it’s been awhile now since i’ve been a complete piece of shit around here so i guess that means it’s postsecret time.

oh look it’s a nasty jealous stupid fucking bitch great!

how terrible is it that the trait of passive aggression exists in humans? probably the most hated of all qualities, in my (totally always right) opinion. just something about it makes me want to curb stomp a motherfucker. hi i’m a loser and i’m going to take it out on you secretly over the span of many many months until you get wise to it and then i will torture you from afar by talking mad shit about you behind your back, trying to plant seeds of doubt and mistrust about you and psychologically fuck with you until you hate yourself. lets do lunch!

and don’t you DARE forgive her that is horrible who is this beast of a woman? you should tell everyone in fact, start with your entire family, beginning with mom. that is such an unforgivable mentally ill thing to do to someone, can you imagine finding out a babysitter did that to your kid? i would hit the fucking roof! (i should have ordered these differently, putting the ones that get me most steamed near the bottom of the post, though that’s basically all of them. the entire post would be empty for a good yard and then nothing but caps lock yelling keyboard mashing etc)

and those attachments are… cowboy beer hug skiing snowshoeing? i don’t want to make fun of this one too much cos it’s such an accurately self-aware secret and i applaud that but way to throw me off with the goofy postcard. STOP LINKING UP WITH UNHEALTHY PEEPS, GUY!

how can someone read post secrets all day? i assume there’s a messageboard for this stuff but i am also assuming the sender of this postcard is an idiot, you know there ARE other things on the internet why you gotta blame it all on postsecret oh my god this isn’t even a funny one next.

FAAHAHAHAHAHAHA COOL ONE. now, while i “get” the notion of outdoors snobbery (every clique has its own thing right, hipsters, jocks, hippies, and so on) i am picturing the biggest wiener ever here. nice rappel device and locking carabiner lets fuck! so you pass people havin’ a time on the trail totally enjoying themselves and you’re judging their shit. you win guy, you win. go walk off a cliff.

oh here we go touchy subject. i’m sorry you were perverted against but that in no way excuses continuing the cycle, do you want the earth to be filled with diddler rapists forever and ever? i don’t! so cut it the fuck out.

you’re right, it was god’s will for sure. totally so was he controls EVERYTHING so i’ma drink a cup of poison and if i survive it was because god cancels out poison like he sends letters to where they ought to go sans postage.

on the back it reads she really wants it but im afraid she’ll stop calling OOOOK so does this person have amnesia or something? all out of pens? evidently she’s made this recipe before yet forgets how to do it immediately after? has she not heard of the internet either? is it your daughter, i think it is holy crap she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed is she, yeah? this reminds me of a friend of mine who has been calling me for the number of a weed guy not kidding at all FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS WHY CAN’T YOU COMMIT THIS NUMBER TO MEMORY OR INPUT IT INTO YOUR CELL PHONE ALREADY I WILL NOT STOP LIKING YOU IF YOU STOP CALLING ME (I PROMISE!) FOR THE WEED GUY’S NUMBER IN FACT I WILL LIKE YOU SO MUCH MORE IF YOU JUST WRITE DOWN THE GODDAMN NUMBER AND STICK IT ON THE FUCKING FRIDGE ahem sorry.

and i am above & beyond happy for you too however the fact that you are unable to cease to remind the universe of your MBA does not escape me. your kind are irritating, please learn that soon and guess what NO ONE CARES. i can share the most hilarious unbelievable stories culled from experiences you will never ever have and guess how many people deep down do not give a shit? all of them. no one cares unless it pertains to them and/or how it can possibly benefit them (sorry kinda tangenty there) so go tell it on the mountain, barnes and noble.

write and tell him, it will ensure he covers his ass a little better and has something to look forward to coming home to. way to blow it genius. why would someone not return based on your feelings, that’s ridiculous. oh man she loves me i’m going to lie down in a mine field now. if he dies that doesn’t change your feelings, but at least his heart would sing a little. seriously, write and tell him.

ugh that sucks. i don’t know what to say. drive your car through his livingroom? (KIDDING RELAX!) my first bf’s dad crashed his car through a variety store window in high school and afterward his nickname around town was CRASH isn’t that fuckin’ cool and funny? (picture a really hilarious big mouth fat guy) bye!

no he won’t cos you’re gonna put up with it forever and you know it so YOU fail.

hahaha i’m going to do that.

now THAT is a beautiful one.

