Was it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Probably. Travis lyric. You know I partied with them backstage once? Ghomeshi was there too. That was the beginning of him hating me. Radmad and I were in proper form.
Anyway here I am at the age of seventeen on Easter weekend on the BK bridge, visiting my secret older boyfriend and sussing out my future playground. That was an interesting hair period. Also, you may notice the WTC. True I lived there when shit went down, you’ll know that if you’ve been following along. I was blogging then too. (a post from the day before).
Now, it occurs to me that the anniversary of this event is approaching and, embarrassingly, or more appropriately, terrifyingly, the date does affect me. I have been pulverized in thread forums and ridiculed for my ptsd, been bullied into not speaking up about it. I am happy personally that last year was all good, the one before it no, the one before that god no. I received a death threat on one anniversary that gutted me, it was awful, I barfed three times and had to bail on my own event. People were coming, it was a nightmare.
A good friend Sean Ward said to never ever read comments leading up to an event. I pretty much fail in that department. Another blogger has a google alert on her name. I don’t do that, so glad I don’t oh man.
Alright so, I did go cuckoo bananas at one point in time. It is embarrassing to talk about but I am grateful to my family oh so much for being supportive during that time and knowing how to poke fun of it with me despite how painful it really was. My brother is really good at that I love him so much.
My therapist and I talk about it. I am a functioning, capable woman(child ahha) with none too many headcase problems. I am a workhorse hyper-career achieving focused freak though. Screwing up is not an option for me essentially so I can be let loose.
Because of my high-functioning stress levels and I guess, mania, and legitimate stressful events that I keep my head down and just motor through, that stress has the ability to come out in other ways. If I don’t sleep, that’s how it can begin, combined and due to possibly something or a number of things that stress me out, which can bring on an anxiety attack, which I can manage and talk myself out of.
But then, I think about my big mouth, my blog, and get paranoid. Combo of the coincidence of 9/11 and having a personal fear/sensitivity and on the regular paranoia in general sometimes, I dunno, something in my brain is permanently damaged, a screw is loose, unhinged thanks to this little amazing event and my territory online.
Ok I will just spit it out.
After the first plane hit, which I heard, and by the time we got up to the roof black fighter jets were zooming overhead like something out of transformers gi joe and face off, remember, the pentagon was hit too and another plane went missing, we didn’t dream this up. It was magnificent and later suffering ptsd from this moment, gruesome. You think regular people with healthy obsessions regarding war, conspiracy theories… I was not keen on paying attention to anything period. We were sickened by it. For days, which turned into weeks. I lived there for well after. I have stories.
The Air Show, hearing airplanes like that, it makes me feel like I am on the drop zone going down down down doown terribly down your stomach keeps dropping below you taken away from you. I felt this just recently on a less high version of it at the CNE and was morbidly fascinated by going on it over and over and over again with my brother, despite the terror practically puking up out of my throat.
The thing with the air show is it happens every year before 9/11 So I get to be terrified for three weeks. Three fucking weeks I suppress it. It has ruined my life on so many occasions outside of the anniversary though too.
Recently I saw a photo of the falling man. I shouldn’t have looked at it cos it’s that shit that sets me off, but I did and partially glad cos it made me realize there are others like me out there, somehow affected like this. The photographer of that shot for instance. They interviewed him about it. I don’t like to share these details because it’s super exploitation-feeling. He said he saw hundreds that day and captured them. When I hear about people jumping from buildings I have to know every detail about it even though it repulses me.
My number one pet peeve supreme is people wasted at parties at 3 in the morning trying to scream conspiracy theories at me, I tell them to 1. shut the f- up and 2. I do not give a f- which makes them CONTINUE. It never ends well, I end up from dusk til dawning them into regretting their poor etiquette and insensitivities like that. Quite the spectacle!
Blah sorry to bum you out. I now make a point to say nothing on the day of or near to it cos it freaks me out and it never won’t, I also can’t partake or be expected to be reliable for any sort of function either.
Ok I feel better now. I pretty much cried my way through writing this. Oh women!
You can see the Towers behind me in this picture in the distance. They look further than what actually were/felt at time.
Sigh. Anxiety is a bitch.
Been there, am there, will forever be there. As for the remaining days of the year, may they be filled with good things
Thanks for writing this!
Kat
thanks for being so open.
the air show bit reminds me of how a girl I know who used to work with people who immigrated to Canada. she said a lot of them had such terrible PTSD, that they had to do some severe prep before the local air show so they wouldn’t think there was some really, really bad shit about to go down. I always forget about that kind of stuff.
hugs.
Dear Lauren Raymi Minx,
Thank you for continuing to always pour your heart out and always be yourself.
You inspire and live and breathe and are lovely and gorgeous all in the same breath.
