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my steve madden bag.

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just some loose ends of blackberry pics. now on to my present surroundings.

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after shots. leslie is obsessed.

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before. hideous. i would positively puke if i had to stay somewhere with a bathroom like this.

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after. upstairs bath.

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kitchen. i know.

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not bad. i’ve seen better though.

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pre-hurricane raymi.

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how do you spell kumquats? my computer has a serious virus i can’t wait until it self-destructs entirely in to a flame ball.

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we’ve spent zero time in this show room.

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in the neighbourhood.

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on canal. immediately familiar to me. we got hangover sprites last time. i have an epic story about last time in fact.

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my greasy landing.

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nothing like sexy reindeers. except for um, not sexy reindeers. which is how i prefer mine, i dunno about you scoundrels though.

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pretty lazy with the wings, attached to the drum still. you have to order appetizers here so fat pisstanks don’t wobble in with their giant beers and no i haven’t had a hurricane yet, nor last time. i have class.

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class so much so i had to wander in here. actually leslie takes ownership of this grand idea. i was just looking for um, a bathroom.

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in bed early with us last nite. we were good. watched legally blond. les crashed cos she doesn’t appreciate that shit like i do.

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secret cloud beds you would die if you touched down in one and never leave. you’re stapled into it like a happy cocoon sponge. wonder what it’s like blasting in one. leslie?

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one for me and one for you and jasper. see him there?

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recognize this from the catskills lost weekend of so much booze.

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le shotgun. i should do a shotgun in the shotgun.

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backyard this morning. chillier today. it’ll warm up.

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great hair. shoulda seen it last nite. ok byeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

we’re an hour behind toronto time here too eh. so i have been waking up earlier and getting more out of the day. we have to go to a cigar shoppe today. i guess i’ll have to buy some ridiculous souvenirs too. maybe another mask. ps. blog post title apparently isn’t in poor taste according to you know who.

y’all it’s been grand.

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USA USA USAAAAAAAA.

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welcome to the land of totally inspired by acid.

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shorts weather today. hot and sunny so niiiiiiice. my hair is funny but i don’t care i’m gonna deborah harry it for awhile.

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can’t get over the palm trees.

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went to legendary storyland. they were cranking christmas jams, retro ones. it was pretty amazing to see something i’ve only ever seen before on the internet.

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what’s up guys.

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my hair matches the spanish moss. there’s no hair dryer. and it’s humid. not complaining period as i hear it’s an ice age back home.

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storyland survived katrina as it was buffered from the old world style of, uh, playgrounds. it was completely flooded. it’s all over the internet, freaks love it. so eerie and cool. three dollars a person. princess parties were going on. leslie tricked some kids into thinking i was a kid too. she’s a big kd. one girl goes yeah she IS a big kid. haha yeah replete with tattoos.

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i have a photo i’ll scare up of me in a dress similar to this print when i was 20, black hair. same pose. with a cigarette.

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hippie effect. suiting. woah dapper rat, relax brah.

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palm trees everywhere and everywhere.

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leslie’s camera pics now. outfit one. i brought the dumbest odds ‘n ends of clothing. never get it right.

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dream backyard. listened to my zune this morning out here staring up at butterflies and palm trees. elated. you don’t always get moments like that.

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gearing up fuzzy head.

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every house is grand on the esplanade. they pronounce it esplan-ayde not like we do in toronto, otherwise you’re puttin’ on airs.

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everything is done up too. reminds me of midnight in the garden of good and evil. they’re filming a movie with christian slater and christopher walken around the corner. saw the house that the song the house of the rising sun is about.

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people straight owning their looks and style all over.

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i love the look of the saints team american flag colours, striking. catches your eye as you whiz by.

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hahah shithead time.

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does this constitute as chil pr0n? i straddled snow white in front of a little girl we walked away and she did the same thing. i was horrified. leslie got a picture of it. i was posing for a picture and being funny not sexual. another lesson.

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spanish moss everywhere loving it so dreamy and whimsical, lazy.

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i look fucking retarded and you’re allowed to make fun of me because leslie is insisting that i look adorable.

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hehehehh. withdrawal looks like this. the heat got to me a little too and i’m pre-menses, overtired, etcetera.

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i look like a warlock. it was one hilarious setting/photo-op after another. i’d like to see what your stance would be like hahah top this bitches.

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santa claus village sigh.

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literally a giant compared to all these cinderella four year olds. the looks on the faces of parents, priceless.

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gaahaha may as well have been baked. i am picturing stephy reading this now. gramma wolf is wearin’ my shades.

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i asked leslie out of curiosity, not that i care or anything just wanted to know if i look like a shithead in pictures like say a girl looking at my blog and seeing me do they think wow, fuck her. i hate her? she said they think who does this chick think she is. basically. hmm.

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you can see my longboarding accident knee scar. oh streetcar tracks. thankyew.

