my power is going to your head

Hey guys, now where were we because I have no clue. Never cut a blog post in half if you are a Raymi Lauren because when you get back into it you’ll just be lost. Lots has happened in the four days since I last blogged.

Back to last night and the gang of Scooby Doo. This girl SARAH came as my date. When she arrived and we were all taking turns introducing ourselves I was like OH HEY THAT’S MY DATE like a big proud lesbian Heidi Fleiss. Everyone made fun of (because they were impressed!) me for having a limo driver. Do you know how humiliating it was backing out of a tiny lane in Kensington market in that thing, white yuppie hipster families were eyerolling us and my mom was bobbing around all over the limo with her camera I was mortified because I get Toronto and was like this is the shit that someone films and it goes viral and I was worried the driver would back over a child or something. It was a very Yoko moment I was definitely having a small panic attack haha. Even saw Jesse on the street and called to him but could only reach just my hand out and waved like Beyonce. Fuck. I saw his confused face. He messaged me on FB and asked if I yelled to him from a limo in Kensington market and I said yes and he said it was so out of place ahahah.

They’re like how do you even have a limo driver?

Well, Brian, I went out looking for trouble one night in the fall and I found it in the form of a group of guys who all drive for this limo company that one owns and we gave’r together. I ran into them again Friday night after my dull date, I sat there alone catching up on my phone while the vultures encircled me…limo bros were there. I asked and they delivered. Hey I gotta do this thing on Sunday can you drive me? When opportunity knocks Raymbo answers.

Sorry for being a smug douchebag I really cannot help it at all right now!

Such a liar I obvs love it. It’s better to love myself than hate myself, which I do 80% of the time. I’m good I’m loyal I tried now I yolo and that’s that.

I was still beating myself up about Naked News but then the big boss came back from vacation and said that I looked great “hot shot” and they’re airing my thing on Friday when am I available next week. Which means I carry on! Wayward son! Back to sexercising.

I want a blog assistant. My mom has a crushload of pics en route at some point I am already so overwhelmed with my own crappy ones! On top of the extra attention I am getting lately, the distractions, I die and I have to pack and move. Will I be able to relax after I move is that how it works?

Haha had to.

Don’t worry I will always be in touch with my slob market. Hi Jared. Boylord had a hang yesterday afternoon. He showed up as I was in the middle of being supremely angry at some tool kid using this abuse style tactic of picking me up and it set me right the fuck off hahaha. Jared knocked on my door and I went WHAT!!!? Lol. Sorry.

This feels like a million years ago now and was just yesterday. A million bottles of wine stand in between these moments however so there ya go.

I finally tried on these tights and they were too tiny, my legs are too long I’m a Raymazon. Jared’s lil sis got them as well a shirt he forgot to take last time he was here and she loves them yay win.

Look at the flipping lake. Gonna miss this room hard. My nest on the water.

Deep fried pickles in crushed nachos and batter what! Date food. He used a fork and knife not for me sorry.

Starting to look like a hobo in all my clothes getting loose. None of my just washed clothes were dry enough yet so I had to wear these pants. COOL STORY.

My TBT. When I was a music industry groupie darling I looked like this. Some of those people from back then I know still and they honestly feel like family I am really lucky. Time stands still in the music industry because none of us want to age.

Last tbt for now. See how long I had my fryes for. Kudos to you if you know the story in how I got them.

Ok one more I am really sorry this post has no direction. Can you see how shy I am? I am a shy hard. Term I just invented.

I used to look gross tho! I had no idea about fitness.

But in Maine my hair looked like Dido. A red flamed pagoda.

My ex fiance took this photo you jerks. Yeah I just pee on display. True we were gassed at a party and this is what people did at the time!? No regrets at all!

The key to success and eating meals so boring it inspires suicide.

I saw this skinny moose and I was like I’m jealous of your figure I hate myself and I suck!!!!!!!! AT EVERYTHING! hahaha. Being secretly melodramatic and making jokes about it is a luxury I am adorning myself in. BF is already pleading kind of to get his way back in. BE STRONG RAYMBO.

My walk after audition was a relief though because the tension was finally over and I got to move into another category of hell known as DREAD. It’s normal to suffer a low after a high.

It’s all good now though! It never wasn’t I am just a hypochondriac about the following: everything.

