Raymes Lemon

The top of my hair is light purple that fades into ice platinum ash. I kept my eyebrows dark. What a freak. Cunning. People might laugh at my jokes if they like me more and they will like me more if I am dressed like I eat whole wheat cookies and have an Etsy store. Zing!

Me and my best friend gingerale here, it is a good booze substitute and makes you skinny. The rest of this joke you will have to experience in person, I lose too many clients when I go too vulgar. It’s not me, it’s you!

My biggest fear and dream is coming true tonight! I’m doing stand up comedy. I have a book filled with “jokes” and hopefully I don’t choke. I’m doing my best to under-sell it cos I hope it’s only my comedy clique friends in attendance and I plan to get wicked skunked who knows what laundry I’ll air! I have been planning to do this for years and years and years and was told years and years ago that your first show is a complete write off anyway. I consider myself a funny motherfucker so, if I tank, IT WILL BE HARD. If all else fails I will just take my clothes off.

Starts at 9. Cherry Colas. Please don’t come.

Now I am rehearsing for my Valentine’s Burlesque show. Starting this one early it’s going to be a swank gala affair.

Do something that terrifies you weekly. Speaking of that, this is the calm before the pre-MTV storm that airs next Tuesday. They posted my profile and an abhorrent tweet of all my abhorrent tweets. Look beneath the video box, I am officially being Creeped now.

RAYMI

Status Update: “I look like I have a prosthetic 6 month preg stomach full of Chinese food and like 18 pops. hot. an alien is sucking up my nutrients.”

Employers: Raymitheminx.com, CEO

Relationship Status: N/A

Facebook Name: Raymi Lauren White

Facebook Friends: 2346

Twitter Followers: 3,206

Twitter Handle: @raymitheminx

NICE KNOWING YOU BEFORE MY LIFE WAS RUINED! Guys it’s been a time!

Back to my vodka SOUP.