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i climbed this. it was dangerous. not to code. for adults.

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i looked out and down from this perch and was like woah. dangerous. very wobbly and i so towered over the edge. brain damage for sure if i fell off it.

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what fairy tale is this from, KING OF CONFUSION CITY?

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so hard to maneuver.

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bizarre looking. behind the scenes of crap. amazon babysitting service is here knock knock open up.

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i guess it was similar-feeling to disneyland at christmas time though i wouldn’t know as i’ve never been. sad face. meaning more about how it is to see the christmas stuff in hot weather, the connection in the brain, wires crossed, as a canadian especially in a place like new orleans where they go big at xmas time.

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me and another cool dude wearing my shades synchronized walking.

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cringe. go with it.

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ok sports fans that’s it for now.

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the title of my post is something i said over the mic to these chicks at karaoke once. leslie loves it i can hardly take watching myself wasted rap blathering at the fox n fiddle (that hole) we’re going tomorrow to another place with her friend. she sent the video of me singing so what’cha want over to let her know what’s in store.

we went to a sex club last nite that is essentially a shit stripper hole. i gave away a lot of money because the sight of the cheap bar flies pissed me off a lot and sometimes i like to pretend i am daddy warbucks. there was a young pregnant chain smoking stripper too. almost got a great cell phone photo of some of the evidence.

ok sunshine time.

oh and my laptop has a virus again. thanks anonymouse.org you piece of shit. send help.

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hey guys. hey hi! HI!!!!

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sometimes you run out of blogging steam. the energy required to conjure the properly adequate commentary about the mundane everyday doesn’t just grow on a magic bush in my backyard. yarn spinning IS work. ten years of yarn spinning work, audience building. i came across a loser messageboard yesterday wherein a few wenches were slagging your hero and the overwhelming conclusion i came away with was, they just do not “get” it. people who come across you only now think you just woke up yesterday and started landing deals, and it’s sooo easy. well, it isn’t.

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all of a sudden now people think they’re experts on cewebrity because there’s more of us popping up. you aren’t an expert on shit actually.

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i just lost the energy and focus on my own rant here, it isn’t constructive anyway. i’m arguing with babies essentially who can’t seem to recognize that i struggle just like they do, that none of this is a fluke, and i set out to do this when i was 17 years old for bloody crying out loud so really, you’re just complaining about a seventeen year old’s wild fantasies that eventually came true for her, after years of suffering abuse from assholes and haters and people calling you crazy for having the audacity to do something different.

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and then there’s the word trainwreck. i’ve been called a trainwreck since i was nineteen. you know, when a trainwreck happens it takes maybe a week to clean it up once forensics is done with the scene. but really now, if i am such a trainwreck how am i able to function on a daily basis? how am i able to write, to work, to go to my appointments and meetings, make deals, party, all that? you guys are shitstains. i put myself together more than you do everyday knowing i will be photographed (whether by self or others) all for the sake of my blog, my art, my business. if i don’t do it nobody will. do you get that? a trainwreck wouldn’t be able to do that, WOULDN’T do that. a trainwreck would be blow hung for days on end while OTHER people are out there achieving.

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it’s just tiresome and disgusting to me the nature of this city (and the internet at large) that the thanks you get for all your hard work is FUCK YOU and KILL YOURSELF. numerous other hurtful things. they don’t even hurt anymore which in and of itself is kinda bad. to be desensitized like that. the bigger you are the less you are supposed to acknowledge these losers but i wasn’t born famous and still consider myself a regular guy so i’m just fascinated by how ignorant our culture is and bored.

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ok ok i’ll stop.

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wooden cutlery. cute. impossible to saw through the bread though. we overcame adversity despite that because we don’t lose. ordered everything off the menu. it was a little menu. one of those spillover joints, local was busy, so we sat at the bar here. rob showed up later fresh off the coat tail of a bender and after one drink he was in heaven.

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i didn’t figure out that hat before i left adventurehouse.

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amazing. this guy probably leads an interesting life.

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darius and rob are going to go on a muff crawl in nyc. they’re the twin towers. rob says women there are just so pleased to see not short guys. he gets all arrogant when he drinks. we are too similar. i was like hey so remember drunk dialing me last nite and telling me to “shake things up” and “i’ve been doing the same for too long now” and “i’m a good writer” he has no recollection of this conversation he was passing my house half passed midnight i wasn’t even home and he was telling me all this irish drunken shit i’m like i KNOW rob thank YOU for the advice. haha.

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biggest olives i’ve ever seen.

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darius overheard people talking about me outside while smoking, not bad things, just that they recogized me and the photo taking was certainly a tip off.

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pin hole makes this look super heinous.

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we drank the entire menu too. it was early. i went to bed early. i like early. i should do that more often.

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it was a sam kinison day.

