MAWFUCKINTERESTS

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i feel really messed up about japan. i don’t know what to say. i can only hope to be aid in the form of distraction for those worrying about loved ones right now, did that come out right? here’s hoping everyone gets to their loved ones and survives that catastrophe and horror they’re presently met with and we should look out for each other, and hope for the best for japan and us all. WOW psa!

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i’d get this for britt. her birthday is before mine. phewf.

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perfect. who makes this stuff? hilarious why not? one day a stoner goes man, i’m just gonna, write about something i really feel strongly about and stamp it smartly into porcelain yeah, just a statement you know. i could do that? i’m doin’ it. yeah. doing it. can’t stop me.

errr yeah.

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see what this store does to me. i ONLY go in it when intending to get a present otherwise man, i’d be penniless. i can’t fight it. they have exquisite things, $300 paperweights, grand sturdy classic pieces, clocks lights. dream boutique. everything’s on sale right now too. SB on queen street google it. the plate i have is of the mommy barba papa i think she has a bun head. not featured here.

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i bought these. i know i know! the ones on the right were the last set. i think mom would like them. i gave the teddy bears to the teacher for his lessons markings. how perverse.

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i think i need to have a daughter.

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modern stylish sleek euro family and these beautiful blond children in a row it was heart melting.

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chubby checkers face that hair does a number. please grow.

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dopey outfit esquire. don’t care i’m so over-abundance of endearing and a bit of don’t give a fuck so, also, my blog post where i said he should pay and i’m old fashioned got my party dime on his. boo-YAH-ka-shu! next time you can meet me at the ritz. haha.

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spring is in the air.

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ready for your second lesson now about online dating?

this is a speed-reader way to gun through a high volume of profiles, by skimming them. when they have words laid out in point form, some underlined, you can sneak in whole sentences there to impress. i have a medium-length list. could be scaled back but cos my about me is succint it balances out. in no particular order of importance here are my interests, all things pertaining to blond punky brewster, remember to cover all your bases. now pay attention please, class is now in session:

(today’s themesong. incredible. 52 seconds in it gets BETTER than how it starts.

fitness – aka no fatties, this means you and me both. just in saying i like fitness it has the same effect dumpiesh girls get from wearing lululemon people instantly associate you with health, kind of mind warps them into thinking you’re five pounds lighter cos they think you actually work out. now, i’m not one for lying so, it’s up to you. i DO hear many stories from men about women showing up chunkier. it’s your funeral, kay?

culture – smart people, typically well-traveled, into the leisure, self-indulgent. speaks volumes. loaded word to include.

blogging – i am ready to throw down. this makes or breaks a man’s chance with me. someone could say i don’t date cops or something absurd. i get in lots of fights on pof cos of this, they start it. i have received the most retarded accusatory psychotic, shit you name it. exhausting. blogging. it’s wha i do. done.

cynicism – this word got me laid. it’s a fancy way of saying i’m a fucking asshole.

sparkly things – princess butter tart muffin face cutie patootie voodoo. guys get to go back in time to the girl they adored in kindergarden i take them down that rabbit hole, myself too. you get to play house forever. i’ll bring the tea cups.

regressing into a six year old – haha see?

hello kitty – i discovered her cartoon when i was young, already itself dated i was very truly young and it felt like a little world was speaking to me i thought it was grotesque to love something so much to develop an interest and intrigue about something, this was when my brain was developing i’m drawing back to that to self-preserve i guess basically.

practicing my smile in the mirror – yuppie bait and hipster instigator. hipsters are hypocrites fyi. so-called hipsters when i disarm them i think haha i got your number dude, when i take them down. i am actually constantly surprised myself. hipsters don’t practice mirror smiling, maybe ironically.

wine – self explanatory

boot camp – jock bait

scary movies – an insight into my cognitive interests, gives them a chance to be creative with me in a message and suggest something wacky, zany, maybe we have a common fondness and if not then they know i like it dark.

the drive in – great date idea. makes me look dreamy. can be thrifty too. romantic.

summer – more dreamy manipulation

walking in forests – now i’m just stroking him softly. try to find a photo of yourself in a forest. also, sporty, active. more jock bait and nature nerds, some granola hipsters too, dudes with dogs, kids whatever.

drives – does he have wheels? this is when you get into the dowry department of what both parties have to offer. i do not have a car but i give good road head. always keep the league’s overall feng shui in check but don’t come off as defensive as i do. so say i like a guy i’ll at some point bring him to the sound academy or one of my restaurants maybe. that pays off for a month to three. especially if it’s a band he likes.

wards island – HIPSTER MELTDOWN EXPLOSION TRAP hahaha toronto island is totally a weapon. i describe what the entire thing would look like and if i get desperate i mention that new beach near the corus building if i have limited time for my date audition and he needs to see me in a bikini well that place will suffice. what am i thinking i live by a beach right here. anyway we’ll see how this summer goes with my new physique.

muses – open for him to trip and fall head over heels for me in to. i need one, honestly, then he will make an attempt to impress you to see him as your muse, insta-a-game-bringin’-trap. then you get to hear all his best first date stories.

wes anderson – don’t forget you’re the catch here and it’s your shit on display so floss it girl, peacock strut. i lawve mah mawfuckah wes anderson and if you wanna get with me then you have to be down with every bit of pop culture i devour rinse and repeat cos i make so many references in my jokes and day to day living. i am a legit product of the televised twenty first century machine. i also got to stare at wes anderson and jason schwartzman after the screening of darjeeling limited at cumberland oh man am i EVER cooler than you! everybody! good luck!

zeppelin – one nerd was like planes or band? i didnt reply. be careful, zep fans are often nerds and like lord of the rings not in the way i do. i get to like it cos im a hot girl and it makes me hotter cos i get to flex my mystical side and penchant for the shire. we can’t all be wizards though ok nerds so be very fucking careful here i’m gandalf’s white horse you will neeeeeever ride if you don’t quit it with the mouth breathing. i should have been a dominatrix right? never too late. i would GLADLY step on someone’s face. side warning: zep fans can also be burn outs who think they’re still going to be rockstars but are actually just alcoholics jamming in basements and garages in the spring. choose wisely who you dance to kashmir with.

drunkaoke – lush bait. two more years if i’m not hooked up normal person styles i’m going deep cover stepford wife persona oh yeah that chapter is closing i have two more years to thirty. oh my god i think i just gave myself a panic attack.

burlesque -dita von tease them. remember your inner-harlot. you are a vibrant female with power. men want one thing only, you do not have to give it up but you can have fun making them chase it down and maybe you actually dig this sly guy right? whatever shit comes to mind when you see the word burlesque that man will be applying it to you. bingo bango bongo. get your tassles ready.

keeping my enemies close – shows strong dominant alluring mischievous personality, not to be fucked with. this is what i meant earlier when i spoke about not saying things like DON’T WANT NO DRAMA or NO PLAYERS (guilty of that) ok just let them know you could be a bulldog and snap if pushed in lieu of showing signs of weakness in the form of have been fucked around with before. do not show your hand prematurely.

kissing tag – i am a make out slut and will make out if provoked.

lord of the rings – wife material

seinfeld – can get on with geezers. quirky sense of humour. seinfeld is dude guilty pleasure soap opera staple.

hockey games – jock bait.

fine dining – now i ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger. ok here is how i operate. i’m generous. take me out a few times and i’ll take out out a few times. then i’ll buy you something or i dunno. i always make it worth your while.

class dismissed.

my broski and i.