I dig how that is lined up. The tippppp.


Forgot we had to wear a shirt on camera as the teaser part. This is what I wore. haha. Angie told me it doesn’t matter what you wear there because you do it naked and I took that extremely to heart. #neveragain

Just searching for all the fucks I give that’s all.

Okay lets move forward now. These guys were so good. They’re called The Dead South and you should love them. I almost wore MY hat like that last night can you imagine ahahha. Jared said no.

Jeez I haven’t blogged in awhile eh. I mean I have but I cut it short. Hate having this backlog and answering to no one.

Senorita, mosquito…who’s that giiiiiirl.

The future is now hi Kat #girlpower. Can you believe I interviewed her about cosplay for Playboy and now I am working with her? Full circle yass.

This is how freaked out I look on my way to an audition. IT’S TOTALLY COOL I AM FINE GUYS.

I felt more myself in these wedges.

Red moon.

And with filters. Caught up with the past now thank hell.


If I’m not talking then I am blogging

It’s like an out of body experience. You think you’re going to say all these things but then end up blanking a lot. I am sure it wasn’t as bad as I am playing over and over again in my head. Kat cheered me right the fuck up yesterday and said her screen test makes her cringe. Thank fucking GOD for that because she is flawless in every capacity and runnin’ tings! Outside the confines of the screen test I pledged that I would be better.

But you know what, so what! So fucking what if the entire world can have screen grabs of me full frontal nude now. I mean it would only be the end of office job career potential what’s to worry? Gahahhaa.

I have already been naked all over the internet anyway I am already royally fucked so why not just keep going.

All these people I see posting carpe diem shit like, I’d rather try everything then to never have tried and I agree but I wonder if they really mean it because I don’t exactly see them taking ballsy moves outside the parameters of agency squeaky clean life cough cough BULLSHIT.

Anyway. Some celebrities get interviewed in the buff on Naked News and I think that is uber rock and roll. The age spectrum is vast. You don’t have to be cookie cutter hot to make it anywhere in the biz. All you need is a face, a personality, charm, charisma.. yes ok all those things and be okay being naked too.

Am I ok being naked? Well I am but everyone around me makes me not okay with it. All the shitty things they say when we all should be standing naked in a field together with our hands on our hips in the sun having coffee like hippies and being cool with one another. That is not reality though. I reject your reality and I choose my own. Raymality.

Before I forget, this is a daily obsession.

Wings are probably not good for you two nights in a row BUT if you catch wing night on both of those nights it’s basically like health food. Savings be healthy!

Screen test scoop: I may or may not have said MEN BE THIRSTY. It’s probably my best soundbyte.

I feel like a caricature of a human sometimes even though this is all very plainly real. Just when I have to “go sexy”.

Just when I am like, you are a sex symbol now. You have always been a sex symbol. Go be that. DO that. BE HOT. Own it.

When I said I wanted to take over the world with my body and my mind. These little things I say and I think and I do and I persist.

And once a committee approves my rate I’m gonna be a gosh durn ring girl! That one pulled me right out of my funk yesterday lol. Kat Curtis gets the first props of course. But this email asking me if I ever considered being a ring girl. Talk about HELL YES. Will keep you posted but no I never considered it. When does it occur to you that you want to be a ring girl that day? Um maybe if I am high on mushrooms because I never thought I could be ring girl hot. I’m gonna be on ESPN and broadcasted internationally in a World Title Fight match, (a la Vegas meets Canada). I’ll walk out on the ring in Round 1 of each match (there’s 12-14) because that’s the sponsor’s round who is hiring me. Everyone will see my MINX tattoo on ESPN. Gonna get custom underwears designed. This is hilarious to me. In my autobio there will now be a chapter beginning with, and that was the period that I became a famous wrestling ring card girl. PFFTTTT!!!! I love this pinch me.

oh and guess how they found me? BURN!

It has been a long winter. It is my birth month. March 31 is like shedding a skin every year of my life. No one has a perfect life. I’ve gone through a lot this last year or two. I feel like I deserve all good things that come to me and am totally fine with tooting my own horn about it. I am super humble too fyi. When things go bad I accept and I understand, tolerate, am patient in knowing that it will pass and things will be better. That’s why it sucks when people flip out when you have something you’re proud of to share because you saw it coming first and know you have to take in their animosity. I have spent many years working on myself and repeating the same mistakes I will admit but the point is I HAVE worked hard and I am not done yet.

