sniff. how do you multiply a thousand sighs by a million? i feel so fat, i gained three pounds and i don’t want to talk about it! maybe it was the fifty meals and snacks and pop you think? we were constantly eating. ok whatever here we go, these are more people-oriented shots this time cos it was cold and we were too busy playing games and drinking AND EATING to bother looking at leaves. it was supposed to rain the entire weekend and it mostly did though we were granted some dry parts throughout, again not that it mattered cos i barely went outside. ON WITH IT! oh here‘s the set, so far, installments people, installments.

mini stop for booze and snacks and oh look a supermarket bratz doll rip-off, how nice. we saw some desperate to be hipster kids milling about this community center, burn. one was dressed like ducky, complete with leopard print tie over t-shirt and kooky hat, he eyed us like crazy. aw.

who did we bring with us this time?

brosz7kowski! the stress was just melting off his shoulders standing on the dock. i have a suspicion the beer helped a little bit too.

hai thare oh hai thare.

dave was quite the foodie host this weekend oh man my scale thanks you pal.

he slaved all nite on these puff pastries. what a dick.

LOTR monopoly what a treat. a nice verbally abusive and psychotically, competitive treat.

i find if i hold my face just so and snap it from this angle i can look like my 22 year old former skinny younger self.

the sun came out for magic hour.

playing asshole.

oh look there’s one now. ps. that hat i bought from le chateau 2 winters ago i spied it at h&m last week, great.

the asshole wears a stupid hat.

i don’t need to be an asshole to wear this hat.

i have discovered land.

so there’s more to life than being really really really extremely ridiculously good looking? and what is that?

new asshole head gear.

jambi the genie!

Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho!

raymi diet no-no: hanging with stoners.

i taught dave how to season the steaks and to dress the asparagus. don’t forget dave!

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh god.

evil delicious supermarket garlic bread. they really do get it right.

it only dawned on me that i would be stuck with three fancy camera geeks once we got there, guess how fun sitting in on those conversations is?

this fun.

my favourite lure of the deck.

dave brought out the fancy wine glasses circa 1980 then we all put on some shoulder pads, teased our hair and bedazzled our names onto t-shirts.

asshole.

total asshole.

dave how much for this stupid cup?

double asshole with cheese oh fuck i JUST remembered we had wendy’s on our way up FUCK.

ok round two comin’ soon.

aw dave is so bummed he took the day off work to reminisce over all my jokes.

so this awesome chick emailed me a few weeks ago about adult footed pj’s cos i seem mental enough to want some, obviously i accepted, and they just arrived!

hahaha, steph has a christmas fetish.

sass got adult small, i got medium, height guys height. i bet i could deal with a small. oh well. fil’s XL is HUGE.

they even do matching collars for your pets.

he’s bunching all the material in the back.

last minute desperation halloween costume?

family portrait to come, obviously.

stay tuuuuuned!

ok i’m not 100% decided on gwen, the style of wig i bought is similar to her wind it up gucci style look, her at her most crazy i think. bonus, i have a slutty nun costume to complete the ensemble. though there are many options of outfit to choose from really. my other blond haired idea is debbie harry, probably the outfit from the rapture video (short shorts, black tube top, pumps) or white dress (and then everyone will say hey it’s marilyn monroe all nite long wicked). i also considered shera until i googled it and found nothing but shitty dumpy homemade costumes, pass. if you have any other blond hair people i can emulate let me know. ooh maybe i can get a red bathing suit and do baywatch? too cold? fuck i’d have to get a brazillian for that.

to help decide on how to cast your ballot, here’s some debbie vs. gwen photos to aid you.

i could cut the bangs to be precisely blunt.

if i go as blondie i can have messier hair but i’ll have to get the makeup dead right. you can’t tell from this still but she’s wearing short shorts, watch the video.

i have a shit ton of sunglasses to choose from.

interesting, maybe i could two-tone the hair using my own? no too complicated.

i have a military type jacket i’m skinny enough to button up by now, with patches.

darker eyebrows than hair, i have those.

go all out crazy nun gwen?

cool outfit, excuse to get gold lam-ay pants from AA that i would never ever wear again ever.

whomever i end up going as i am not looking forward to wearing heels.

classic dress i have no chance in hell of ever finding.

k not really but that’s where we went wednesday nite to meet our good friend will and brought along skidfanie.

i made one babysitter hair quip, it gained some momentum and resulted in several hair styles over the course of dinner. but really, when you know you’re going out and your friend is going to take a shit ton of photos of you why do our hairs decide to go slack and frazzly?

champangover was the theme of yesterday. do i spell it champagngover? no too many g’s, this is how tough my life is people.

