i found that i was drinking myself away. i was drinking my life away. i was unhappy and became more unhappy and i didn’t see that happiness was a possibility any longer. for me. all of this shouldn’t even be said but i’ve kind of had enough of the online needling attempts and assumptions, whathaveyou. being a depressed person from the start doesn’t exactly work in your favour when it comes to these things, these things as in going out every single nite, drinking, blogging about it, then doing it again and again and again and asking for a time out, begging for one even, a hey look at me what about me? us? it wasn’t anybody’s fault it was just our life and it quickly became habit. in the end i went out less, but on the nights i did i was not enjoying myself so i drank through it, still unhappy, not even drunk just drinking but still waking up hung everyday in a fog. that is not a life to live. that is not a life. on top of it everyone is always asking you the what’s up, how goes and inside you are like, fuck all, what more do i need to give you when i have nothing for myself. here comes the self-loathing tell all piece of shit you’ve been waiting for.
many have overstepped boundaries here, have too sooned some shit. not cool. five years, think about it. that’s not your shit, that’s mine.
do you want to know the honest truth? i became ornamental and allowed it. i became alone and it felt normal. i gave up on myself, on being myself. i became callous. i forgot what romance was, passion. it got lost. real world stresses took it away and in its place we put booze and companionship and familiarity. thought we’d have the rest of our lives to work it out, he did. he feels that was such a gaff, and i agree. i said (and am saying way too much now) you are going to lose me and not even notice. the last two weeks of it, personal shit (though there was always something), were very fucking hard on the both of us, for two different reasons. the short of it is i could no longer tolerate being shut out emotionally, my spirit had had enough. i actually once daily said to myself the words i want to die. over-melodramatic words, that i meant, but i could never do that. but daily i felt it. i think i even said it to a few deaf ears. i know i did.
each day if i was not feeling ok i would never let on, on my blog. smile, pull through, this is your life, make it look good. years flew by. i’m not saying there weren’t magical wonderful times too, i’m only saying i felt like in the end we were only together based purely on shallow reasons, jealousy, our looks. possessiveness. yes of course there is/was love there holding it all together but at the root of my unhappiness i looked at us and that’s what i saw. there are certain times in your life when you see things from one narrow perspective only and that’s what i saw from my murky perch.
we acted beautifully together for everyone else but us. while alone it was stretches of silences for hours in our own little online worlds until it became dark then we’d get ready and go out to whateverthefuck was going on that nite. most things i didn’t want to do, i often chose his wants over my own. there’s nothing worse than acting for people you don’t even want to hang out with when you don’t feel like hanging out. making other people’s priorities supercede that of your own until you get to a point when you don’t care about anything anymore.
i said i would be witch hunted for all this, how could i do such a thing? leave? i can’t possibly tell the truth about the truth, it’s nobody’s business but when it turns out to be like i was the catalyst, rules change. he said he didn’t care go ahead tell ‘em, he feels awful naturally. gutted. it’s a mutual feeling.
in short, you can’t change people, people can’t change and they don’t. they learn maybe, but at heart you cannot change your blueprint. fuck we tried alright. in the beginning i was so in lust in love i overlooked a few things, i know he did too. i am an extremely affectionate being but you wouldn’t know it if you knew me in the last five years.
this has been the hardest time in my life in a long time. i feel like i haven’t made an adult decision ever before this. people say it’s a brave move, some are wont to just remain in situations forever out of fear, fear of change. being bold.
everybody is asking WHAT HAPPENED. guy, there isn’t one concrete response to that, don’t be such a silly selfish fucker. many things happened over the expanse of five years. little things add up over time and then you just pop.
for the now what i’m doing is a, well rather trying to anyway, everything is hunky dory tra-la-la show must go on routine, blog-wise. it’s a mindfuck. blogging is supposed to be cathartic. we’re trying to do a no contact for a month thing, tried to before that. it’s fucking rough and tough and i feel so insane right now i’m trying to dope myself into a state of mental disappearance. i want to disappear from feeling this way. i want the ultimate relax pill.
i feel like i have lost an entire fucking city. and yes i gave the ring back.
here’s something from someone else.
maybe rather than blasting per se, it’s an opportunity to explain that the blog is built from your life – life as inspiration – but that in fact it’s a construct. truth in a fictional form. or a fiction that’s built from truth.
Paul Theroux has a novel called My Other Life. the protagonist is a famous author named Paul Theroux. but as he says in the epigraph, “this is the story of a life I could have lived had things been different.”
I dunno, it’s a complicated dance. you sort of attract readers with bits of revelation and humor and the odd nipple or two, but there’s a boundary too. you know where it is but many will never understand it.
maybe if you explain that it’s a construct, you might lose/turn off readers. dunno how that would feel to you.
I blather!
i fit right in.
fully.
one vodka pump spray or three, please.
crazytown. i’ve been holed up in here all damn day. only leaving the room for more coffee and piss breaks.
this is holly. we have a lot in common. namely, big mouths.
comin’ up next on raymiCom – bar fights and car chases!
