HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!1111

YO MAMA JOKES

i don’t think that i brushed my teeth at all yesterday

ok

i know that i didn’t

i did not perform one single act of personal hygiene

i did buy tang and plain yogurt and two bananas and made smoothies

with vodka

and some ice

the mix looks like eggnog after you blend it all together

i was thinking it would be funny to make a big batch and have a christmas party just to trick people

then i thought is that even funny?

rented pretty persuasions last nite and it is good the main chick’s body is killer

and she’s totally evil and smart and slutty

and fifteen

which is the only part the ruins it

leonard cohen was in town nearby yesterday and we did not meet him

feh

for breakfast i ordered heuvos rancheros consisting of avocado and sour cream and two poached eggs salsa and homefries

and cheese

i either totally blacked out on the eating of the first poached egg or they ripped me off and gave me one

being president of the hangover department i said nothing

fil drank a four dollar “large” orange juice

sarah had bacon and eggs and used a fork and knife to eat her bacon

i ate two pieces of toast and put the crusts back in the basket and sarah did not like it

later fil said he didn’t like nuts but ate 85% of a bag of cajun cashews

are they nuts or legumes

who cares

pictures i ripped off of gallery of the absurd.

we saw that poseidon movie yesterday and it is non-stop stressful, and good. pretty gory too.

before that i heard a woman get hit by an suv that was making a left-hand turn, she just got out of a starbuck’s and i guess was j-walking and then there’s this big commotion around her and coffee is splattered all over the road and she’s white as a ghost screaming AHH HELP ME HELP ME and her leg, which i will never ever EVER forget, her right leg below her knee was sticking out perpendicular to her body like it was a fake leg and she was in the process of putting it on properly, i couldn’t believe it i still can’t.

as bad as it is to stand around making a spectacle of people and their injuries it’s ok to catch a glimpse i think just to remind ourselves that we aren’t superhuman and invincible to danger and accidents.

anyway.

i just manically cleaned the bathroom because today i am polish. then i am going to wash the duvet and sheets and pillow covers. i have accomplished many things today like brushing and whitening my teeth and posting ten times on my blog and making a fort for the cat out of the comforter and i made myself a double espresso and couscous lentil curry soup.

yesterday i told fil to fuck off cos he said i should have done the laundry earlier, see, SEXIST! then we walked separately in the rain to the movie theatre and i sent him five mean voicemails being all OMG WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY!? then i saw him first outside the theatre but pretended i didn’t cos i am a spy and then he walked over to me on his fone and i was all like super casual, “hey” it was pretty decent of me.

back to being polish the first day i met agatha she was wearing a kercheif on her head and i am all WHAT ARE YOU A POLISH CLEANING LADY? and then i said a racist polish joke, racist, i meant _funny_ polish joke and turns out she IS polish.

then i’m all in a corner being like, so, you understand this joke then right?

later on that nite once everyone was wasted tamara was all over my boydate and i screamed at her IF YOU’RE A DYKE WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING ACT LIKE IT!? that was a very good first impression i made and then we left.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

so the MRI was easy except for my laying down position was not exactly comfortable, i scrunched my neck up kinda and so i stayed that way for twenty minutes with all these crazy noises going off at my head and at one point i thought i had accidentally hit the panic button but no i had not it was just the machine doing it’s thing. i think i even fell asleep. i showed up drunk. the nurse was kind of bitchy. i could see her eating a sandwich and drinking juice through that mirror above my eyes. telescope mirror.

i am boring.

i have not stayed over once at my new place in toronto yet.

i think i will tomorrow.

there’s a show at the drake that is suppose to be good. a band called mommy and daddy from new york. go to it.

the sole of my old man shoe of the right foot is partially loose and has been that way for a long time and i have yet to do anything about it other than collecting cat hairs and cobwebs and dust fluffs and by the time i leave the apartment to go outside there is a gigantic sculpture of crap sticking out of the front of my shoe and it’s the closest thing to vacuuming the place ever receives.

ps. i just burned part of my forehead with the hair iron and it feels GREAT!

someone get me this camera and i will do ten podcasts daily!!!!!111