Michael: So I just found out. Telling u because I dont know u personally. I have terminal brain cancer! Yay! Had to get that out

me: are you serious?

Michael: yup

me: wow
how old are you
im v sorry to hear this

Michael: 38 and its cool, im cool with it
I had to practice on you before i told my family

me: aw dude
good luck
how long do you have..

Michael: 6 month to a year. I will miss reading your blog. Been reading for years
and yes i stumbled upon you because of your boobs lol

me: wow
how long have you been a reader
let me interview you soon and blog it and exploit the crap out of you
when did you find out
are you in wicked shock

Michael: sure thing u can interview me, i kinda expected it so shock is not an issue
found out today

me: why did you expect it
how have you been feeling

Michael: i have been having memory loss and seizurs for the last month, and my dad died from it so, yeah I expected it. I get bad headaches and throw up alot but i feel fine now

me: wow
i am so sorry

Michael: its ok, really. Now that I know, I am morbidly excited

me: wow
do you believe in an afterlife

Michael: thats the thing, I REALLY want to know what happens when you die. I am open to anything, I just want to KNOW
and maybe haunt some people

me: i kind of think u just shut off
like u know when u have a deep sleep and u wake up and are like wow that was long where did i go

Michael: well if there is anything, i promise to visit you and scare the shit out of you in the shower or something

me: !!
well i just bought a blonde wig
if that makes u happy

Michael: looks good, but i prefer your normal look, and damm, looks like ur boobs got bigger in pic imgp7071

me: HAHA
its the shirt
its an xs
my tits are deceptively small looking

Michael: oh ive seen them, you are a very beautiful woman, tits and all

me: ha thanks
im looking for u on my fb
is yer middle name *****

Michael: email me an interview and ill do it, and keep up the good work. you’re very talented, crazy but talented

me: ha crazy

Michael: in a good way

me: ok stay in touch

Michael: will do, thanks for talking

me: chat me anytime

Michael: k, have a good one. bye

me: byebyebye

DOOZY MUCH?

so i asked michael if we could do a book together – dying dude and chick who isn’t dying have daily chats, but then i thought it wouldn’t be fair to him for it to come out after he dies, it would be nicer for him to get immediate feedback from my blog and maybe make some new pals and get some pity sex out of it (his words not mine re: the pity sex)(and he’s not bad looking) so i’ve decided to do a regular installment on my blog of our chats. i think we can all get something out of this, feel free to ask michael questions in the comments when you are done crying.

also if you have any advice on how michael can deliver this news to his mom and brothers, let us know. i told him to watch the scene from reality bites when steve zahn does a little vignette with Janeane Garofalo about telling his parents he’s gay for the first time.

i mean it. i uploaded even more than i did yesterday so if yer a lazy ADD riddled piece of shit you can just look at the set but you will miss my witty captions so it’s up to you. i am officially sick of my orange hat. gill i need to get the hat i left at your place the nite of my art show back soon.

to breakfast, dave “lost” his wallet (to weed) and i took ages applying makeup over my unwashed face, a rustic favourite. fil was all you’re not going to a cotillion, oh shut up, do you want to sit with a crabby skid at breakfast or a crabby beauty queen?

yeah yeah you think you’re sick of these self-timed/taken poses just wait, you’ll WISH that’s all this post was. i’ma completely ruin in no particular order just for you the following: LEAVES, TREES, LAKES, CANOES, SUNLIGHT REFLECTING ON LAKES, DOGS, BEER BOTTLES, COTTAGES, & FALL. no prob!

i’m pretty sure the locals loved us. i told the story about when fil and i went to the catskills and got to wander around opus 40 on our own, leslie called her buds over there to see if we managed to make it, they said to her oh yeah that guy with the silver car and the PARIS HILTON CHICK WITH THE DARK HAIR?

no fucking kidding.

visiting the kid corner, i mused that everyone probably thought sass was our little sister and told dave to take her picture, k i can’t remember how i said it, basically dave looked like a humungo pedophile with his huge camera and sass drawing on the chalkboard hahahaha.

totally feeling the art work.

ohh hmm lets see here let me put my glasses on oh hum, what colour do you want harold? harold, HAROLD!

is that the time out bench?

ahmagad wrap around raised porch no biggie.

oh wiley.

totally dumped a ton of beer on myself for this.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i love this jacket.

fil, doing all the hard work. ps. PADDLING ISN’T HARD WORK.

hilarious.

BAHAHA

i must be drunk still cos the word DAZZLING is hilarious to me right now.

i have a big one for this canoe.

