i play the good guy in the role of my life starring you
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hi there welcome to my yesterday afternoon adventures, ready now?
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yesterday’s look was all about warmth and functionality, slop it all together into a stylish little get-up.
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like a rainbow goth chav. passed elisha cuthbert brunette by bellwoods and her and her friends both turned around to look back at me. i have the hair she used to have. i know her walk man. so was her. she was being dragged by a dog. she’s so pretty. we have the same shaped face.
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then i floated over to sb for a birthday gift for tarek. no it’s not a butt plug i never even thought of that in a room full of gays, cattiest most hilariousest people. i blushed actually when one screamed it out. me? i know. i was practicing being demure for three seconds. nailed it. this is actually a bottle opener, the bottom has an inserted bottle opener thing. amazing. classy. porcelain. handsome on a counter. i win. i made him open it first because i am that girl.
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hmm.
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one who was faking it probably and no i didn’t like him.
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hahahahahah and all the pages were kept blank forever.
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i was kind of like an easter surprise.
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i told the owner my dad has a shelf of all the things i buy for him from here and he loooved that story. i said he has the waving solar queen, tin tin car, kitschy tea bags. he’s like, did he use one i was like, oh no, no no no those are show tea bags now. hahahha.
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that’s a blog post for another day.
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has anyone ever said to you before i have to see you.
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my feet just took me here i wanted something delicious and not of the same crap my side of the parkdale tracks, i debated the drake but that’s like revisiting the scene of many crimes. i didn’t have books on me to pretend to be reading i dunno, just felt like strutting for a little and figured i’d eat a caprese salad and carpaccio, no carbs, treat myself and begin my psycho restricting once and for all.
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did i want to neurotically dine alone, sure why not. i figured i could finagle someone easily, a girl, i rifled through my mental rolodex looked at my phone as i sat down and there were several messages. i’ve been on a bit of a tear, but, anyway, his was there first and so i said i’m doing aloner at terroni come join me i look beautiful.
what time? i have to see you.
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now im here now
give me a half hour beautiful
i look like wop fitness royalty
good you can tickle my gina kink
i’m more roma right now or tuscany not sauga skank
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the hive something? i arrive and tell april i’m going to date rape her. i made five friends instantly off that one. dressed like a lesbian lumberjack i said to my colleague watch and learn capitain ahaha.
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i should be getting ready for my audition. well i am in the way of not thinking about it at all lest i FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
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i called april liza minelli fifteen hundred times.
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tarek’s cake said 40ish. oh he is the best so funny sosso YAH wanna lift him up and throw him into a fucking tree makes me insane great guy.
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what i wrote on his card was a bunch of nonsensical blathering. no just kidding.
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fabulous.
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hahahha yes!
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there’s our girl. chick beside me is like i need a man i’m like girl stop hanging with gay guys maybe on church street, hmm i dunno, mystery.
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i like being surrounded by other obnoxious people i was in heaven.
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apparently he dissed my hello kitty then everyone got him hello kitty crap. schooled!
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hi anita! i lost ten dollars when i was talking to her at the bar i think i slipped it into a pocket i thought i had on my shirt. also, i said on twitter the other day to this girl named anita sharma that thanks to her name ineeda shawarma. no laughs. zero retweets. you guys just don’t know humour not even if you fell down the knock knock joke tree hitting every branch in the face on the way down. i told april i was going to call this place and ask if they found my ten dollars. she laughed for a solid minute.
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this took a gazillion years to get him to get the concept of what we wanted him to do. i go, is that lady gaga. everyone hissed. then my protege butch across the room said IS THAT LADY GAGA! a second later when she came into the room seeing tarek holding both books. ahahahhaha i snort cackled. then 4 hipster gays came in a choo choo train formation, no one listening or talking to me at this point (at ALL points of the night) except one, sitting in a leather tiny chair way tucked in to the table, i was sitting raised above on a bar stool so from that vantage point he appeared to be just a little laughing at my joke torso cos i go uh did anyone hear that super embarrassing baby voice choo choo train thing i said he’s nodding laughing in-tandem yes i heard it. well good it’s true they DO look like a train and you are the caboose.
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i am a child. regression. pink barba papa needed it. this is a representation of what is going on in my brain at mach ten speed 24/7.
wish me luck assholes!
