Stella took me for a walk cos she was going cuckoo over all this judgment from the cats and it was making her stir crazy and like, they don’t know her man! If she wants to laze around all goddamn day and talk about herself then that’s her choice and every right. So, we hit the road. Also mommy was out of coffee.

Prepare for battle.

Stella sensed this was going to be a longer walk than just the typical sprint around the park, which it was going to be initially til I got outside and realized how humid it was. I brought my umbrella and it only started down-pouring once we were on the last sidewalk stretch home.

I saw her butt pucker and knew it was time for the magic to happen.

Haha yuppies, I didn’t clean up after her cos I noticed a HUGE GIANT PILE beside her so out of spite I left it be. She went again on Queen street and I picked it up cos there were witnesses. A lot of dog people do not pick up after their dogs I think it is kind of like picking your nose ahaha I dunno, I don’t care and if you have a problem with it, bleh. I pick her shit up more than I don’t it’s just once in awhile who cares, winter is here.

At least I admitted it. Oooh those nails. Fierce.

See how I can’t walk in a straight line to the Gladstoner? when we are degenerates late for brunch we have to drag and walk each other over like total babies in gale force winds that swoop this street, walk in the opposite direction of the gladstone and then back again. It’s not long but when you like shortcuts and can see it RIGHT THERE and you are starving your balls off and totally hung and yeah, lazy sloth problems. It makes that breakfast english muffin that much more delicious though. Oh and half my friends can never remember how to get to where we live cos they usually come over pisswasted at 2 in the morning by trolley car cab drunk vortex who even knows and when they leave are like, where am I?

Condos sprouting up all around us. I like this one it’s so sleek and green and empty-looking. People who live in condos are usually not standing in the windows of them for some reason. Out working, paying off those mortgages or something.

I looked stupid and I could barely see and I got stared at a lot cos of the camera around my neck or because I looked like I was incogneato. Did you like my pun? I thought that up when I was under the Duff bridge.

I have to kind of drag her at this point because she does not like to leave the yuppie bubble. Peopl with dogs get stared at extra because you are two moving somethings coming down the street and I’m normally a stared-at object anyway because, just because okay, and then Stella sprints off terrified and neurotic cos I am the only one who walks her (on these longer excursions) and I have no idea how to even take care of myself and am not a dog person so we are a walking spectacle of stupid. It is a nice life.

Sometimes I have to pretend to be blind to get out of trouble with her. I always force walk ourselves in to places we shouldn’t be and she cannot relax. This corner of Dufferin and Queen is in particuar, hell. There is no room on the sidewalk, and if I am coming back from that side of Parkdale oh you can for-fuckinget anyone giving a shit about me and my poor dog on the sidewalk. It can get scary. No one moves out of my way if I am walking up that hill because they are at the front of the bus line and HATING LIFE. The Sufferin bus is called that for a reason. So I have to walk on to the road and dodge possible bikes and cars swerving to and fro because civilians will not move for me. Should I write a letter to the Mayor? Hi Rob, remember me? You did tell me to drop by City Hall at some point/ anytime.

Ha.

We keep our cool and let them see us for a bit, then we go fuck this and part our way through politely.

Some people are afraid of dogs, I think we look pretty friendly.

Stella is more afraid of them. Out of that clustery intersection she gets a bit better.

But mostly not really, she speeds up and we walk at a good marchy clip. Lots of people smile at her, we clothesline them, they still smile. Everybody just wants to interact in the isolating city I think and a dog is a connector, a pipeline to making that happen and I see that people appreciate it, even when we strangle them with her leash and shit in their storefront plant beds. Stella & Raymi 2011 FTW! Do you think this would make his ex-wife insane?

Someone has to walk her and give her love. Someone said that I was selfish. Pfft. Dogwalkers get paid. I pick up her shit for free. That is love. If teacher is with me I do not pick it up. I stand there and make funny commentary while he does.

Almost there. Today we are walking to Starbucks at Dovercourt because we didn’t feel like going to Liberty Village. We talked it over and decided it would be simpler to just walk to Dovercourt. We also have to remind ourselves to write to Tassimo and suck up for more inserts so that we don’t have to go on another coffee dog walk again for a few weeks.

