this weekend warrior is now clocking in for duty. diet redbull, lets do this.

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it BETTER be a girl. i’ll have no idea how to raise a dude. well actually, i’d be very good at guiding the lil mawfucka on woman shit but i think it’d just stress me out as in, no girl is good enough for my son style. ack! notha worry for another day, many many many fucking days from now. NO i am not pregnant in case you didn’t get this.

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shopping in liberty village is stressful and funny. it’s like couple competition awards, like walking through yorkville becomes an event just doing the shopping. enough already this isn’t rodeo drive, maybe in my head it is but relax expensive jogging pants slob children. we like to pretend to fit in. i think everyone else is too. buncha phonies.

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on saturday i learned about the wonder of fresh funderwear.

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teacher has learned a new weakness of mine to exploit. he picks up his phone and pretends to be talking to the store we bought this from and says what’s that? rip its head off? you think i should tie it to the back of my car on the way to work? use it to help unclog the toilet? then i start howling screeching whining NO NOOOO and grab for it. yeah. it’s like that.

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or i can’t breathe silent laugh gasp for air, maybe even a little drool. i am beautiful. quite.

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spying. teacher saw they had left out a bag of something one day, so close but so far. he considered a contraption of sorts, a claw. i said yeah they exist, they’re called old people claws for doing the christmas tree. then we got in a fight cos he didn’t believe they exist. THEY DO. my ex’s mom has one omfg i am getting angry right now haha.

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that store better let me exchange this ring, it’s too loose. the pink one is fine.

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easter bunny gangster’s wife more like.

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dear hair, keep growing.

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mel’s prezzies from paris. oui oui. we all know how i feel about presents. yes please and more of them.

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i love adventurehouse’s front nook. brosz7 said it’s like a cottage.

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gluten free dough pizza. when you order online and see all the crap to choose from it makes designing your pizza pizza (garbage) pizza a lot more chi chi. you can pretend you ordered it from amato (and would have if it wasn’t midnight). i tricked this one out hardcore.

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excuse my side thumb grit. these harajuku things are darling, keeping a package for myself. i’ll wait til my movie scene is shot though, i want to have crazy long nails in it. i saw a girl awhile ago with long nails and was impressed, she goes yeah it’s my “thing” having long nails. ok well that’s a little sad but, they’re beautiful all the same. i want in.

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stella got effed over for her sunday walk. we went out finally, learned how nice it was in temp, she got the mini-est circle walk and was nexted. she gets way more walks now thanks to me, took her for a long run the day before this, that she ruined slightly. i’ll take her out after this blog post. maybe we’ll share dog cookies. kidding. they’re too bland for my palette.

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ahahhahahah.

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i was not digging my do.

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i said i would bitchslap the crazy park lady’s tulips (i wouldn’t) when i was pretending to do parkour off the side of her house to demonstrate a point i was making, a parkour point then we went ghetto speak and i was like i ‘ont care holmes i’ll bitch slap her tulips.

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hey did you just come from the cottage? he said that’s a d squared hat, probably fake, from brazil? he’s been to all these euro places. i am jealous.

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i belong in venice. wherever the tourist was filmed. or here.

my green leopard print sweater no longer fits me right.

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how to get free oj. order your sparkling then ask for a little splash of oj. it was only cos i wanted a full glass of champagne (last bender for the month) and am a lush. our waitress was v kind. i am budgeting (failing poorly at it) right now so the extras matter and are appreciated.

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this is not budgeting. delicious and worth every penny. life is about treating yourself sometimes and enjoyment. i never have burgers so when i do they have to be fit for a queen.

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i torture myself and do little mind games to assuage the guilt i said not to let in, for example, salad over fries. the eternal struggle people worldwide must ask themselves, do i want fries or salad? maybe everyone in places fortunate enough to have an ordeal like that to worry about but anyway, i didn’t sneak a fry from teacher’s plate. normally when you order salad that means i am going to eat at least 20 fries from my dining companion’s plate anyway, they will offer or feel guilted by my salad ordering then it becomes half and halvesies. lay’s betcha can’t eat just one slogan, while effective, also rings so true. if i put one fry in my mouth i then know what they taste like so then i’ll have more and more and then hate myself. therefore, i won this round french fries.

