of all things cid or something and i shot out of bed and said YOU ARE ACTUALLY GIVING ME A PREPARED SPEECH IN YOUR UNDERWEAR.
I dreamt about you again last night. We were stranded
at sea, and they only had so much food to ration. You
had zipped open the cooler that they kept all the food
in, and had opened up this huge package of tofu. You
were mawing down on a piece, and one of the “leaders”
in the group was getting all angry at you – about how
you were going to start anarchy if you just snacked
whenever you felt like it. You got all defensive, and
backed away, still cramming tofu into your mouth.
They asked if you had taken anything out, and like a
magic trick, you started pulling buckets of food out
of your jacket – and I mean buckets – steaming buckets
of butter chicken, and another of palak paneer. I was
truly dumbfounded as to how you hadn’t spilled any
inside your jacket, and why you had taken tofu if you
did indeed eat meat.
Later, we painted huge styrofoam pieces gold, and
escaped from the ship, as our “leaders” were tyrants
of a most brutal sort.
The end,
Love,
Amberjane
ignore the fact that i look like an ugly man with a bad wig – that guy beside me is jd fortune the new inxs guy, when he use to work at le chateau on yonge st. haha. this was taken 8 years ago.
i wish i could drunk-dial my blog, well i guess i can sort of, like late-nite drunken commenting. but it would be nice to be able to call my blog on the phone and talk to it. i should buy it a cellphone, yeah.
maybe there should be a hotline.
i’ma spose to go meet fil and martin but i just read three lenore comics and some of the new vice and now i am drinking red wine. i am getting my period tomorrow so everyone is 100 per cent annoying. i want to take away comments cos everyone’s opinions other than my own are terrible. specifically when it comes to religion. sorry amanda, but all the crap you are saying is exactly why religion is stupid. i couldn’t even get through your entire comment, i don’t have the energy to even debate it. religion is such a waste of time, talking about religion even more. and blogger unknown of course i can take criticism, don’t think i was being 100 per cent truthful in that life of a blogger post, i could care way less about this blog. it’s a joke to me by now. it’s been called every name in the book, full circle…not even art anymore it’s just, fodder.
i don’t care about other people’s blogs either. everyone this month seems to be closing up their blogs, it’s catching.
also people who think astrology is real – pffft. one chick once upon a time was all YEAH I THINK THERE ARE COINCIDENCES AND SIMILARITIES IN PEOPLE BORN AT CERTAIN TIMES OF THE YEAR. my mouth is still open in aghastness from that one. uh your parents had sex and nine months later you were born and then you meet some douche born a few weeks after you and like, you and him don’t “mesh well” right.
“i’m a scorpio, WATCH OUT!”
“i’m a cancer, WATCH OUT!”
“i’m year of the boar – OOOOOooooh!”
everytime i use to read my horoscope it was like you will have good fortune and work opportunities and true love and happiness like EVERYDAY and like, i haven’t had a real long-term job in YEARS.
and then people say oh you have to read the signs. signs? what fucking signs? that’s crazy talk literally, cos when i was manic i read a whole bunch of signs and interpretted everything to it pertaining specifically to me and i went INSANE so F THAT.
people who are annoying:
vegans, feminists, pro-lifers, republicans, conservatives, people who jog/do yoga, raw fudists, hippies, goths, metal heads (mostly), white-hating black feminists, south african rich honkies, christians, catholics, the kkk, black panthers, all gangs, toronto junglists, women in their forties (sorry mom), mid-life crisis men with tiny sports cars, poets, anarchists, protestors, ravers, drum circle guys…
more later.
the shitty life of a blogger, to be linked on other shitty blogs and referenced for years to come – by raymi the minx
1. no one really updates on saturdays and even if they do, saturday posts are typically dull and vapid and snore city. except for mine of course.
2. once i finish all my blogrounds on the internet i sign onto msn and discuss blogs with other bloggers and eventually am known to say, “i wish there were more blogs like mine on the internet.” i am not lying.
3. articles about millionaire bloggers are a waste of ink, non-millionaire bloggers do not care about millionaire bloggers but once i am a millionaire blogger you are allowed to care about millionaire bloggers.
4. all bloggers shit-talk each other no matter how much they appear to be friends online every relationship made is backed by ulterior motives of coolness by association, how will i benefit from this friendship? etc etc.
5. blog gossip is never-ending and FUN
6. so many blog bitches are in love with my boyfriend and i want to set them on fire but it’s ok because i am prettier than they are and i invented fil anyway so i am pretty much like gandalf
7. i have a very short fuse and i fly off the handle very easy and sometimes i write mean stuff in people’s comments and then take it back less than two seconds later.
8. sometimes you have to pretend agree with people cos they are scary and stalker-like and they know your real name so you let them think you are stupid and fall for their shit so they don’t stab you.
9. i’ve pretty much been cool all of my life.
10. i still can’t get over how much props i got for shitting my pants and then writing about it!
11. i pretend to have a really big ego to annoy people and say things like I AM VERY GOOD LOOKING cos sarcasm doesn’t translate well and if need be i can always take it back right.
12. i don’t know why there aren’t any blogs as good as mine out there yet.
13. people fall all over themselves to get insulted by me and then they are like SCORE RAYMI DISSED ME.
14. i have a list of about 20 people so far who will potentially kill me one day.
15. what happened to my little pony?
16. one day i will be very wealthy and more famous than hell and i will leave everybody in the dust and i envision your heads as stepping stones in a filthy river and i am stepping across the river walking on your heads and on the other side of the river are A-List celebrities and they are cheering me on.
17. HAahahahaha i am very funny.
18. when people say hey raymi have you heard of bla bla bla and i haven’t but still want to seem cool i will say WELL HAS BLA BLA EVER HEARD ABOUT ME!?
19. people are like oh you are popular cos of your tits i am like whatever fat-ass.
20. ok bye.