GOD’S WILL GOD’S WILL GOD’S WILL BLAAAAAAH! really this is your giant secret? buh-oring. i know why don’t you have 19 children like the duggars because condoms are against the god law (pfft) and raising a clan is really special and healthy for each child’s individual psyche and the amount of attention is totes equally allocated to each one, no bad seeds there. if you need me i will be making fun of you forever.

sigh. this makes me super sad yet happy. speaks for itself i’ll just shut up for a second.

on the back it says sometimes the darkness is too dark. well, making fun of you aside, i think it’s kinda endearing also i was planning on riffing on the emo aspect of the message on the back COS IT’S SO TRUUUUUUUE!

yeah cool that’s really good for your vision obviously you are also a scholar (exame?) and funny thing i was just making a joke about eye exams yesterday in my head when we passed an eyeglasses store, it boasted of free eye exams and me with my ever-present internal stand-up dialogue came up with some material for that. EXAM!? BUT I HAVEN’T STUDIED! (don’t worry it’ll be over soon)

and now i will forever be attached to you like a fungus, co-dependent forevs! you are my identity you are my entire life i cannot deal without you baaaaaaaarf.

this one destroys me. only putting it up for more awareness. nah kidding, yeah hi i’m the blogger who makes fun of dead animals hahaha your animal looked for you BURN!

seriously i bawled my eyes out when i read this postcard then i showed it to fil and he sighed so hard the the light bulbs blew out.

that’s so cute can we go to a movie together please? it’s funny to me how if one really set their mind to it everything could be constantly wickedly awkward, these are the people i like. i am picturing you running up the aisle as fast as you can the second the movie ends cos that’s what i do, mostly to beat everyone to the bathroom but still you are adorable i will knit you a scarf.

ME TOO I HATE THEM! but i hate myself more for doing nothing about it, 2 years later and it’s still :34 o’clock oh my god if you can’t even organize your microwave clock how much of a gargantuan mess is the rest of your life!? get it together dude!

oh yay it’s someone i love just as much as abortion guilt girl SICKNESS ATTENTION GIRL (or guy)! a loser so insecure they feel the need to constantly test your friendship by fantasizing about car accidents, making up lies, creating jealousy traps whatever, just die already ok the only person who is going to visit you is the one you’re with and your family. if you treat people like garbage, no visitors. angel? visitors. GET A NEW FANTASY and what the hell does house have to do with any of this other than glorifying hospitals and warping your sense of reality so hard your delusions think aids is a good time.

well that’s the ticket! sitting around complaining about it will totally get you hooked up. you know when i let myself go i would obsess about it all the time but did i do anything about it? there was always an excuse to be lazy and not get up off my ass and get in shape or eat better, drink less. does that attitude get people skinnier? does chatting to someone online every single day about how much your life sucks make your life any better? point is, make that postcard the last whiner out of you. if you don’t meet anyone it’s cos you didn’t make an effort. there is someone out there for everybody you’d have to be a complete fuck up ignoramus not to be able to get one person interested in you. oh my god i am so annoyed right now i always get roped into pep-talking morons who never listen or take advice. common sense people, i do not possess a crystal ball!

did you bump into a psychiatrist or something cos that’s the oldest cliché in the book. it’s akin to oedipus complex (ps. barf) but based on your penmanship i assume you are a child anyway so, way to go scout?

me either! glad you joined? enjoy!

your feet are fat and no amount of cleverly placed gay photoshop flowers will hide it nice try.

EW WHAT IS IT!?

well i guess it depends on what they did. on the fence with this one. well not really, the punishment should fit the crime and if someone gets a little strangle along the way fine by me.

ugh. UGH. UGH. i don’t want to rip on true blood as i have never seen it and i feel like what happened with me and watching lost might happen again but regardless of that um, yeah. cool life.

oh look another cool story, happy with yourself there? i go out of my way to point out the case of water on the bottom of the cart you disgusting no good waste of pop chugging pig GROSS you are gross so totally gross and a terrible person i think i’m premenstrual now.

i was constipated when i came across this one and it actually helped. thanks!

in case you think i am a despicable human here is a picture of me hugging my brother to cancel it out.

