“I don’t think,” then you shouldn’t talk, said the Hatter.”

“I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s adventures in Wonderland: Through the looking glass. My aunt gave me all of the proper volumes of these books when I was young, and Madeline. NOSTALGIA.

NICE!

I ate two cheesecake pops. I eat like a pig I swear and I dance a lot and am hyper-active and totally busy everyday, stressed of course, so my metabolism is churning like bananas, stop telling me to eat poutine! Because I am like 4 times weekly no lie and it’s not that “other stuff” either so get that idea out of your head. I’m focused and driven and I restrict though, as equal parts as I am slothenly, I believe in a good life balance of all things evil and good. I am also totally bananas too, of course.

None of these will be in sequence because for the fifteen billionth time, my mom blasts her shots on facebook and I download them, that is our technology-exchange hangover dance I get assaulted with each Friday after a good coug crawl shit show piss up. We’re like the Kardashians but better. That’s what I said to my mom’s new best friend the guy with pink hair that Julio thinks isn’t the real Jeffree Starr, I dunno, I live in a PeeWee’s placehouse Dirty Jobs surreality time space continuum and it seems the freakier I get the freakier everyone else seems or it’s the lifestyle, guys, am I the chicken or the egg? Bok. SEE!

Fab right? My mom took 3445 pictures of them. I think they may show to my burlesque party on Saturday night at The Bovine. Who is coming? It’s going to be redonkulous. 9PM BOVINE 542 Queen Street West. HAUNTED HAREM BURLESCAPADE!

RSVP to ensure you’ll get in. Tomorrow may get cray-zay. It feels like NYE to me I dunno why?

Who wants to play chess with me some day? PAWNS!

I went as hipster Alice. That red shrug thing I bought in the hospital when I was visiting my nana and then I bought her an entire outfit to wear around hospital town (it was over holidays) and she said oooh you’re doing very well. She’s from Manchester and a total cheapskate, ha, some guy and I were stereotyping every british division recently and I go yeah well my nana is so cheap she made a christmas announcement for all the older cousins (my brother, cousin jeremy and I) that we were no longer getting presents ever again AHHAhaha like as we were opening our LAST presents gaha It’s ok they’re pensioners.

They called us media darlings. There’s social media darlings too. My venn diagram would have both overlapping and then in the middle a demon seed, capital ME. The week is getting to me so everything is funny and amusing at the moment, this blog will post will benefit.

Accidentally Bridget Jones’d them (the scene when she shows up in a bunny costume and her dad a priest) my mom was intent on her cop outfit (she is a 3 trick pony, it’s always cat ears or cop, seriously?) and I knew it was optional which in Toronto to-do society means boring smart expensive dresses and some pieces of flare which is why I let it happen and showed up myself like Cabbage Patch Braveheart.

Hi-jacked tweet wall with drunk tweets cos they kept cycle-rotating and I have never ever seen a tweet or any thing of mine on a board ever, I know right?

Jennifer is amazing, she treated us like queens, total VIPLEASE :).

Trying to find that headband of mine in this dump was what made me late plus re-cooperating from harth fest and tomorrow is Haunted Harem and today I walked on the cn tower. Sunday I fly to Jupiter.

Mom you have to wear that hat precisely like I taught otherwise you look stupid.

My girls terrified him off, well, maybe spellbound him a little, he came over and Lois goes We’re leaving soon thinking he was security then my mom fired 30 questions at him and I go yeah, that’s future me right now ahaha. We always collect party groupies and look at me I’m a flippin’ collectable doll representing some mysterious and unidentifiable nation, beer goggle kryptonite.

Classic horribly unflattering dances with Lois photo, we are getting good at this except this time at the hoxton and not at Emma’s Back Porch and it’s Sean instead of Philip. There are man cougs in our den too did you know? BTW they’re not actual cougs ok, the term has eclipsed its original meaning, it just means elder gals who still kick it. I went to Ultra once (and only once) and was gobsmacked by the geezers in there, and doing cocaine too, talking 60+ Yorkville/Forest Hill dripping in money I was like HAAAAAaaaay! I’ll find that post review. Getting in alone was difficult enough and I was also dressed like a complete sweaty idiot of course. I’ll write a poor girl’s guide to being an elitist someday.

Air keyboards!

Haven’t worn these shoes in ages, one sole is split halfway, when I was a server I wore them a lot. Had a good wipeout once with a pint in each hand and WHAMMO on some water I was going mach ten and neither pint spilled entirely BONUS the drummer smashed the cymbal for me as a “nice one”. LEGEND.

Charise can I get their contact? We were in a party vortex in the end, I gave them my car but you know how it goes.

Oh mom. Well, the thing with people investing in people who have websites or sponsor them rather I was told by a big wig dude that, there is a thing about “might get hit by a bus” clause which can also be applied to genetics. You could invest in my “brand” because I will have no cellulite ever in life, you will be long dead before that happens. My traffic is very high for a Friday and I didn’t even dance or show my tits. Next week I’m filming something for a sexy client I am so stoked, they ran in to me on Nuit Blanche and LOVED me on camera. This photo actually is amazing, I took it, the smoke, the fishnets, and the bodies moving beyond it is very retro homecoming dance.

