burlesquempire

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don’t get too attached to this painting i’m mailing it soon to lesliebian. i brought it here to guilt/force myself to do it. am i the only one who finds shipping and handling to be utterly annoying? when will there be a service that comes to your house when you call or email and say hey i have a lamp please bring your van full of bubble wrap, package accordingly and get the heck out of here like i have a maytag box kicking around to restructure into a suitable package. am i right? and, like i want to do that anyway. can someone go onto dragon’s den please and make this business happen? all you need is a van and then you drive to the post office. done. you can call your company the middleman or something cute stupid like that.

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the absolute only reason why i pierced my ears or wanted to get them done so late in life (five months ago!) was to exclusively wear feather earrings because of this video.

i have absolutely zero shame in my love of top forty garbage. i’ll unearth my rants about it if i have any energy left after writing this pile of crap. FOUND IT READ IT AND COMMIT TO MEMORY.

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many styles of feathers to choose from i held them all up to my face and knew these were the ones, kinda thundercats. i wanted a natural colour not bird-like peacock vibrant. i want to look like an animal woman, with fur/feathers growing out of me like the phoenix in the kanye runaway video.

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and my shirt, an homage to dazed and confused AIR RAID YOU FRESHMEN BITCHES! it was a hit at steamwhistle people (drunk baseball fans) kept yelling seniors! at me and i was so clued out, then i got it and rolled with it. oh the jokes i can get out of this one. obvs photobooth makes me backward, and the room.

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new kicks that slashed up my ankles so today will be a flip flops day. do i go minimalist blue or pink tube flops a la punky brewster?

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finally did them. they say not to wear for more than 7 days which i guess means i destroyed my nails. oh well. my minx nail tech will fix me up afterward. anyway, i somehow did this totally wasted, one hand only at first, super easy. just did the other hand now.

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slightly harder to type like an office girl clacking away with her french manicure slurping on a jugo juice reading tmz. plahahah.

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someone was party stalking me. look i have wizard hair almost.

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i tried lisa’s moroccan oil, serum style instead of the spray, the serum is loads better i have to stock up on hair product.

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ooh that was a skinny night.

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i party hair fidget. it’s at that length that it’s long enough to see when i look down so i’m more aware of it, i see it and then go oh hello, lets have a hair sweep over that shoulder right there, yeah that’s the spot, no? not good enough. satisfied? ok i’ll just tussle you a little bit here while nodding and put you right back to how you were in the first place. then lets do this 34565 times for the rest of the day.

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blaha teacher and the trophy. i am good at what i do.

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pre-lisa’s party pics.

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eastern bloc raymi.

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i am SO wearing the hell out of this hat come winter. teacher has all kinds of wicked accessories a brit poppy dapper m’f’r might own. score.

i woke up and went out with how my hair was exactly as it was when i awoke, no brushing. my cowlick will be cut into a more streamlined layer brennen said it looks like i am wearing a hair hat. well, at least i am not wearing a weave. how mean is it to be jealous of other blonds with longer hair, that makes them prettier cos mermaids are always prettier, but you know it’s extensions. dilemma. i guess look at it as plastic surgery or wearing makeup? verdict: don’t be an asshole or say anything.

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hand watch. how ocd are you about your nails?

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i got another pair of cutie patootie shorts from UO. show ya later. i am so pumped little shorts are in. summer shopping depresses me and stresses me out it’s like lying in bed staring at the ceiling panic, i don’t think there is anything in the city made for ME! omg summer is ruined! totally right?

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loved this. on the right was my bible while reading it (he never replied by the way i might email him ONE last chance tucker max you asshole) and then on the left we have my pedigree.

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i wish UO didn’t rip everyone’s designs off all the time and overprice everythang. we suicide shopped between there and AA and it was not enjoyable. to shop under duress, hung, stressed, timelined, bitchy lazy hipsters sneering at you, while sleigh bells is jacked to eleven i had style exchange montreal crushf–d flashbacks. we almost hung raged on a chick at AA. like honestly, someone’s gonna get a fat lip from me one of these days if these mouthy 20 year olds don’t smarten the eff up and respect thy elder.

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cabbing to the pier. jason was texting me the boat’s leaving we were inches away. when i tell a cab driver to speed what i really mean is drive on sidewalks and on two wheels and get my ass there i will pay double. they never do it though. i am a cab whisperer, i’ll have my hand on the door handle and before even getting in i know he’s a slow driver or a prick, sometimes i’ll next ‘em and close the door. they love that. i love the ones that eavesdrop in on your soap opera.

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which teacher and i had yesterday en route back to the tower to clean it up for a little “to-do” cab drivers get to hear the most personal of things and i don’t care, where is it gonna go? i’ve had drivers so immersed in my drama they drive way passed our destination, and of course i’m not paying any attention anyway cos a heart to heart is happening in the backseat. they turn the meter off at that point. these are the cab ride days of our lives.

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we could have water taxi’d to it but that would be embarrassing. darius is like what am i a sultan? too much attention no thank yew. there’s one on june 24 or something, i’ll be in south beach july 1/4 so not able to go for those oh well. at least we got up and out with nice outfits. the lisas coulda gone on they made it in time but the day was about hanging as a pack so we stayed on land.

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be nautical or nice?

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i couldn’t finish this. i asked if they had champagne, waitress said they didn’t. they did. no baby didn’t flip out or say i told you so. even though she made our skin crawl down our faces waiting for service. then a beautiful bollywood cast came in all in amazing futuristic euro fashions. i was in a makeup competition with one of the girls, we kept looking at each other like two cupcakes haha. omg her eye makeup was awesome and their one token white friend was wearing guy-liner too. hi can we have your life today what the hell is your back story, so intrigued! people should pass notes to each other in restaurants. YES WE ARE ON A DATE or I’M IN TOWN FOR ONE WEEK ON A BENDER DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME BLOW?

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no one was terribly upset (or they hid it from me EXTREMELY WELL) over missing the cruise, the weather wasn’t exactly warm and i had bare legs.

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that would look nice in a den, in my fantasy cabin. costs a bill probably.

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some people at steamwhistle asked me if these were some namebrand, perrys? please no way guy, with fads/trends until you settle on the style and are sure of it, you go no name, then when ready, splash on expensive conformity.

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lisa has lots of rainbow coloured pants, she must have a source.

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casie’s candles. not bad eh? nails i mean.

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the only bloomer up there right meow.

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toldja i’d make my own spa water. so refreshing.

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can you get patio mats at home depot? i want something cocoa mat-like. swanky.

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butt cleave underoos from AA. need a pair in every colour.

you can see on my back splotches. that’s total pigment loss and why i won’t tan my back because it will be more pronounced so i’m going to look like a weirdo all summer long, brown in the front, ghost in the back.

oh, and as for the name of this post, i’ve decided to burlesque dance again and this time as myself: RAYMI THE MINX. no brainer, duh? i will require a few girls but yeah, soon, sometime this summer, raymi the minx will be strip teasing von teese style. i danced on the bar at Motel last night in my jeans running shoes and seniors shirt (like tracey rock of love) and then all the girls copied me coyote ugly ugh but i stood out the most because i had the best moves. i’m really good and when i break out of my shyness, it works. what venue would i do this at? somewhere classy, tattoo’s stage is nice and has an actual stripper pole so hmmmm. ps. i will wear a minx tail too.

freestyle messin around from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

i’m actually in the middle of a panic attack here. it was a very humid day, stressful day, so i sequestered myself to the rehearsal space while the girls had break in the back. blasting tunes and being constructive helps anxiety, and then it goes away, and then you have a video like this.

strung out sunday begins, see you in Burnoutington!