TORONTO DENTIST

hippie shirt up for grabs, lucky brand, size i dunno. best offer. oh and that’s me with poodle hair. sorry, cid isnt for sale. though i keep trying.

cute print.

a little overwhelming.

don’t wear it with an xs leather jacket though unless you want to look like you escaped from the psych ward, but really, didn’t i anyway? feh.

britt looks like an archie character here. good thing. (holy shit update your blog already girl)

trying to get used to this poodle hair. britt says if i went on an audition with my hair like this i’d get the part. then i asked if she had a crush on me. the answer is no. NO SAN DIEGO. what a liar.

makeup reunited and it feeels so good. fil is sitting behind me and i am blocking him completely ha. off to sushi D on college. nice place, nice atmosphere, makes you order more food and stick around longer. smart guys.

just hangin’ that’s right omg i hate my jokes.

MATCHES MY HAIR! (k i like that one)

i feel like i haven’t been taking as many “still lifes” lately, or as many as i did when i really got into the blogging groove. as pretentious and artfully desperate as it seems, i always reasoned that to not acknowledge the effort one made in creating a beautiful space for you, their knick knacks, lighting, etc, i think that is such a waste why would i sit in this room with my camera not capturing it? our “things” have become more beautiful over time, think back to the 80s, all gross clunky junk just to serve a purpose, fill a need. now everything is beautiful to me. maybe it was the sake.

see? cold sake bottle with ice cube pieces in the center, intelligent. i don’t get people reacting haughtily to someone taking a picture of this. excuse me waitress could you send that table over there an order of go fuck themselves on me? that’d be great. maybe for hot sake they put a tea light candle in there? nah the wax would get everywhere.

one of the hundred necklaces i brought home from my aunt’s. excuse me where is the weed?

good sashimi, could do without the fishy stuff in the bottom right corner, tuna?

served with rice tits.

scorpion roll (eel tempura shrimp and avocado). these guys need to be a little less frugal with the spicy mayo.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

grossish.

after i complete the task of inhaling sashimi i pour my wasabi/soya concoction onto my rice and get off on the pockets of heat. try it!

britt is into the craft.

that’s so ugly. you know i’m kidding right i can’t tell if you can tell when i’m kidding anymore or i think my humour is so advanced that NO ONE can get it. like british humour.

sesame street vibe. mr. cooper anyone?

which way to the slumber party please.

i have my sleeping buddy ready and everything.

fil we’re home!

steph i am morphing into you.

HOLY TOLEDO! ok so i always thought secrets from your sister were sloppy slobs placing triple D bras on mannequins and stuffing them with tissue, to showcase that they have bras for stacked chicks, fine yeah but why so grotesque? turns out their mannequins are also stacked. hard to tell from across the street.

ridiculous!

i feel a draft. a gale force wind more like.

could that model be skinnier too?

new pub in town, has a tv in each booth (like 20 of them even the teeny ones) it’s called rovers and it’s right beside payless shoes across from honest ed’s.

watched kenny vs spenny. dream pub for nite’s out with brosz7 and fil and camera mafia wars talk i can watch entire episodes of whatever and tune them out.

then i took my blood pressure a thousand times.

do not take your blood pressure through a leather jacket.

hmm doesn’t seem normal.

remove jacket.

baha spooge cream. what we’re all out of lotion!

so i’m good here, even from talking and getting agitated by people walking near me, the most stressful shit could be happening all around me and my blood pressure would be fine.

except reading this part about diabetes/kidney disease, i’m like, so if my blood pressure is that then that means i HAVE kidney disease? oh yeah make sure you take your blood pressure after some sake and a vodka soda.

fil’s blood pressure is in the normal range but borderline high. i said maybe i should stand further away while you take this test haha.

my second shot at it. a bit higher.

everywhere i go this is pretty much what it looks like, just piles and piles of crap circled all around me. can’t help it, i need stuff. traveling gypsy.

down again. I WIN! I BEAT YOU BLOOD PRESSURE TEST!

cid was in time out heaven.

watched the big brother finale last nite. how badly do you want jordan and jeff to have their own reality spin-off show together!!!