Thank you love!
xoxoxo, D
Man, I don’t even know what to say about this one. I can’t even imagine how you felt, and how you continue to feel…
Much love sister.
you did the man thing before GaGa
I almost fainted when you got off the plane from England with your hair chopped off
thanks
Still amazes me how much you’ve done and seen in your young life. I didn’t know you partied with Travis. I like Travis, but Geo doesn’t, because when he was a teenager working as a bellhop in a hotel in Dublin, he was made to wear a severely ill-fitting uniform, that was too short in the leg and to wide in the waist, with an equally stupid jacket. Every day, as he stood in the Reception hall, he was forced to listen to “Why Does It Always Rain On Me” over and over again on the only cd the hotel apparently had.
Geo once told one of the guys from Westlife to fuck off anfd refused to carry his bag while he was working that job. I don’t know which one because I couldn’t give two shits about Brits’ fascination with boybands let’s say it was the one who became a divorced alcoholic, to cover all our bases.
Keep on being the Jewel of Toronto, Raymi <3
poor george hahaha miss you rhonda
Toughen up, you baby. Of course 9/11 is all about Raymi in Raymi’s little demented world.
COOL STORY DOUCHEBAG
You see yes in my world and that of everyone’s lives that I touch, it fucking is.
Once a year I have every right to tell MY story about it what the hell were you doing that day? Nothing about my world is or ever will be little.
Try having something scary ingrained in you like an end-of-days plague and see how you like it.
A tragic event happened in a city you happened to be living in and you are still traumatized? Yawn. If you’re life is so much ‘wickeder’, I think you would have moved on at this point.
do you think i live everyday going 9/11 9/11? With this anniversary in EVERYONE’S faces the past week leading up to it, it’s called being topical and oh my! coincidental that I was THERE at the time and gee, what’s this a blog? And I tell stories on it? and sometimes those stories involve current events? OMG STEVEN HAWKINS maybe i should blog about MY ten years ago experience for everyone to read, what an idea! Moved on from my life about my life what? You are a fucking moron, stop reading my blog, anonymous people are irrelevant and the fact you feel the desire to “burn” me about NINE ELEVEN speaks volumes to your horrible character and nature as a human on this sad Sunday you’re living as for ME, I have a mega famous popular blog that everybody tunes in to daily just to catch up on my latest so I have a point in being here, and you? BAhahaHA.
Yawn.
Bullshit, you’re parked here. If you want to further bore and irritate me feel free to email. Or, meet me in person you fucking pussy seeing as you’re in Toronto anyway.
There hasn’t been anything quite like the 9/11 tragedy in the last 10 years that has brought people/north Americans together in such a way. Everyone remembers where they were when they saw/heard what was happening, the imagery emblazoned in our minds will be something we are all likely to remember for the rest of our lives.
Thank you for sharing your side of the story with us.
It’s obvious “Steven Hawkins” is experiencing so much pain/discontent in his/her own life that he/she has to trivialize the real & painful things other people experience. I never understood why this makes people feel better.
They think they get powers from it. irl they would be instantly corrected if they so much as tried to speak to me in such a manner, ask teacher. People who are actual strong personalities don’t troll people on the internet, only losers do and everyone in Toronto should know that NO ONE gets away speaking this way in Toronto. We’re all too willing and ready to fight you.
about three and a half years ago my father died (not with his dick up my ass…see post of about 7 and a half years ago!!) anyway we all have our sad stories to tell and age and wisdom makes us realise that life is shit and great but most importantly that as human beings we all experience similar things and ultimately no matter how intimate things are to us no-one else gives a fuck. People are insensitive and they have every right to be because what upsets you means fuck all to them. Your close friends might empaphise with you but behind closed doors they are calling you a whining bitch who seeks attention with bi-polar and ptsd. I’m not having a go (really) it’s just that you should take all the superficial contragulatory back-slapping with a massive pinch of salt or is it spoon full if sugar…anyway no-one cares for you because human nature is selfish!!
also, you’re somewhat tiresome ability to say to commenters ( i know where you live) means fuck all…that may be a frightening concept to people less world wise than most who come here but to be honest i say, if you know where i live come and get me…
what in the fuck are you talking about? get over it.
I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking, if you can look me in the eye and say you’ve never bitched about one of your friends then I can tell you now your friends are bitching about you as we speak (figuratively). Friend bitching always starts with “I really like him/her/name, BUT…” and that justifies any horrible thing you want to say about anyone. You need to rid yourself of these hangers on Lauren who cling to coat tails hoping one day to leech a little bit of stardom from anything you might achieve. you seem like a really nice person and a lot of what you say is humourous and i like how you write. I also like how you get the last word
and i should re-read my posts before hitting the return button…grammar nightmare!!
you turned my pity party post into a thing about my friends talking shit about me. you are on the other side of the world, you dont know me. period. or my friends. this has no bearing now please i’d like to move on to other things thank you.