I was blessed with talents I pissed away while some I kept at. Nothing was handed to me. Anything I achieved, earned, gained I did so while people ridiculed me (and many built me up!) I went against the grain always. That takes a toll on one. You may never see the end of it in sight and people might never appreciate your efforts but there is a hope within you that should never, ever, ever, be extinguished. Don’t you ever stop.

We rented this car for a few weeks two summers ago, Dutch guy and I. They don’t have them in Holland. We also got one in blue. That year I had a Ford car sponsorship, they gave me 5 cars in total and all totally insanely fun. In between those freebies, Dutchie rented crazy hot rods. That’s why we went through so many cars. He wanted to experience America (in Canada). We met a nice cop one day who drove up to us when we were in the blue Dodge Challenger who just so happened to have a Dutch wife. Month’s later, this chance encounter saved the ass of someone I was in the car with (speeding) it was the same cop. This person should be kissing my ass every day of their life come to think of it. Anyway, that cop never forgot me or Dutch bf lol.

Yesterday’s run was super wet. I didn’t do the whole route I normally do because I ran through a deep mass of puddles and my feet froze instantly I almost called my dad to come get me lololl but eventually my shoes squeegeed out the water and I was fine so I kept going a bit longer but then I missed Lexi at the bar (wing night) and felt like an asshole. We hadn’t confirmed actually meeting IMO is the only reason/excuse. She was cool about it though. I was bummed because I had been so happy that Yasss I DO have people I don’t HAVE to be a loner all the time. My bf jokes “that we both know you don’t have any friends” ahha actually I have plenty of friends and you actually can’t handle it but that’s a fight for another day so… lol.

Moments before I ran through deep ice slush then was cornered.

aww hi.

In the morning bf drops me off I get shots of the lake. I picked him from tinder cos of proximity hahaha. Oh and looks too. I was like look at this (hot) douche lets see if I can get him.

And guess what I don’t need your dating advice. If it ends it ends. I survived it once. The ball is in both our courts. I refuse to change because I do not need to. I am living my truth. I am devoted and a good girlfriend to have and he knows that. Sure we fight but that’s life. We are both hot blooded but also goofy. During Saturday’s showdown I finally broke into laughing it was such a relief. It requires so much more energy to be angry, to be mad, to hold up a tough front which we both totally can do, will do. Ice each other out while the tension builds and builds but why? It’s so dumb. Just tell the other what’s bugging you. However I take it like would you treat ANYONE else this way? Fuck no. Would they take it? Absolutely not so why do you think it’s ok to do it to me, it isn’t at all period. Be in control of your emotions and do not take them out on others. I am sensitive and it takes a lot for me to be chill and when I get chilled I am fine BUT if someone comes in with a mood at me I pray for them. I refuse moodiness in my life I am too old to suffer anymore. That’s my bitchy rule and if you can’t abide by it then we are going to have problems. I want to be surrounded by happiness not moody men and if I have to be a lesbian then that will be fine too. I will never take anything lying down ever again and men respect that. I told him he can’t control me so STOP. I said it with so much vigor he thought I was going to leap over the table and snatch my phone back.

I think my playfulness gets misinterpreted as immaturity which is childish and then I get infantilized when bruh, I’m almost 32. You cannot mould me into an obedient baby girl this bitch is set. I can be agreeable however and I do compromise when the mood strikes.

But yeah I guess I should not have blogged any of this lol. The point is I do not need your advice. I didn’t ask for it. If I asked for it I would not ask you. I’d confide in my friends.

flirt with yourself publicly

Hi hi hi Monday hi. It’s gorgeous out. Tomorrow will be 8. 8!

Can I get an amen for self confidence sing it with me now! (James Brown voice).

I feel I was meant to be an MC and everyday here is like writing the dumbest most pointless and enjoyable speech ever.

I read yesterday’s blog post to my bf in fact while he ate the stew that I made because I am stewpendous and every breath I took I’d pause and go, is this good, are you listening? Nods while chewing okay good, moving on.

Whenever I orate my blog to guys I always skip over the guy parts like phewf close one there bruh.

Speaking of stew have you ever tenderized your meat with beer? It works like a charm.

My lunch.