Kevin sent you a message.

“WHATS SHAKIN? MY WORK PLACE HAS BLOCKED YOUR BLOGGER FOR INDESENT MATERIAL MY RETALIATION WAS ‘I DONT SEE THE PROBLEM,THOSE ARE VERY DESCENT BREASTS'”

who can guess the last time my actual breasts were even on this thing? at least a year ago, longer than a year ago in fact. why does the man want to bring me down?

i’m pretty sure reading about someone’s workout regimen is totally the most boring thing ever and annoying especially when you’re a lazy piece of shit, so i’ll spare you but i will say this, today i upped the amount of time spent doing cardio. you can snore now. and i could probably launch a boulder into the sun. just saying.

oh and i’m wearing sunglasses cos i forgot my makeup. heck yeah i work out with full on mariah carey face, it’s nothing but queens, drags and strippers at this gym, must sweat to impress.

next time i will work out in a garbage bag. i was going to make some videos to blog today but no makeup, trust me you don’t want to see it. next time i’ll show all the turbulence moves we do in the weight room so you can blow your head off from laughter.

britt’s over right now with a garbage bag full of amazing dresses. gonna model them and take photos later, all up for grabs.

sushi bender time!

i need to catch up on mafia wars like the cool guy i am.

f you from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

dude/ettes hey there hi there ho there i’m good i’m great no worries was just hangin’ with my pops out there in the burbs for a few, changed my whole perspective on shit holy crap is the city ever loud when you get back after a stretch, fuck, and so many people too. i have 200 emails to go through, and have skimmed the headers of which, thanks for the concerns but no need to panic we’re cool. i’ll get back to you all in time. let this be a lesson, don’t ever forget how much you need me on the internet. my dad’s laptop is hella slow, no point in even checking email it’s just beyond frustrating and stressful and overwhelming seeing the inbox number pile up and ten minutes later all you’ve done is click on some spam to delete it ugh. also that computer was my mom’s but before that mine, when you turn it on an anagram for lauren white pops up (luane writhe, alter-ego mania extraordinaire) i thought that was pretty funny. didn’t bother bringing my laptop, kinda wanted a temp hiatus you know? a bit hard when there’s internet in close proximity though.

bye for now, more tales coming soon.

i also learned that if i ever felt like being super cool in the suburbs, big fish small pond what have you, it’d be a fucking breeze. here’s what you do, get a tattoo on your arm, wear a t-shirt and walk around like a space cadet tourist. BAM! you are now king shit.

ps. guess who’s 5 foot 8 and 120lbs <-----this guy. oh yeah RIP swayze! and way to go kanye (i know so late in the game but i saw it live on tv at least) you made eminem look like a gentlemanly scholar. really mtv? stop inviting him! three years in a row now don't you learn? sassafraz blogged our ontario place party.

just got off the phone with my bro and here’s how his friday went.

he and his buddies hit up the classy establishment known as joe dogs and proceed to get ripped and bro out for the nite then all the sudden some hot redhead feels like chirpin’ at ‘em, shit like “i’ll fight you” and according to my brother they did not instigate it or rile her up in any way (yes complete innocents i’m sure) so she’s freaking out and one of my brother’s ever gentlemanly companions says to her and i quote, “YO I DON’T HIT WOMEN, I SLAP BITCHES” ahem. fair enough, chick hits the roof, some other posse of dudes overhears it all and says you shouldn’t talk to girls like that so then it’s group against group with this crazy chick in the mix (regular barfly no doubt). then my brother slaps a hot dog out of one guy’s hand (HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA) right to the floor and screams in his face LETS GOOOOOOOOOO the guy cowers, then comes back at him, brother strangles him, everyone is yelling at each other thumping chests or whatever hooliganing out big time then the bouncers come and make my brother’s crew leave.

outside my brother and company while waiting for a cab the redhead appears and starts it up all over again all by herself cos the group of other dudes split. she’s screaming and yelling shit like THERE THEY ARE FUCKER BLAAAAAH! (the guy who said the slap bitches line is MIA) so my brother goes look, i think you’re a beautiful girl (heartfelt) but i don’t think you should pick fights with guys, do you not get laid enough? then the chick bursts into insane loud tears, sobbing and proclaiming I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU all in front of the bar and everybody smoking, cabs, everything (like to serve and protect love it) and the bouncers are restraining her while laughing at the same time, one said i can’t believe you said that! kinda giving my brother props cos apparently she’s an annoying barfly drunk and this happens on the regular.

then all the dudes went back to my brother’s place to drink til the sun came up and crashed all over the house. as it goes, the more shit changes, the more it stays exactly the same.