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i told darius we should go to AA next week then go out drinking afterward. i recognize we are all drunks. holiday season is the worst for this. i am going to give the sauce a break pretty soon.

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we played the insult game using the alphabet taking turns. i started. darius, you are an asshole. raymi, you’re a bitch. yeah well you’re a CUNT. some of these words we had to whisper as they were too prejudice and no i am not typing them here on my politically correct blog.

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we played the game again but this time complimenting one another and rob joined in. it was harder to dole out compliments. insults are so much easier. people don’t compliment each other enough.

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we like this place. we will haunt it some more. i overheard some genuine food players getting really animated about booze or food or something. i liked it.

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mitzi’s is getting a time out from me. i am tired of the disgruntled RUDE middle-aged lesbian server’s attitudes. i’ve dumped half my bank account into that fucking place you think she could smarten the fuck up i mean, DO YOU KNOW I AAAAAAAAM?! hahah. legendary establishment employees, everyone talks about you just as much as you them, don’t think you’re invisible.

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got my roots did yesterday after my session at TMR (abs are so sore) the show must go on even when you’re sick. i had ethiopian food two nites ago and the heat made me think i was cured. it loosened up a lot of phlegm and now i have this painful chest cough and my throat feels as thick as a tree trunk.

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this reminds me of a photograph my new york city ex boyfriend would have sent me of himself in a bar when i was 18 (he was 29) to lure me away after high school and it worked. WE ARE LIVING THE LIFE COME JOIN US. hair was curled then i biked and some of the curls came undone. just as well as i didn’t want to deal with a curly hair sprayed rat’s nest today as i’m going to be ON CAMERA for my next publicity stunt. it is in your best interest to be at BOOM‘s 174 eglinton ave west location today at 1pm if you want to see me have a TRAINWRECK MELTDOWN in the kitchen. i refuse to wear a hairnet. i might wear the dorky baseball hat though and an apron. i love uniforms.

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i’m not contagious anymore so don’t worry though i’m only cooking for my friends so i won’t interfere with the paying customer’s lunch experience. um do you like my victoria secret legs? kate said that on facebook.

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i’ve had this jacket since i was 18. from black market. i fall in and out of love with it. thanks to this photo, out.

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and now it’s off.

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burrrrrrrrrrrata oh god so good. we should have ordered our own.

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rob thinks he is an expert on everything. he told us what his next documentary idea is. good luck buddy hahaha.

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hahah what were the jokes we made about this picture last nite? the drink list wiped my brain memory.

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i look bloated. i think i’m pre-menstrual, i had cramps but today i realise they’re abs cramps from james making me do the plank so much yesterday.

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twin towers. i think after awhile your mojo just dies in your city so you’ve got to go away and spread it around a bit.

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that drink was so good i had it again.

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bad hat hair combo.

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only works if you keep your head like this.

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i really hope they get a lumberjack to chainsaw their charcuterie boards.

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i know a lot of people who went away or are going away somewhere warm and tropical, all-inclusive, wherever and i’d be lying if i said i didn’t want to disembowel them. i have seasonal affective disorder and i feel bound to this getting dark way too early city. true, i lead a charmed life, i get a few days off between 4 things scheduled in a day here and there, i was meant to be a waste of space sloth. my life/job is unconventional and i work very hard to make it appear to be very easy. being a socialite is tiring, partying is a job, and people give you shit about it. also there is a part of you that is hoping you might find THE ONE at one of these events (you never do) so that’s another motivator to keep going. the point is, i have earned a break i feel so, i’m going away tomorrow to new orleans. my summer trip that i was very much looking forward to was canceled and then i filed it into the postponed drawer and then i got very busy. i’m only going for the weekend. i can’t even believe it. i am stressed and feel part crazy but so what that’s how it goes right? my friend is there now and she’s bored. hurricane season ended two days ago. so i have a lot of last minute preparations to sort out, i have to pack, and not overpack for once and i need to vacuum my purse of all ganj remnants and apparently they can fully violate you at security now. wicked.

this is where i will be tomorrow the french quarter!

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i’ll be in that pool.

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in this shotgun house!

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drinking absinthe at my favourite bar.

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freak-spotting.

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the food.

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brangelina’s house.

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palm trees everywhere.

pumped.

why does my voice sound like that? hahahha i sound like fat albert. meh. waiting on harvest moon to redeem this shit.

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dad bought a dufflet cake and didn’t understand the “big deal” as my aunt and i were gushing over it.

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i love sb and i love that it’s just up the street. i walked in asking for anything beatles and he had nothing so i figured f that dad for once is getting something else. he could put beatlemania out of business. wait, isn’t it already? haha.

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tin tin dinky car. not cheap.

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mom got him this. shawn and i ripped her and made candle jokes. things do not change.

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beer tour.

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grandpa’s favourite post meal sipper.