HAHA. growing out bangs is akin to wearing painful shoes, the awkward can be seen all over the face. it’s like having C game for a month.

we were foxley virgins, though will had been taken there the nite previous and liked it. sheena you are gettin’ steamed right now i know it.

a closer look.

lamb something dumplings.

v rare lamb. the entire menu at foxley is a bit insane.

crispy jalapeno shrimps, the favourite.

frogs legs, three of them, from a special radioactive frog. i had pointed out the cornish hen on the menu, will was like bah not into gamey things, then the waitress described the taste of frog as being gamey. hahaha.

frogs have bones, so weird.

just like chicken, yes, shitty shitty chicken.

finally we get our table, what’s with the goldie hawn pose?

for leslie‘s extensive fan porn collection.

guys we drank champagne on wednesday don’t forget! decided to just get the bottle.

another fave, short ribs.

spicy green curry mussels (duh) great sauce, the mussels were a bit meh. i tugged one out that was just way too slimy.

quail, what cheney shot his bro in the face hunting for. nice and smokey, albeit gamey. game gamey gamey game too much of that word in this post.

the salad beneath it is delicious. fil hates cilantro though.

steamed bass, will said it was better the first time he tried it. i liked it just fine.

foxley doesn’t take reservations so it’s quite a scene to watch tons of people show up to be disappointed. one cute older couple we were really hoping would score a table, they went to the bar, then our buddy jeff shows up and says he is meeting his parents for dinner, they were that older couple, and they got a table. triumphant!

the view from will’s condo is magnificent to say the least. you can see buffalo across the water. i couldn’t get one non-blurry picture, when my camera comes into contact with red lighting (thanks foxley’s bar) it is fucked for the rest of the nite. or maybe i’ve just dropped it too many times.

will is a super talented composer.

sweet relief he finally gets his paintings, he also lives in bev hills so we haven’t seen him in ten months that’s why they’ve been on our walls all this time. everyone calls him 90210 in his toronto digs. steph and i bemoaned having the alphabet for a zip/postal code.

so i’ve been feeding the guy still, he’s on the deck right now, sitting on the zero gravity lounger in fact. i just gave him some of our expensive wafers from the cheese boutiqe, two rosemary flavoured and two cracked pepper, he’s not a fan. (probably depressed the fern is gone)(if you want fern updates you’ll have to ask steph) i dragged cid out of the towel closet to see him. here are all the things i have experimented with feeding him:

pretzels

tostitos (various styles)

rye crispbread crackers (so sick i just threw another one out there all crumbled up)

biscotti

plain chips?

doritos?

i’m sure other things. anyway remember i was confronted in the elevator by our psychotic paranoid neighbour (we saw them with ten 4L jugs of water on sunday nite getting into the elevator wtf? toronto tap water is ridiculously clean) about feeding the squirrel and how people want to cut down the tree now because of it – since then i have been praying for another confrontation. i bet they have surveillance on our deck every time the squirrel comes by for a snack. of COURSE you knew i was feeding it, why even ask me you passive aggressive slag? you cannot cut down an entire pine tree because of one squirrel.

we bumped into our landlord at the movie store earlier this week, she owns our unit, we get to chatting, she asks how the apartment is oh great we say, fil goes oh we love the neighbourhood and she (landlord) says WHAT? you love the neighbours!? i say NO WAY they’re kind of…crotchety. she says THEY ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING.