I wandered out on Saturday night for a bit. had to. Saturdays put too much pressure on a “relationship”. We had a fight.

We have unresolved shit because we’ve dated before aaaaaaaaaaaand well, your hero of course was the good guy in this fight. I just do not suffer anything anymore. He has met his match which is the recurring issue.

It was a dumb fight that exploded, I called the bluff and peaced. THEN I chillaxed because what the fuck had to.

I came back, we made up.

I feel like an actor in the play of my own life sometimes.

We have a good time. The good outweighs the bad, of which there is none. People meddle maybe. I’m under the radar on his fb again so it hasn’t really started happening yet haha. Don’t get me wrong there is loads of juicy shit but is this the focal point of my blog now? Do you reveal this garbage? I would kind of just like all of the attention for myself actually.

On to my Raymbo Bright fashions then!

I just went for a tan and wiped off all my makeup put bronzer on then tried to fix but didn’t really don’t make fun of my faaaaaaaace!

These hobo pants all weekend long so loose.

Ya um hi I’m here to try on all these clothes. I dunno guys this is just me in a change room. bf said he noticed me walking around skinny in the supermarket and so I was double checking up on that.

Checked out some Fords.

I was concerned with looking unprofessional showing up in party sunglasses from that volleyball tournament last summer he’s like pfft who cares puts on his hot red HONDA raybans. The car dealer man had interesting bangs I said. Yeah he looked like Pinnochio’s dad. Gepetto? BAhhahahaah. That is basically what our running commentary is like all day long.

And he really did look like Gepetto btw.

lol just the first one I found.

Winter I barf on you!

Hmm Saturday was cursed from the start I’d say. I think we try too hard.

Is there metal in that ring on that plate, did you nuke that plate before? I didn’t really get an answer but there you go. The dishwasher leaked everywhere mysteriously as well and soaked two large towels. The sink was clogged. Holy shit one thing after another all before coffee too!

I secretly had no idea what I was doing but I nailed it! Thank you google!

One healthy shot each and we were on our ass. We don’t drink really so it’s like going in knowing things are gonna go off the chain. Brown liquor scares me because it makes you cray, fight juice. But instead it just made us giggly and stupid. Moonshine was invented because people were bored I guess. Winter is boring! He got this bottle on his work trip. What is this Mad Men? Pfft kind of?

I’m wearing two pairs of pants, two sweaters and I still look kinda lithe. Jus tignore that I said that please I am talking to myself here.

Okay that’s all for now.

Time to wreak havoc elsewhere.

xo rlw esq.

trapped in Raymidise

Hey dreamboats ready for all the stupid crap that’s gonna come out of my mouth lets go.

Everyday I shrink. I shrink or maintain. Next week is the big reveal of all this body insanity so any time that I feel like succumbing to eating a pile of sour keys I remember that everyone is going to see me full frontal soon and how much nasty judgmental body garbage do I feel like taking on really so I avoid and I avoid but sometimes I cheat (with cheese or whatever) and it doesn’t affect me. Like when I was really skinny at 26 I could eat big macs and cheese pizzas at 2 am and still was a rail somehow.

I do not understand this sudden turn of skinny that occurs at times in one’s life but I’m certainly not going to fuck with it.

I am embracing my Kylie Minogue comeback years I guess. I have let myself go a few times or sometimes it just happens? But anyway I really don’t care what anybody says about me (yes I do have feelings) because I have honestly been through it all. People are SO FUCKING MEAN to me. About me. So I’m done. I’m so done. I think you turn cuckoo when you age you step off a leaf on the beanstalk and you start being extreme you!

The voice of Raymi the Minx began as a heroine to the underdog because that is who I am.

I was bullied in grade 6 and I overcame it. I achieved. Became the Valedictorian of my class. I will become the scholar of my league now. This lane. Yours. I am ready to be a champion again.

God I just checked my stats and saw all this stupid shit in there. Every time I start to feel right about myself and my life, in come the haters. Without fail. A sign you know shit’s getting good. Not saying it’s perfect but fuck am I ever sick of the toxic reaction I engender when all I am essentially doing is bettering myself (trying) and blogging my simple fucking life experience. People sicken me. I do not see their good when all they show is bad.

