email me like a real person none of this DM shit please we aren’t robots people weren’t meant to talk this way

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hello! hallo und Willkommen. i tried to translate hello and welcome to russian but i don’t think you can read that and babelfish is racist against polaks they don’t have a translate option and this joke’s steam just ran out. здравствулте! и гостеприимсво i look like a babushka puffalump i stuffed the biggest sweater into that jacket and now its life fulfillment has been achieved from when i bought it 9 years ago for two dollars at salvation army on battleford road i knew one day some hipster would faint in desire from seeing me in such a backwoodsy adorable cuddly huggable oversized steamy oatmeal number. wow arrogant much! (i’m gettimg russian spam comments now from inserting that crap up there so you better of LOL’d.

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i swear to god fur hats and platinum hair is like walking around as a giant boner it’s obscene and i am LOVING IT. no more bunhead for me not til spring. it’s curls and straight and long and sleek. al was like did you have a night bath? kind of accusatorely (that is not a word but i am using it because i am manic right now trying to get this out and on to my board room meeting. yes. and i am wearing thermal pants to it because i am sick and a sloth) like a bath at night is one-upping everybody. i was sick and indulgent, drinking havana and kuji mango then red wine because i’m out of pain pills and it’s cramp time. hella bad. disabling sort of.

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i made myself the hottest veggie stir fry knowing it wold trigger my cramps but also keen on a magnificent heat high. what can i say i like it cosmic. anyway i doused wasabi powder cayenne chili flakes and green chili paste and it still wasn’t hot enough so i rang darius for a mitzi’s night had a major hankering for the mados. james says chicken wings are super fattening and i kinda knew that already but he really drove the point home so i was thinking of getting a salad and dumping mados all over it but it was nachos nite.

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i was super bloated and crampy and stuffed my gut under/into the table. fuckin’ hot. but i’m telling you it’s the hat what saved me. pure angelic.

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look how long my hair is getting and how fat my face. darius and al went out for a smoke and came back to tell me that all their fat goes to their face. my brother said that’s what happens to the kerouacs so i have a fat face complex huge time. james says it goes to my arms. all your eating, arms. consider last nite the very last pigging out til post NYE. i only wanted nachos to shovel mados with (darius you are a pussy, i fully had more mados than you) but then they said it was half price nachos and well, like a house of cards, we fell. darius is really funny he called me a pussy right back, yelled it out loud. doesn’t put up with my shit. no one really does anymore. everyone hates raymi wah wah wah.

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movie shoot photo interlude. they asked if we were working with them. um, yes, duh. it’s the hat and the tall french inspector (darius). we looked chic and blended very well. a guy with an expensive camera and i stared at one another, he was staring and staring so i laid on the pearly whites and the cute voice and waved and said hiiiiii grinning more, then showed my dimples. then walked away with snowflakes floating in slow-mo under lamplight in that awful cold. we were the only ones in this moment. he looked over his shoulder at me many more times until darius and i were gone. at this moment another woman was talking to darius. it was a cop scene, an ambulance was there too. we thought a real incident had happened when we were coming upon it from king. oh my god i can just talk and talk and talk right.

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eating spree.

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my hand is floating and pure example of the benefits of wearing black. i look tired too.

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no off button. i’m like one of those fat kids who just keep going until they’re eating napkins. thanks weed!

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we psycho-analyzed the girl in the second act. darius backed up my observations. al was telling me off about, everything. i can’t even tell you the good bits about anything anymore cos my parkdale boys club are mad at me. so darius is my next star hahaha and i’m letting a different one take me out somewhere expensive tonight if i’m not too sickly. listen, we’re all adults here. urban adults. if one of my pack wants to take me somewhere nice because he likes my hair, then i shall oblige him.

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darius has been picking up too allegedly. three in one nite. it’s the coat i think and the tall and the winter desperation. we’re all looking for bed warmers. ewww my uncle said that.

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do you want to watch my next cooking exploit at BOOM college street location? throwing a hangover holiday brunch party DECEMBER 21 1PM i have 24 spots available so email rsvp: raymi@raymitheminx.com it’s going to be fuuuuuuuuun.