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holden caulfield called he wants his glasses back.

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oh my god i’m just so happy this didn’t happen while taking a photo of me or a video. one million per cent not my fault. sorry baby.

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isn’t there an app that has a fake shattered skin? why the hell? teacher goes yeah i’ll just say i have that app hahaha.

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it happened when we came back from market. no before. after the drake. got it.

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hoodie’s with stomach pockets are bad for washboard stomachs. insta-first trimester much? so if you’re on the fence, suck it up (and in) and go with a little cardi instead. me? this was necessary for liberty village so i could go in and out unnoticed.

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be sure to posture it up and pull that sweaty down when posing.

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FINE!

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stocked up on my hot sauces. teacher’s like hmm with this one i am playing a drum and that one i am on fire. the lemon drop shots i made us post-iphone smash (to cushion the blow) made shopping a lot more hilarious and enjoyable instead of temper tantrums and speed walking. i’m a matouk’s girl though as well as mados omfg darius bring me some mados from mitzi’s.

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pointing out yes flowers. i like yellow roses and peachy, what are the roses called that look like pink ladies (best apple name EVER!) in colouration also while i’m at it can i get a hell yeah damn raymi you so whimsical? clearly.

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good idea. diamonds IN your roses? that’s so raymi.

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for people with portion control issues and midgets.

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and what is the deal with old guys and popcorn? the older you get the more popcorn you eat. watch out for that. i am never eating popcorn again then. i like how the photo is a guideline for how old you have to be to eat this, a little kid or my papa.

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i work out three times a week honey (more actually) so you get to carry all the groceries back.

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then i psycho cleaned the kitchen, the fridge too. finally.

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made a video of the fridge’s contents. can’t tell if that’s appealing or not, or if the video is boring. i’ll watch it in a bit.

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we went up to watch the lightning storm and have a drink before i made this charcuteraymi board.

nice lounge music lulz.

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teacher didn’t last long for the movies. i stayed up by myself a bit and watched never let me go. i read the book. it’s amazing to see it come to film. didn’t watch it all though, hoping teacher will get into it with me tonight.

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and i think that girl who looks like michelle williams is not actually michelle williams. i should imdb this thing NO TIME NEVER ENOUGH TIIIME!

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mid-lightning strike.

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i was balancing mystery camera on my head to try and time my photos. i was like ok be one with the storm, anticipate the next strike, trying to remember how to time the counting from thunder to lightning but it doesn’t work that way and i am not a weathergirl.

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no that’s right because i am actually a sorcerer. a conjurer of lightning.

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teacher told one of his colleague’s who said i was lethal looking that i also do cute nerd too, i’m not all that scary.

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ok honestly now, how old do i look? am i doing alright here people? say you didn’t know me or anything about me and you stumbled upon this website, how old would you guess that i am. be honest you won’t hurt me, only yourself, because if i don’t like what you say i am going to strap you to a boulder and launch you into the grand canyon.

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i’m just afraid i am going to turn into madonna and sleep in plastic bags the size of mattresses filled with miracle body lotions and work out my brains off and have a crazy weird yoga fit body but the head of a babushka. i am going to get 4 harajuku boys except they won’t be harajuku, just boys, four of them, and i’ll zap their youth apparently that is how you stay young by manipulating the young. on it!

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excuse me young sir, i have lost my puppy can you help me find it? oh look, i have a mars bar in my purse just for you. do you want to go to the penny arcade i have all these unused tokens lol. ew gross i just grossed myself out.

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my friend came by for a lil hang sesh with teacher, i missed it though cos i was doing errands.

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apparently she stayed foreverrrrr and just wouldn’t leave. ate the rest of the snacks and drank all the coffee.

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better keep my eye on her. i think she’s a grifter.

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makin’ herself awful comfortable.

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i think we need to have a friendship intervention. she scares us but we can never say no to her.

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she always playing us and shit. not cool.

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blahah the first time i jammed it in there when my vision came to fruition.

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i don’t know what that salt sweat stain is. what the hell?

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alright you get the point.

Carole’s Cheesecake CAKE BAKING event has been switched to just the june 15 date now fyi, june 8 canceled. phewf so now i will only be one cake’s worth of fat this month.