I do not consider myself arrogant but I do know I am a quick study and I am awesome. That’s a threat. Now throw in all this sexuality crap which is blatantly exactly WHO I unabashedly am and so many take issue with it. I mean I get it man but I take pride in my human experience, the stories I tell and the entertainment I provide to those around me. Yes I can see how some might find it obnoxious but why are these some continuously coming back and back and back and back for more if they find it so obnoxious?

You know why? Because they are scared because it doesn’t end but they want it so desperately to. They can’t just exist knowing you exist and you thrive. They want you to feel very, very, very, very badly.

It really is sick. I have bare witness to so many sanctimonious, terrible, spiteful, nasty people online. They don’t seem to do anything else than feed off negativity. They do not change, they do not learn. They do not let be.

As much as people despise facebook I love it because it connects us all. I have formed a lot of bonds with strangers over the years and love to see their lives. I would NEVER throw rocks (glass houses) I would never, you know? I would never point blank harass and abuse someone every day it’s just that simple. Trolls are mentally ill. End of story.

When I started blogging I did it to lure men (for readers) because I thought only men would be interested in a girl’s bullshit. Then women came along and outnumbered that so I catered to you guys too. My entire brand is co-opted from breeding with VICE magazine tell it like it is style. When I mention Nerve I mean the boudoir sexy style of tease. I am a tease, a minx, a provocateur. I am a melancholy woman artist who seeks validation for my looks. Look at everyone on instagram, I am not the only one. I guess I am just saying to my haters is just please understand what this fucking is. It’s not an act it’s not an anything. I’ve been doing it so long I’m at the point where even I don’t know what’s next or wtf is going on and that’s the beauty of it and life but all things are gonna go the way they’re supposed to I am a firm believer and I am pretty sure if you spend your life trying to stand in the way of someone else’s dream, their lifestyle, life, you’re a fucking louse. You’re a piece of utter shit. Don’t you think perhaps some people have had enough ever? You know it’s illegal now and you go to jail for trolling. Do you want to be infamous and made an example of? Will I be the first Canadian blogger to send someone to jail? Or get you fired? Like honestly the abuse I’ve suffered warrants it when you think about it. I’ve actually blanked out huge chunks of time periods when I was under a lot of haterade but it all comes back eventually. You never forget hate.

But you overcome it and move on. It’s a means to distract you from your work too. I am too gullible for this every time. Gosh gee troll attention over meow. Just all know that if given the chance I would beat the ever loving shit out of you, or watch others do it. I’d enjoy a glass of wine while watching in fact. I don’t understand or tolerate people who hurt others so I am beyond logic or reason at this point and I’m done with words. I will go FULL Mississauga on your ass. LOL.

On to more important shit like Rocky. I had a nightmare about him last night. I finally caught him and held him like a human straightjacket. I need to see him asap haha. He’s such a special little guy. Something about his breed. So docile and lovely and purry and fluffy explosion into googoogaga land.

I uploaded these to blog Friday but my blog went down and my colleague ripped the guys a new asshole. Seriously if it was down today I would have sent the most psychotic text to him. It would be like if Winston Churchill could text Hitler during WWII level beautiful. okay I have to tweet that last sentence brb. LOL he JUST replied pretendsies your blog is down cos he wants to see what kind of text I’d send bleheheh.

I have to work on being long-winded though. Kerouac trait! Humble brag fuck yourself! You troll me I troll you with making every sentence more braggarty than the last, assholes!

I really wanted one of the sheep. It’s his bday soon (before mine!) so I should have wtf idiot Lauren. I was like I have to stop buying things with big eyes, I am not four. You need to get people things of value and use not chotchkis depicting my big pupils. Jeez.


Intended for this post to be ten times more fun but I blew it oh well try again tomorrow. I am on stew duty anyway. Back to the vortex of bf xo. I had a really good juicy story. Blame the haters they seriously ruin everything. Goodnight. ps. these pants are huge on me now as are all others. Squeals with joy.

the more blog the more responsibility


I can’t even be bothered to feel guilty about it or like, compared to a mom “being tired” or a 9-5 working person tired I’m sorry but there are other categories and people of tired. There’s the accumulative tired, that’s what I got. I rebooked my screen test for next Tuesday because I knew sitting in Angie’s chair all damn day was going to make me look like a zombie and I already was danger-to-yourself tired: me. Too many late nights and early mornings.