Cheesecake tree adorable. everything was adorable, sophisticated and classic.

I love when my mom plays victim like this in front of strangers which instigates a fight thus proving my alleged horribleness meanwhile she’s pinching me under the table, spitting in my face (twice) at the keg (drunk/playful/too far) um, sixteen million other things, being a mom you know? I love her blabbity blah but it’s like hanging out with myself who is ten times more ADHD and zero filter, plus meaner. Mom you’re a bully!

But then true to form she’s also a very effective queen bee and gets people like these in her hive, and I would be just far too shy. She’s clueless too, I forget the pink haired guy’s name I spied him at Circa’s (RIP) opening night once and put him on my blog, but anyway, which one is Stephen cos that’s the guy that emailed me. I love this. Julio died when he saw these and how clueless Tracey the Minx is in a slutty cop costume, I knew this would happen I am machiavellian like that. I LOVE that they are fixing their hair at the same time here. Thanks for finding me my future soul mates mom!

I am being hit on here. Chillax nothing happened. He was a pup. Still got it! Oh and we were party Debbies because 1. open bar 2. I didn’t leave the house all day til quarter to midnight because I am a nocturnal lazy ass blogger, duh. 3. and my mom and lois hate going back to their boring suburban lives and we like to give’r. Mom can I blab the secret about the parking lot garage um, happenings? LOL. Omg teacher says I was black out loaded and slurring I totally lied about how many drinks I had and when I stopped to like, everyone today. Including my taxi driver. HAhahaha. I live in a fucking cartoon I know right? Socks are purposely uneven because that’s what Alice would do.

His aunt and Uncle so we weren’t the very last party revellers. I admired her pants earlier on. I love rich people because they wear pants like Eddy Murphy’s Delirious. See. And don’t give a fuh-uh-!

With Charise addition this is so YMCA.

Took me a little bit to get that Lois’ dress was actually legit Queen of hearts barmaidy. I love halloween because it’s the Barbie of slutty outfits.

Guess what guys, Lois is eligible. You have to be screened by Tracey and I though. Keep refreshing as you enjoy this hangover of the fabulous I have about 30 more to add, it’s Fridate blog date with the Minx!

… anne, bad look for you #fireball13 but i relate cos when my eyebrows are @bd_haircare tinted my face looks weird.

Omg I could just scream if my mom gets more gay besties than me. That’s it we are in a fight now. That’s how socialites talk, sorry, tawlk. Lol. Omg I want to be in an F Scott Fitzgerald movie right now. So posh.

OOOH if i wear eyelashes beneath my eyes it will cover my eye bags. Genius.

I like night’s end when the dance floor is clear a bit and you get every song you want played and there’s like a half hour window when you know that you are entitled to do anything you want and the security can’t help but stare at everything you do so then everything becomes brattier but you can’t help yourselves? Times that by 365 days and you have my life I guess.

They arrived before me and my mom called, hissed that all these very nice well dressed people were coming out NOT in costume and they were standing on the corner like floozies bahhaha BURN so I said phewf no way I am wearing “that clown suit” my disney raggedy anne slutty get-up. Also, if I am going to go out the night after an event (that of my own grand spectacle not to mention) I need to seclude myself in my sanctuary chambers all day long and do nothing, be undisturbed in order to conjure up the energy again, if I’m to go out at all. But I was no doubt disturbed all day long (ha don’t even, too easy) so I had to severely fight through the malaise and wont to loaf but Sheena’s Place is a great cause and if I had to party in the name of charity then goddammit I will.

Lois bought a print for charity, I told her to put it up at her restaurant. Her father brought pizza to Canada you know, Hamilton. Her restaurant is a fixture.

Julio and I are in a skeletal race, which is why I shove my arms behind him and Sabrina. Sab is a hot and sought socialite, I likey. Omg Sabzpr I just figured it out lol. I need to go to PR school.

They emailed me before I even went out, my mom made that much of an impression and chatted me up. Apparently behind my back she is super proud of me and talks me up all the time why can’t I be a fly on the wall for those conversational beat-downs instead of all the annoying nagging that I get? Mom tell me their names! They’re in my email I bet but I am afraid to open it cos there’s too many.

Nice photoshop skills mom.

Did you have a good time Sean?

We’re like the Kardashians but better.

I like my mom’s camera cos the flash makes everyone look like a four year old. See the flamingo up there? nice touch. I could reach one on the dance floor and showed off my new party skill to 2 people who barely cared. #FTW!

Mom what unsightly thing did you crop out cos this is a weirdly shaped image?

Wait so this isn’t the Hooker ball?

Hey mom their dress print is like our old couch no wonder you loved them.

That kilt makes me look like a blob. I bought it during a burlesque rehearsal break in kensington market last summer, two summer’s ago last summer (time flies) and then I never wore it.

Luhhhhv them.

Them too. Oh boy.

K it’s done kay thanks bye TGIF!