OMG LEAVES. whatever, get your fill cos they’ll be gone soon.

stand by me, anybody?

zoolander.

omg a berry in a patch of sunlight, sorry you missed it.

sigh is an understatement. i had a nice little rest while fil and dave wandered around nerding out, then i took an epic minute long piss in the woods, it was great.

i’ve had these legwarmers since i was 18, from black market.

gettin’ a little bored over here guys.

and hungry.

and sober.

home again.

nostalgic cup i would not shut up about, grandma and grandpa’s house had a set of these. i did not steal it.

nostalgic for this moment being over before it ended, like sundays. fuck i hated sundays as a kid and anyway this was saturday.

ok baibai.

oh wait, who wants to see this with me? it played at TIFF and i missed it.

Written and directed by Kevin Smith, it stars mostly Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks, but also Jason Mewes. Craig Robinson, Traci Lords, and Kenny Hotz (i had no idea kenny!)

blah blah bla Zack and Miri are two housemates that are hopelessly in debt. They can’t pay their rent, so they make a porn to sell on the internet but unfortunately they fall in love. this is the unrated trailer for it, meaning swear words (my fave) Zack And Miri Make A Porno. it appeals to me cos i like to think that in times of hardship you can always fall back on the sex industry to eat, even though apparently less people are watching porn these days thanks to blogs. i know!

Girl u really set a trend here in holland!!

Jeroen

more cottage to stuff down your throats! added to the flickr set 73 more pictures today, can’t possibly put them all up in this post, oh man don’t know which picture to choose from this angle of a leaf or that one??? people MUST see BOTH!

so we wake up saturday morning to this, gah lovely.

i’m not that hung cos i kind of took’er easy the nite before, maybe on a scale of one to ten for hung i’m about a 6.5 which is pretty good for the cottage. normally i’m like an eleven.

should i ejaculate now or later, now?

dave told us it would be rustic and for some reason based on the picture he sent me which in no way resembles what the place actually looks like and the idea i had built up in my head inspired by the word rustic, i was expecting the house patrick swayze kurt russell and his four sons live in in the movie overboard. this place is not rustic at all, compared to the elitist “cottage” mansions i much prefer the former. i do not enjoy driving for hours to be uptight, clean, on edge about crumbs or feel like we are on a tight schedule.

if you aren’t hung out of your mind you get to reward yourself with whiskey and coffee for breakfast. i guess you can reward yourself with that even if you are hung.

two socks. oh i also sat on some sap and haven’t washed those leggings yet, i guess it has no chance of coming out now?

phallic weather predictors.

wake up princess.

i have a video of this epic dog battle.

greasy morning hello.

i was seriously just stuck choosing which floating leaf to put on my blog.

dangerous self-timed photos on shaky dock.

so pretentious.

bailey’s hot chocolate compliments of sass.

aw i heart you too!

gettin’ pumped for…

canoe ride with dad!

hilarious watching dave struggle to get both dogs in and out of the boat, he’s such a single dad with those two.

hahaha.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

then we went to breakfast at a nice little place clearly filled with local regulars and fil was very much taken with the table of old ladies havin’ themselves a right old gas near our table, i encouraged him to join them, he didn’t. when we go up north fil turns into rainman, nothing but tunnel vision and quips about how he likes things, cottage things, yes i know me too fil thanks for the five-thousandth reminder.

i can’t even pronounce half the ingredients properly.

it was too cold for this get-up on sunday, blah blah the cut-eye was worth it.

HAHAHAHAHA EW!

i have poor circulation, see how my pointer finger nail is white and the others are pink? sometimes my entire pinky drains of all colour and goes numb. scary! this happens when i am cold and complain of being cold, am ignored until i produce this blazin’ white finger as proof. the first time it ever happened was at the bread and honey festival after smoking a joint at nite, we were all so intrigued, repulsed and high as hell.

dropped in at fil’s sister’s place and she served us the most amazing BEANLESS chili from the states, by hormel (can’t get it here) and even gave us a can for the road. i think we’re going to crack it tonite.

yesterday i dressed like a stacked sailor.

i guess you kind of can’t tell but i’ve lost more weight, and i don’t know how cos i’ve been eating like a total pig lately. an absurd amount of carbs, salts, chips. last nite fil made chips from scratch. anyway, not complaining at all.

i hope you enjoyed this respite from cottage pictures cos that’s all i got from here on in until the next wacky adventure.

just a little cottage pictures break. i hope you are prepared for one of my shittiest stories ever all the way from grade 8? 7? probably grade 8. yeah right i wrote it yesterday hahaha. anyway, this bona fide piece of crap is called THE HUNTER AND RAINBOW WOMAN!

kids used to pay me a dollar to draw those block letters for them, yes, kids with even shittier more hopeless penmanship than that. i also fancied it up sometimes graffiti style.

evidence this garbage was totally created by me, my old signature.

you know i consider myself super smart on account of the pompous and unnecessary use of capable. i guess it paid off cos they did make me valedictorian.

and here’s our duck with arrow, clearly CAPABLE of flying.

retard, you only brought one special arrow to the forest?

i know i much preferred to use the F word here.

yeah makes total sense.