I almost cut my hand open, wait, I did cut it, on a steak knife. My mom gets an assist in this one however because she left the dish washer open (family habit) while unloading it and of course I came flying in there, slipped and put my hand down directly on to it. Super close to an artery, one of those fat veins that you die from bleeding forever from.

It’s good I’m fine just a little stigmata. Then I cleaned the car off twice. I cleaned it a third time after Angie’s, now THAT was the cherry because it took 20 minutes because I had to scrape all the frozen ice rain. I told this to my bf and he’s like welcome to my life princess. Good arm work-out though and I remembered to fire my core a few times but then I was more concerned with surviving because cars kept turning in and we were parked on the road, it was after work time and hella traffic plus ice rain. The lights flickered on and off several times I was worried I’d be on air and a power outage would occur then laughed because who the fuck would be listening to the radio at a time like this about this?

But it all worked out. My mom refused to drive to my place and my hair took so long bf was already at home so looks like I was crashing with mom. We watched a very violent year and dear white people. The violent year movie did not grab us at all we were on our phones the entire time. (mom get wifi I can’t stand it anymore!!!)

Sooo the next day (today) we went to the hospital and you know fucking what? We had the best time!


That boutique they have is so awesome. Ha! Women.

Then I bumped into a girl I went to school with years ago and you know you have a choice to do the shy thing and ignore or proceed and open up. We both did a double take, recognized each other then I was like DANIJELA (she’s a Croat) and so we talked for ten mins. You don’t understand, so many of these kids I went to school with are such a part of my past, my history I can remember every second of and I haven’t seen in years.

One time she dumped my desk and all my shit out like a psycho! We looked the same too and teachers would yell LAUREN! at her and Danijela! at me. So many stories we were all fucking assholes but anyway, like me, she is still a confident loudmouth it was a very enjoyable reunion.

My mom also said some sweet stuff to me that made me cry. We had to put her Raybans on, no we were already wearing them (bifocal Raybans at that) cos too many feelings were happening. It’s hard to tell people you are close to that you love and appreciate them. I guess I never hear her say it but behind my back she brags about me to her friends. I think she was happy I came with her to her scary doctor’s appt which I felt bad about being bitter about missing out seeing my bf for. We’ve had conflicting schedules lately…

I think about life and death a lot and I think my mom does too and all the gurnies of sick people were going by. We are still mourning the loss of Papa, my Nana is on vacation and fell on her face in the airport my mom asked her not to die on this vacation. I got the message during Comedy Fest’s opening night from Aunt Lorraine then I looked across the church at my mom taking pictures (she’s a hired profesh photog now and was working the event) and I debated over whether or not I should make all the blood drain from her head by telling her this Nana drama. In the beginning stages of an accident, the first message out is always exceptionally alarmist in nature and if you happened to be drunk when you receive it game over! Bahaha. Not only are we high-stress anxious people we have been dealing with it for awhile. “There is just always something”.

This is what is exhausting me I’m also anxious about looking good right now more than anything. I don’t like to spend money so this grassroots DIY beautifying (dieting) regime I’ve been tackling for months also takes its toll. I worry about myself a lot because I can’t afford to fuck up and I don’t have time to waste anymore.

Obviously my mom isn’t keen on the Raymi the Minx machine but she isn’t stopping me. We got through my entire hair appt without telling Angie exactly what this hair transformation is for. She unfriended me on FB and we never discusssed why lol.

Do you love this post? Yeah I missed you too. I’m going to have a bawth now. Making steaks for bf and I tonight and watching Borgias cos we’re all caught up on Banshee.

irrelevant and inelegant

Say goodbye to this red a million times in this here blog post now, cos tomorrow it’s gonna be MIA. Going back to blond. Brown with blond highlights. To lift this red is going to be ridonkulous. Just before the weekend was told that they all discussed my hair and think I will look best brown/blond. It’s expensive and doesn’t happen over night I said.

Ch ch ch changes!

I am apprehensive about my hair frying. My colourist said to start stripping it today with head & shoulders plus club soda. I don’t have dandruff so it was embarrassing to buy that shit jk don’t care. The club soda and head&shoulders turns into a paste and also will soften my hair she said. Makes sense because all the dye build will be coming out. Will def have to get a trim too. This is exhausting to think about. We were so close this time to getting my screen test perfected. I feel like the more I delay and prolong it the more chances of jinxing fucking everythang. I’m on edge man!

