Why do people like me?

First of all you may be thinking, “They don’t Raymi!” Not true at all. They think, or, you think they don’t or people think that they don’t but they do, the end. You’re welcome for clearing that up now we can move on to the rest of this “thinking piece”.

I texted to myself this important question (that I didn’t write the answer to) last night amidst a conversation starring how everyone else is full of shit and I’m not.

But why do you think people give a shit about me? Blog question to ask them then answer for them. Yes this is how it is done in the big leagues. Those entire first two typo-free sentences verbatim is what I sent myself. Merkley sends himself drunk texts all the time as note to selfs, all the smartest cynics I know do that.

What I meant by that was at the end of the day people are actually coming to my blog, still, after all these years, but why? And all of my peers, why do I have a higher ranked blog than they do despite all their wheel spinning and twitter farming (cheating) and what have you, I still kill their internet-positioning and have for oodles of time and I’m not saying that to rub it in their noses at all it’s just a fact that supports my argument, the argument that people do give a shit about my life and even I scratch my head about that as my anxiety mounts every time I turn on my computer and see how many people there are out there on the webs showcasing their lives in their own creative ways on tumblr twitter blogs and that number seems to grow daily and then I start to panic. This blogging stress eats at me more than anything, more than “the haters” or “the competition”, it’s a daily dose of drama. Needed a d-word. It’s toxic for sure but, because I am the way that I am (I told my mother on the drive back from Niagara) is why I am the best, figuratively speaking. It’s shitty and I know it that I am going to feel like shit every day until I die. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my blog and all this pressure to excel or getting to the next level makes me want to vom.

Last night my friend was going on and on about, I don’t even want to say “the scene”, because it was more than that but as we were all giving our two cents and opinions, gossip, every minute or so I go OKAY ENOUGH because it’s so stressful for me but then we fall back in to it and it just goes that way again and then I am like no seriously I mean it we can’t talk about this any more. It makes me say retarded and boastful things and text myself stupid things like But why do you think people give a shit about me? at 12:05am.

With the change of seasons I always seem to fall in to a bit of a funk. I think everyone is suffering equally, stressed out, unhappy, poor, or other. But then I walk around my neighbourhood and see all these yuppies and I think about living the dream and of course I compare myself to every one I pass and I think if I went back in time and never blogged and became an office drone frowning in flats would I like that life much more instead? I’d have more money and eventually a baby and we’d all be frowning un-originally unhappily together forever. I don’t think I am the only girl who thinks this way, right? It’s normal right? I’m sorry to break it to you but your hero is a real person, le gasp!

I totally forgot what I was about to say, for the past hour I puttered around the internet, had more coffee, sat in the sun, fucked around with Stella, colleague came by, gossiped about a craymail I got last night from an old friend, other crap. Mostly twitter, that is a time sucker indeed. So is the view out of this window and I lied earlier when I said I sat out in the sun I don’t know why I did that I wanted to look more productive. I’m as pale as a ghost I need to get out there and will. I think you can get sun even if it’s 3pm? Though by one is most desirable typically and when the sun is hottest. I wonder if it’s still cold in Vancouver.

Anyway, sometimes I want to blow up my blog. It’s a safety net for sure and I can’t tell if its been holding me back my entire adult life or not. I know I need a fire lit under my ass that’s for sure, I am lazy or I am crazy, or a bit of both. How many geniuses do you know who piss away their lives and talent? Oh there are tons. It’s ok I am fine I think this is just a classic late twenties life crisis. It’s funny the little things that actually help me get through all of this, nice things I remember that are said to me as motivation. At the 90’s reunion party everyone was so proud of me I was really bowled over by it and some of the things I heard really meant a lot holy gayballs! Ok anyway Adrian said that at 30 he thinks that’s when everything is going to take off or change I can’t remember exactly what he said everyone was shitskrieged it was a good cray old time but just in saying that one little thing I almost felt set free it was incredible I bet he is reading this too hi dude, now I am embarrassed.

As we age we beat ourselves up too much, way too much. I know that I am going to get an agist attack every fucking day for forever now and I do, I actually do and it’s stupid because I still look pretty fucking good I will admit that now and I will dog all of you in the process to prove my point because that is one of my life duties: proving points it is stupid but that is what we call “blogging” and everybody does it.

I am not going to apologize for being this, for sharing my life in a manipulative fashion and duping you in to thinking that I am more awesome than awesome. I have tried for 11 years to prove “I am awesome” and it doesn’t mean you can’t be awesome too or my awesome over-shadows yours because this blog has nothing to do with you I just like to type a lot I started very young and I always wrote and read. In the beginning there was only ever blogging. I think I liked the good old days when no one was around, there weren’t comments, people had to email you what they thought and I was really good at pissing people off and getting lots of hate mail, but I got more love mail way more and I definitely still do. Things like “trolls” exist now, the internet has something for everyone and you can be internet famous in so many capacities everybody is doing it and that is awesome to make money solely based on your creativity and independently at that. You are an ignoramus if you haven’t made money off the internet in some shape or form, that’s just my extremely biased, made from scratch original gangster opinion of course. *dusts shoulders off*. Hey man we’re just all trying to make our way here right.

So in summation of this confusing wtf post, why do people like me? Maybe because I give them hope or show that “you can do it” maybe they can learn to like themselves like I pretend to like myself everyday for my blog and for you. It’s never been for blog really, it’s always for people. It’s a popularity contest a little bit but I’m the good guy. I do like you, we email, you mail me care packages, I built my brand off of all my Little Raymi pen pals. You guys have actually helped my career, by me being relatively likeable and feeding off other people’s emotions and thinking their adorablah Raymi pet cares (and she does!) is the fuel that keeps raymitheminx.com a chugging. You are my community, my network, my influencers and looking glass. So thank you guys for sticking by me and around and being my friends you are wicked and I too have enjoyed watching your lives back, watching you grow, get hotter, get married and make babies. I’m flattered when you reach out to me, for advice and consoling. FOR YEARS AND YEARS O_o!

I said to Teacher yesterday that if this is as good as it gets then it’s pretty good.

Until the next big catastrophe.

But I said “goddamn good” in case I didn’t seem grateful enough or the mood didn’t adequately translate.

Enough of this though lets have a good old fashion Craymi picture post until I run out of steam. I just sent myself a bunch of pictures. Or maybe I should make that a separate post. Okay I will. Thanks guys and always remember to blog it like you’re hot.

xo Raymbo.

Change of plans: it’s tan o’clock.