is my pretending to care about christmas showing?

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well there’s no boyfriend under the tree so i guess santa kinda blew it. it’s ok, i’ve broken a couple of hearts this past week so everything’s right in the world.

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the holiday music playing throughout the house right now makes me feel like i’m in a shopping mall. i’m still at the dining room table waiting for this uber festive video of me singing enter sandman at wrong bar during the fubar party OMG DAD STOP TINKLING CUTLERY I AM GOING TO SET YOU ON FIREEEEE. haha he just said pretend i’m at boom in the kitchen or something and get over it.

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not to be a fag or anything but i am a total fag for these.

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gave one to my bro’s gf. FINE. i stretched it out too much anyway and i think 8 is enough for me. i want to turn everyone around me into me.

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papa goes to visit my nana every night at the hospital. they are adorable. he plays snooker all he wants with his boys, enjoys his wine, living the bachelor dream, no nagging or bitching but still every night he goes to the hospital to send her to bed. precious.

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my bow contribution. i am so creative. nana says auntie winnie (her sister) reads my blog everyday and thinks i am very creative and talented and a great writer. it’s not until you hear it from someone else do you realize it’s true so now nana thinks i am very successful. FINALLY.

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i dressed up just for her too to protect myself from nanaisms and it worked.

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are you going to a party lauren? yep, yours. just yours nana. she didn’t believe it.

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mom is sweating my boots so bad i was this close to giving in. she will not shut up about it. she called costa blanca at oakville place. newp. i only bought them on a desperate halloween whim for my tracey cougar outfit. i can’t have anything nice that i like without her biting my style or demanding it. we’re like turning into the same person and i don’t even care i’ve already made peace with the fact that i am dying alone.

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you should have seen me in the mall. i got all my shopping done in an hour and a half. chocolates for nana. mom said she’s chowing down on christmas chocolates like crazy and losing weight cos she hates the diet hospital food.

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the hypodermic needle disposal container really amps up the festive what is this family portrait. hospital christmas fuck yeah! letting mom keep my headband.

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family’s pride and joy my niece. mom tried to get in my head about that dress and hailey now being too cool for it. she’s in that cool stage you have to tread carefully. tons of attitude and lip and eye rolling. my brother and i dosed it out (and still do) copiously so can’t really be surprised. it stops us in our tracks a bit though. i can at least be rest assured that she’s not my daughter so i just sit back and enjoy the ‘tude in all its splendid glory all the while dressing her up exactly like me. she says she copies me but doesn’t mean to, it just happens, said it wicked defensively too. yep, totally my relation.

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nana is the orig no.01 diva in our family. she’s little but man, so feisty. mom said she has a good arm on her too, when she and mike and kim would lip off and beat it down the hall one of nana’s heels would make contact before they could race up the stairs to safety hahaha FAMILY SECRETS BLOG EDITION BEGINS. she asked if my tattoos come off and i snapped NO NANA! she asked me that when i first got blythe done. oh what about your wedding then? over her shoulder as i was hugging her i mouthed to my mom i doubt you’ll make it til then. oh relax. maybe i should just marry the next retard just for my nana’s sake. i bet she’d like that. she wants me to be with an older man. i told her i’m done with older. spent my entire life turning myself into a trophy for some old bastard and for what? one day i woke up twenty-seven like what the hell happened?

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melucas i think are coming by tonight to holiday rip’er with us.

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laura secord cake.

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merry christmas my internet friends. i like watching christmas happen on the internet (twitter) it’s funny, everyone’s wasted by the time i get out of bed and avoiding their families. twitter is overcapacity. KEEP VOTING PLEEEEEASE my mom’s obsession with it is making me obsessed too it’s like trying to win canadian tired money or something, so unimportant yet important!

here’s my mom’s pics.

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everyone was mad at us for taking so long getting ready and coming over. it’s not my fault you guys started drinking so early. pace yourselves next time or nap that shit off. mom kept us up all night long talking my head off in bed. don’t get crazy moms stoned if you plan on going to bed early, good grief.

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ahahahahaahahahahaa

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dad set aside two wrapping paper tubes i am going to whip my brother in the head the second he gets here cannot WAIT. check my nana’s signature nana lips. FUTURE.

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someone will give her a proper pedicure and file down those nails.

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mom, you are not me. deal with it. told her to pose like that. hehh.

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hi winnie!

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doesn’t my brother look hot with his beard? he looks more brian austin greeny that way. he said i was “trying to do pretty face” while i was posing for a photo. dickhead.

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i am turning into a wax-like statue. i’m getting more fit, you can tell in the face even though in some photos i look like a fucking cow (t-shirt arm cut off and big stupid white dress is to blame) i assure you i have a chiseled mid-section and my hip bones are coming back and i’m getting brad pitt pelvis now i just have to set it all off with a tan and bingo bango back in business.

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my hair is retarded. nana loved it. said i looked like a movie star. i confused every single person we passed in the hospital and grinned at every doctor eyeballing me. ho ho ho.

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like him for example. saw him before he saw me and said to nana now this guy’s in for a treat. flashed my big toothy whites and gwen stefani red lipstick as we wheeled on by. nana loved it she’s the queen sheeba. at 80(ish, younger but we round it up) she still dyes her hair, refuses to give up the glam. so this means i have 60 more years of makeup and hair oh fuck that’s a lot of money.

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little pixie. that size is meant for an 8-9 yr old mom was like no get her 12. no man she’s skinny. fat kids get fat sizes i KNOW i am right here. i should be a professional personal shopper.

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beep beep cunts coming through.

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i look like the muse for some emotionally unstable brooding delusional jobless poet. AIMING HIGH. it’s all in the nose.

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gave hailey this headband. she is so spoiled. i’m giving her my phone when i’m done with it too. hmm what did i have at twelve? zits, depression, greasy hair, foul attitude, NO COMPUTER. i actually used a typewriter in grade 7 for my projects and i typed on thick green stock and if i got one typo i was such a perfectionist i’d retype it all over again i didn’t care for the typewriting erase function it was too stampy. i watched casino from the dining room while typing up my forbidden city book report. TWICE. that movie is long. by like 1am i looked like courtney love.

for all the loners on this day, thinking of you. don’t worry, there’s always vices to turn to. my aunt is on the way with the turkey. dad’s on beer one. stay tuned for live christmas blog updates. i think i might assault the exercise bike a bit before getting dressed. actually no i won’t feeling lazy. dad’s on beer two. i’m going to brush my teeth i’m still in pajamas and alice cooper mascara.

LOVE YOU ALL!

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is my pretending to care about christmas showing?

Your title cracked me up so I thought I’d send you this. Merry
Christmas & enjoy that Boxing Day thing, too.

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it’s so weird to see all these people walking by the house. christmas walking. shouldn’t you be fighting in your livingrooms right now?