TO STUFF HIM UP HER VAGINA!

nice hair.

oh god two more pages to go.

does this guy not have a fucking compass or possess any navigational skills whatsoever??

this is the part when whatever quality or effort put into these drawings totally disappears. HAHAHA what the fuck is that a piece of shit with legs?

also, the plot gets a little confusing.

followed by another fantastic drawing.

blah blah blah basically dude runs on ahead like a coward, rainbow slut catches up, the giant woman is making “woomp” noises in close pursuit.

for some reason this guy’s outfit is now brown, i forgot to point that out from the first drawing of him.

rainbow woman’s outfit changes constantly too, hello continuity? i like her slutty lipstick though.

WHAAAT!? remember i warned you about the plot.

total trap alright, so ahead of my time. look how different the hunter looks now, becoming a father turned him square, and what kind of trap did she set, a bear trap? i’m obviously alluding to her seducing him, what a sexist dick i am.

then the plot turns maury povich, our hunter pulls a runner.

aw sniff. i forgot to colour her lips.

sucker. you can tell this drivel is religiously influenced.

get a life lady!

oh man SO didn’t see this one coming.

this is the worst story ever.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

wow i must have drawn this a minute before handing it in.

jesus, stay tuned for this one.

had to bring in the fern, stupid windy out.

thanks to the little mexican i had to lock it in the bathroom. it has since been put back outside. fil is home sick today. JOGGING PANTS PARTY!

so steve martin’s book i am digging the shit out of. way inspiring. there’s just so much about the guy i never knew before, he’s a genius. he worked at disneyland as a kid when it first opened in anaheim, he said it was his versailles. can you imagine being immersed in that kitschy vintage world every single day? it made me weepy to read that chapter, i have never been to disneyland, nor world. i didn’t even go to canada’s wonderland til i was 15, what the fuck right? he hung out with some truly colourful people in his twenties, beatnik hippie types. he smoked pot, went to a theatre and suffered a major anxiety attack that lasted two decades, and pretty much saved him from ever doing blow. it’s calming to read about this anxiety in a sense for me right now as i am currently going through the same shit. he hid his anxiety all those years too.

“When I think of the moments of elation I have experienced over some of my successes, I am astounded at the number of times they have been accompanied by elation’s hellish opposite.”

i also really liked shop girl, both movie and book, anyway, i’m 2/3 through born standing up and i think you would also like it.

ps. mr. martin i understand you’re an art collecting fiend, buy one of my paintings!

have to do this up in installments because i am too busy mourning the loss of the weekend and require 5 solid minutes to stare longingly at each picture taken (all 500 of them) and possibly compose a sonnet for each one. the set is here and will be added to.

i am SUPER into this game. it took a lot of explanation from sass i had no idea what i was doing for the first round, she basically played for me and i beat her. the next day we played twice and i beat her both times. ALL BY MYSELF. i am going to try and find this game at toys ‘r us.

pre-teen picture puzzle! we did not tackle this guy. i think it’s called pre-teen picture puzzle (featured at a cottage) cos pre-teenagehood is the only time you can drag the kids up before they are moody pieces of ungrateful shit, only once the teenage years are over do those guys GET IT.

we brought our own cook.

DEAR IT’S 50 O’CLOCK! ha DEER i just noticed that.

i made an investigation video of what’s behind the newspaper from 1970, you will have to wait and see. dave in all his life never peeked behind there, that’s a job for nosy city folk.

stefani/harajuku practice. sass has to learn to be silent. derno if it’s gonna happen.

could i look less like gwen here?

i was really into how into his dog this guy is, i hope he got a good paycheck out of this shoot cos i’m sold. even that dog brought his A-game.

creepy checkers, pass.

i seriously think this is a body pillow.

swooooon.

this game was only a teeny bit racist, not a lot, only a little, and just the right amount.

pink sparkly, makes sense.

we were a little cold waiting for dave to get back to start a man fire, didn’t want to go ahead and do it ourselves in case the flue was closed.

man fire! i was into making fires later on, paper fires!

one of my many talents is pretending to play the guitar for photographs, i’m pretty decent at it.

oh wiley you bring out the blue in my eyes.

sass’ crap letters, thanks for the vowel lesson.

my crap letters, “NOWQNF_ lets turn this into a drinking game.” raymi said, and so it was. 1 drink for every tile your opponent puts down.

tons of layers.

poison? oh man wait til you see the pics of fil in my wig.

super flattering kitchen lighting.

guess what, it is possible to be sentimental over kitchen chair cushions, recognize this mom/dad?

hahaha so international, do they mean slutty russian? and if it’s flame retardant why does it reek of gasoline?

ok stay tuned ya hosers.