Had smoked meat sandwiches last night. I wanted to buy him flowers for his retiring from vball but got these instead. Manipulating a bruh with food is ten times smarter. He will think I am a food provider and stick with me because if he sticks with me there is a distinct possibility of getting more sandwiches. Guys are complex but not really at all I am embracing my feminzai side more and more cos I yolo. Happens with age.

Speaking of it’s my birth month! At the end of March I’ll be 32. Last year was my champagne birthday, I turned 31 on the 31st. NOW turning 32 on the 31st… I can’t even. I do not identify as “older” so I won’t and will not be starting to anytime soon but like, lets be real, 32 looks like a HUGE number I think I am finally experiencing that getting older panic attack one experiences. Last year did I feel older, nope. 31 is young and cute. 32 is disgusting. Whatever. It will be my goal slowly over time to improve each part of myself that I hate. People tell me lately that I look great like it happened over night, um I wish. What you’re currently experiencing is a long con (jk) I mean, when my hair was shorter and thinner and fucked from being platinum I knew that I would look like how I look now, eventually. In like 3 fucking years. This is the fruits of my many labours because I have no more aces in my sleeves and no more phone-a-friends.

That sounded insanely desperate but I’m insanely honest.

My last post was pretty headcasey but so what it’s pleasure blogging. Some people really read into it though. I’ve acquired a lot of online friends over the years, naturally as most do. But sometimes they all pile up and demand my attention from all avenues and I get caught up, distracted, and I love the contact don’t get me wrong but I see myself as this high-functioning creative producing machine that should never be turned off so sometimes I just can’t talk to you, you just have to let me breathe.

Ok I’ll stop whining.

Bloggers are just (can be) very skittish. I’m like an open wound at all times if you think about it. There’s part of me that is very numb though otherwise I could never do any of this. I mean, I’m cognizant always but sometimes it’s in an on auto-pilot way which is very much dedicated to the undying pursuit of self-preservation. Like what am I even talking about here I’m such a fucking idiot. You love it though I think so the dance continues.

I went out Saturday dressed like an idiot. Jared was a zombie (after/during Boylord practise) so didn’t come out with me I made him drop me off and tried so hard to sell him on the action but nope. Solo mish it was. I feel like no one wants to go out when it’s cold, and don’t for the most part and the only people out there with you are totally insane people. Bored people. What did I get up to? No comment. I’ll just say that I love being anonymous out here and feeling anonymous even though I bump into randoms that I’ve already be-friended at some point or other out here you know what I mean. This one chick was like I don’t know anything about you, who are you? WHAT? When I was telling her briefly all this ridiculous shit about me. There’s just no point, you meet so many people, who sticks and who doesn’t. Wait to unload it all once you’re sure. That’s why I enjoy meeting people from online because they already know everything about me and can just enjoy spectating me IRL like a specimen, ooh look it’s talking now.

Being kinda flat (I’m not flat i just look it sometimes) and then wearing a big boob bra makes you mega-egocentric/self conscious cos you think everyone is looking at you ten times more but they’re not. They’re normal and used to boobs. You’re the only boob. Do you guys like that I am learning things finally? Enjoy it until I evolve into something else you despise. just wait til I’m 40 #scared.

Speaking of 40, this fucking 31 year old called me forty because her (girl)(as in female) friend had the hots for me but we nexted her. I heard her say it over the phone and said I’M 31 YOU FUCKING BITCH. But in my head I was like I’m 32 :(. It’s cool though it’s totally normal for younger ordinary chicks to make age cracks because they’re competitive and cannot compete with older cool chicks. Do younger chicks attack Kate Moss’ age if they lose to Kate Moss, of course not they go, it was fucking Kate Moss duh. Some people just get chosen and some do not and people fight the battle when the war is already won peeeeeeace.

fml lol.

The beast just needed to be unleashed what can I say.

I bought that sweater when I was 19 I have no idea why it is still here it’s a belly top my arms are cold but my stomach’s not.

Ab work is never done.

Boylording around.

Yeah I’m happy to add blond to my hair come to think of it.

I will miss my view.

I am cutting this shorter because I rambled on for too long. Blogging is way too indulgent for a Monday!

Check ya later!