What?

My Durex ad was filmed in/up there, third floor left window, it looks out to the bridge and the Go train going by and car alarms messed with filming, well, temporarily paused it. That ad is still playing all over the webs.

Those are the funniest unsafest looking cars ever. No thanks. Maybe once to film it and make fun of it and get baked and be like woah a bubble that is moving but then it would go horribly instantly awry cos I’d have an anxiety attack from the enclosed space and scared from the teeniness. Don’t you agree?

Ok lets get through these it’s dark now and I am hungry.

What is the name of this bar?

I like their decorative junk.

There were lipstick lesbos in the window so then I sang that out loud lesbeeeee-ins, in tha win-doe! Well on my way home I did cos they were still there. I had a skip in my step cos the fresh air did me some good brain mojo. The dog was soaked and muddy.

And hating absolutely all of this. She’s gotten chubbier ever since Jenny told me she was too skinny and I stopped running with her to the park so that’s double bad. I don’t care if you hate this lazy ass you are a dog and dogs walk and if the dog whisperer were here he’d whisper all kinds of crazy.

Nice work.

Stella is too cool for the Beac.

Oh the stories out of this place. Every loveable degenerate louse friend of mine has a funny anecdote about The Beaconsfield I think it will be a holiday tradition at least at one point to get trashed here as friends I don’t want to know my name anymore that’s how trashed. Effective signage Beacsters.

Too cool for here too but I have trained Stella to slow her roll when we jog by to check and be checked out by smooth patio criminals when it’s patio season.

Interesting and good to know.

Sometimes she is a little reindeer, cow coloured reindeer. She gets spottier in the winter Teacher said. Ok sure whatever.

Not today Stella I can’t tie you up without it being a big deal, we are going out for coffee and that only. I have done ZERO Christmas shopping. Teach is late so I bet he is buying me a present right now.

She went again. I picked it up this time.

Everything is cool Stella. She made my umbrella knock my coffee all over the place as I untied her and I am pretty sure the starbucks nerds were making fun of me. Once again my many public displays of humiliation courtesy of Stella.

Ahh everything is normal again. A dude I have seen twice out the window doing his laundry passed me in front of 69 vintage and we smiled at each other. I have a street crush on him. He was walking with a crazy person though so it didn’t seem like a good time to talk not that I would. He looked like a hipster in the scene that I am not a part of and his pants are too high, and then I wrote a tweet inspired by his flood pants, which I think are perfect. I also spelt problems wrong in that hashtag and I left it so that my haters can be delighted.

I wished I could capture my reflection better because this conceited walk is half about me too, it’s not the Stella show all the time.

I’ve never drunk in this bar. I went on a date with the guy who does or did their karaoke though. I can’t handle moustaches that aren’t attached to beards, he looked like a hipster John Leguizamo devil. We were equally disinterested in one another.

LOVE pastel rainbow colours. I spelt that Raymbo by mistake.

Creepy, dirty, dusty, uninspired.

I will be the judge of that. I think that’s Nunu’s sister who runs this ethiopian joint.

I looked like an Amish billy goat gruff wizard ahh cool. I like being a reject.

Almost home dude. That handful of dog food I give you will taste extra delicious.

The new Duff bridge is very european and a major RIDE trap. The skate park pipes beside it is pretty neat and nice of the city to do that.

I don’t want to know what goes on in there.

Someone got towelled off and the fire flipped on who’s a goofy stooge. I hope she doesn’t barf this year everyone overfeeds her cos she does stupid eyes on them and my nana could not stop giving her food and I know that I sure as hell will be binge eating my face off. Merry Christmas everyone I am going to be violently ill now. Avoid turkey skin, which, I can’t.

I had eyebag potion on beneath my glasses the whole time and no you can’t see it.

I better write a christmas list. Or figure out the ultimate store to get everyone gift certificates from and soon.

And vacuum that glitter up. Bechnique wants to hang tonight.

Which means tomorrow will be a write off. It’s ok a lot of stuff is popping up and it’s good to chill when I can. Not that I do. My blog will be revamped soon I am excited for that! Talked to Bryan about it today on the phone.

Ok princess dirtbag time now bye bye!