Pockets full of stones

Hey guys. I just dumped mystery camera on to my computer. Groov-ay. Shockingingly, it only contains pictures of your hero in her living room. Nah there were others but I wanted to keep it less you more me.

Aren’t all biker babes just a little morose? It’s a tough and rough life I imagine. Maybe I will write biker fiction. Or maybe I will take my bicycle and get it tuned for the season. Yes, we’ll start there.

Moi? Pourquois?

Sometimes “when I get made fun of” or “criticized” one thing people say is I don’t have any talent. Oh really. So my only talent is getting dressed up staying bot-like putting on makeup (yes these are talents believe it or not as a 29 year old woman IMO) and taking pictures for my blog (that people can’t stop staring at) really Hal? What do YOU look like nowadays bro? How are book sales? Ha ha this is a retort like only three years later to Shulgan’s piece on me in the G&M. I blushed when Surane brought it up during our interview because, well, nevermind, but the die-hards will definitely be wanting to see that interview.

I am leader of the opposition how is that not talent? I can do this pose with my hands on my hips how is that not talent? Just kidding I know that’s not talent. That dog loves me. Talent. We are getting a cable casing/hiding thinger for back there so, more talent.

This bib is by 3F. Always have one white thing in your wardrobe in case you have to go to the Hampton’s/make people think you are from there. I will settle for a teeny dilapidated cottage on Toronto Island. Or a raft floating in Lake Ontario tied to a dock at Sunnyside. See how we lower our standards as we get older kids don’t do that. Just kidding “I am living the dream” in the big city so I’ll go eat my cheese and whine elsewhere.

My ass was kind of extremely obscene on King street and these pants are so tight they rearrange my internal organs and I get cramps like what am I on my period again?? But anyway, BUTT anyway, my ass is not this flat it’s the pants and even if it were this flat it’s still pretty boss, bro. I am body proud for the parts of my body that are still perky. I might luck out with an ageless body. Might look cool on the outside but the inside is full of pizza and bad decisions. I am taking the dog for a run today and my bike to the bike store and then I’ll do some weights. If you were wondering my exercise routine for looking this blammin’ it’s every other day plus Raymi dance aerobics.

I only wore this shirt for the video and pics, once it gets a stain on it I. will. just. die.

Also on my stress plate is doing stand up again. I have a professional comedian guy helping me, actually a few but what I am holding back from telling them is I am not a pro, yet, at all. So I am going to base my act around that, make fun of blogging and just generally be an ANGRY WHITE WOMAN. Yeah?

Be-cause, that is essentially what I am right? Or should I play up the sad portion more? Lots of guy comics do that too and pretty much every single comic since forever suffers from massive depression that we hide in jokes and stories and zany antics.

SO I am going to go out on the town tonight to get inspired aka drunk aka that’s how you start writing comedy by standing around a bar with your friends and make fun of everyone and thing maybe get in a fight then go home and go through the coverage on your phone or camera, texts from people from the night before, stories, tweets oh god WHAT HAVE I FUCKING DONE??? relax bro you were “working”. Oh right. Totally.

Then tomorrow night I have another mission to accomplish that I probably should not mention but whatever this is my lot care I choose to accept it. Did I say that wrong? Good.

I got the bib waterfall shirts all in xs. See how you have to be cautious when you do the hidey billowy maternity A-line is it a shirt? Is is a dress? thing? They ARE teeny tiny and the thing I like about this brand is that the sizes are a bit bigger than say what AA would do with their stuff, the sizes are actually smaller, more petite so when you’re not small enough to rock ‘em you want to commit suicide because you’re an unfit blob. We’ve all been there.

I have major body dysmorphia. Lois texts me when she’s out shopping (such a sweetheart!) and sends photos and asks my size and I always say bigger than what I am because I still have that mentality and I seldom shop for bottoms because I don’t like being disappointed and I find in life you can limit disappointment by inaction. I am writing my own religion for depressives. Anyway, the moral of the story is even IF you think you’re bigger always get smaller because 1. it will give and 2. you will look smaller. When I was chubs a couple summers ago I would torture myself biking to the gym across town in a bikini to to punish myself for being fat. I got tanned and I got tinier this way. I made the city of Toronto look at me and I didn’t care because I was gunning so fast I was already gone by the time anything could sink in. But now it seems the opposite. When actually skinnier, but feeling fat, you pile on layers to hide from the world. Ugh girls are so fucked up thanks magazines and men!

FTS It’s Wednesday and sunny!