THE END!

sass is going to cut off all her hair so little babies can have wigs, uh what? aren’t all babies bald anyway? i’d do it but my hair has been processed/dyed too many times also, i’m fuckin’ vain.

i make the dumbest noises ugh god enjoy haha.

the first time on the ride when the water spray blasted out it made sass and i conk heads super hard comedy sketch styles, hilarious and stupid.

the water slides were closed, i was pretty crabby about that. there was a teeny sign placed on a window at the park entrance that you in no way can notice, only on your way out. comped tickets courtesy of sass thanks!

i hear the toronto star has been downsizing.

nicely added fake water haha. rob’s hand/arm is covering the hairiest guy ever, like all the hair in the world on his ear. thanks for not pointing that out while in line as in, why the hell didn’t you i love givin’ that stuff a proper look-see.

i’m filming myself, sass is asian supremo, and fil looks like a sims character.

text message from random 905 number:

hey you have the eg6 bumper right?

raymi: who is this?

905: I pmed you about the bumper

raymi: and why? who r u and do u know who i am? (thinking some internet psycho got my number and is fucking with me who knows)

905: do yo have a bumper fs or not (detecting ‘tude now hey fucker YOU texted me first. also fil pointed out that fs means for sale by this point, prior to learning what fs meant i’m thinking ok this is some guy who wants to buy a “hot” item, mafia wars type shit haha)

raymi: i hav no idea what u r talking about or why u hav my # this is quite sketchy

905: clearly i got the wrong number

OH YOU THINK SO?

i wrote back ha no worries in case it was a big warlord (i’m wimpy like that) to make us cool about it. i also called the number cos i missed a call, two calls simultaneously (one being from the fucking gym of course) so the 905 number wiped out the number of the gym, i call 905 back asking for gym owner and guy is like, uh wrong number though obvs knows it’s me the person with the bumper, also a chick.

THE END FANTASTICALLY RIVETING DRAMZ!

here’s yoko’s pap photo the day lennon was shot. beautiful grief, so sad. my aunt is in the process of framing it.

oh and here’s my aunt.

we’re going to do a collab art show together in the spring. psyched!

sangriaiaiaiaiaia! so much better with better wine and tropicana no pulp, (as in NOT green room’s) pineapple and raspberries for floaters with a little bit of icing sugar to cut the tart, or lemon (i forgot that so icing sugar it was) and we sucked it all back.

amazing chicken curry w/ wild rice, my aunt was all if i gave you too much don’t feel like you have to eat it all. finished it in 2 minutes with more for the road.

bathroom window so cute.

we bought that bell for my grandfather one christmas, or birthday. yoink. this close to being a unicorn.

shit photo but back in the 70’s chicks used to bead necklaces with cantaloupe seeds. i know right, get a life much hippies. ha kidding i think it’s super clever.

alright last necklace jam for now.

when this was pulled out i thought hey that’s familiar but went on to say oh smart way to save on a/c.

omg ha. look how i used to dot my i’s. SO COOL. touched she kept it.

brought another miniature (tissue box) over for the dollhouse. this chick’s like oh no it’s the end of the wooorld.

sober week was not entirely a success. oh well. HOWEVER i’ve cut it down like mad. i’m over drinking now. finally. i know, standing ovation.

going to have to invest in some non-slob workout gear. oh hell every lululemon joke i’ve made is gonna come back to haunt me (not really i’m still gonna wail on chicks who wear that shit for no reason).

cid had been acting extra insane lately, turns out fil threw out his safety box.

crazy containment 2.0 – still needs to be sawed shorter. looks hilarious on fil’s desk, takes up so much room.