i wanted to get down on my knees to fellate her on the spot because i feel like i am crazy, these nuts have been making me loony like, am i imagining things here or are they all a hive mind entity out to get me and my squirrel? and ten million other things. remember when i started working out and how all the exercise equipment began to disappear? or the ten million times i have been dissed to my face, shunned with stink eye, silent treatment, abrasive stand-offish cold hauty glares and then magical turn around when fil is by my side. fuck these people. just know the day we move out expect to be invited to the bender of the century.

anyway holy shit i am blogging about a fucking squirrel.

i saw my laundry nemesis yesterday and i initiated conversation with her and was nice and she made a slur about indian summer and indians haha, even though she used three washers for a handful of clothes we were cool. there was another old lady in there who was a cunt to me that i sing song said byeeeee to when i grabbed my clothes from the dryer and she grunted bye at me. why do old people get to live so long when they’re bitter wastes of space and cool people die young?

second installment chat with michael, our brave weirdo.

Michael: still alive

me: oh great
how you feeling

Michael: pretty good today, building my strength up for friday, i fly to ******

me: what for

Michael: say goodbye to old friends and a killer halloween party
im going as a Jedi

me: oh man
i was thinking, what if you and i had regular gmail chats and made a book out of it

Michael: kinda like thursdays with maury?

me: dude knows he is going to kick it and girl who isnt have daily or weekly mini chats about whats going on
tuesdays with morrie
we wont be that profound tho haha

Michael: monday with Michael lol

me: AHAHHA

Michael: that sounds pretty cool though

me: yeah
i dunno what id need for permission tho
i guess u just gave it
i can change yer name if you want

Michael: i dont care, ill be dead

me: !
well your family might

Michael: lets set up a day and time for each week and we will do it. my family would be cool about it
i always wanted to be a writer so this in a way would at least put me in print

me: well im always on gchat so basically whenever you see me on you chat me up
if you have something to say or are in the mood
like today i feel great or not great

Michael: i see where you’re going, cool

me: how does a jedi dress

Michael:

me: awesome
you have the hair for it

Michael: i have put together that exact costume over the last year from ebay

me: smart

Michael: some people would disagree, people who want me to do chemo
im not doing it
im just gonna live out what i have left and have no regrets
not be sick all the time

me: would chemo give you a chance

Michael: it would give me more time. but the time i would get wouldnt be worth the constant pain and sickness, its all about quality

me: you are so brave
i would get a bunch of a credit cards and buy ridiculous things
travel
stalk celebrities
ha

Michael: not brave, scared shitless really, and i have thought about the credit thing lol
i would only stalk angelina jolie

me: aw what happened to your morbid curiosity
how old are you again

Michael: oh its still there, but thats afterlife
im 38

me: well think of this year as the best year of your life
people waste their years
you know
you get to cram in a ton of awesome shit

Michael: and imagine all the pity sex! lol

me: HAHAHA

Michael: the party is held by a stripper friend of mine and it will be attended by many strippers. every year it ends up a naked free for all

me: jesus can i come
i think you can count on getting laid
not by me, at that party

Michael: come on, ur more than welcome
lol

me: ha

Michael: last year a woman had a fantasy about having sex with a guys amputated arm, the stump, and she did!! crazy shit at this party
brb

me: !!
i have to go bathe now
chat you later

Michael: k

*this chat occurred before i posted yesterday’s conversation so we have already discussed some of the questions you’ve asked in the comments. i think the hard thing about talking with michael is my own fears about death, i come off a bit stand-offish cos i haven’t figured out how to say like OMG i would be so shitting myself right now and other wimpy shit. you can’t really pose hypothetical self-centered scenarios to someone who may or may not be shitting themselves, themself.

we went to kilgour’s last nite and my favourite drunk scrabble couple was there, we had the best view of them. the guy was so loaded he didn’t check me out once. also a group of three dudes flanked the other side of us and talked about halo and other online role playing games and they talked really loud so we didn’t have to strain at all to eavesdrop in on that gold. it was one white dude and two asian guys, then the white guy said bla bla blah you know when i came back from asia i was all i KNEW that guy has himself some asian fever BAD 1. is a nerd 2. went to asia 3. hanging out with two asian dudes obvs gateway to more asian chicks. where’s sass when i need her?

i am a detective.