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also got him these novelty tea bags of famous composers.

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it’s weird to see your brother do domesticated things.

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my brother and dad dress alike. so funny, meanwhile they make fun of me for all my wild outfits. do you want me to dress like you guys too then? their fashion idol is seinfeld for christ sake.

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they even have his shoes and fight over them. every time my brother gets a new pair my dad eyes them covetously and cos my brother is anal once he gets a few scuffs he buys a new pair and now my dad has like 40 pairs of weird futuristic space shoes.

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show-stopping denim fave. watching seinfeld with my dad while he is dressed like seinfeld is a hysterical laugh-inducing meta explosion.

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ooh, experimental, stripes. out there. ok back to me now.

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i wore a weird outfit that didn’t photograph very well. we’re eating chili. FASCINATING REAL LIFE.

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it was really rich. had i not been sick i’d have had two slices.

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he said he can re-use the 5 for next year. mentioning next year you just lost a year dad.

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fish eye.

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people look like they’re up to no good in fish eye. criminals.

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smirnoff party face.

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he loved it.

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i said he could re-gift these, he said no way. put it on the kitchen shelf along with the queen i got him from sb. i’m going to load him up with so much sentimental nostalgic crap that shelf is going to fall off the wall. my aunt was able to get him a beatles quadruple disc he didn’t already have. everyone always double buys him stuff.

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these are from germany. they also had a set with john wayne, audrey hepburn, warhol etc etc. funny. if some snoot comes over to tea whip one of these out.

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wagner was kinda hot.

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shulgan‘s book is intense. reading it while on cold medicine and sketchy hung in the bath is an effort. he is a fantastic writer and i can visualize all the settings of toronto this book takes place in and now i know how to make a crackpipe. wicked. his tmi puts MY tmi to shame. for anyone not paying attention, shulgan is the idiot who bamboozled me for the globe and mail exploiting the end of my engagement a year ago thus igniting a media trickle down effect which thwarted me under the microscope that much more but i got his agent out of it and now we’re pals so, thanks buddy.

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nails are getting wicked long i am being very good and i am stoked for my next manicure.

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hand model coming right up.

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love my new tartan jacket. it is wicked tiny. i will make it form to my ribcage.

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snuck out to my shitty date bar. i was stir crazy. almost canceled as once i got out of the shower and put on a shirt i sick sweated soaked right through it and envisioned myself sweating by candlelight. not good. i needed to eat though and was too sick to make anything.

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that drink took forever to get through. so did the second one. by the third i was good to go for a fourth. sometimes you have to get slaughtered to deal with how terrible you feel as a sick person. i feel on the mend today but still in the thick of it.

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david bowie labyrinth outfit, same hair too. yay. pretty delirious at this point in time not going to waste getting dressed up.

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told you we were going out again ahah smooth.

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normally i don’t take any pictures on a “date” he said it was his first time experiencing anything like this and cos my mom and i had been snapping like crazy last week i figured he already knows i am insane what’s the big deal. also, it’s a good thing if i take pictures, it means i feel comfortable and you’re not a fucking asshole. anyone who makes a stink about photos ever, red flag.

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watusi has the best menu. i want them to make a raymi tapa.

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requested loads of jalapenos. heat is a drug.

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it’s the best date bar cos it’s so dark and you can share mini portions and the cocktail list is expansive and fun plus they’re two ounce drinks. mustache had 5 manhattans. he’s a suit so it makes sense. i had four different things. we were there awhile and took our time.

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i took advantage of the setting.

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someone on fb is already making ass quips. why do i have to cover up? yeah it’s pretty blatant but so what? good genes and i work hard and you don’t live forever. hearing people gasp when you walk by is funny. what’s the matter? oh someone just fainted cos they looked at my ass.

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buttons are dying to explode off me. oh my boobs have gotten perkier since personal training too i noticed yesterday, slight lift. james is sculpting me into a trophy and then he is going to sell me to rome. i told britt i’m going to get super fit and make this one asshole we know take me out to a really expensive restaurant and then not have sex with him and eat like a total pig because he said that girls he knows don’t eat at restaurants while we were in the middle of a Smörgåsbord at a resto i was featuring, like guy, this is my job to eat this shit not pretend. texts me once in awhile to visit him at his condo. britt’s like yeah fuck him over. oh, don’t worry.

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must prepare for a meeting for a new project i’m apart of that is going to be wicked spectacular i can’t wait to start hyping it.

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piece of fish message:

Hi Lauren,

Talk soon.

Don’t knock my online personae I work super hard and it’s not like this blond me is a long time ingrained thing, I was part speaking in machiavellian jest. I have struggled for many years to get where I am now and I’m exhausted. I’m sure if I had the money to flit around the world I’d write whimsical messages so cavalierly from beaches myself. To date I haven’t had the time to take a break from hustling.