don’t bother trying to find her she’s not there

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gave britt my little dress from f21. looks waaaaaaaay better on her.

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whoops tag. we’re working on an album cover.

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went through my tights box package i received of the phantom silks line. loving them. also watched factory girl the other night. go edie go.

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i want you to be in my movie.

— factory girl

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time stops when i hang out with britt. she is as neurotic as i am. beautifully whole-heartedly neurotic and actually a very charming, caring, selfless person. i am in awe of her. when we first met i think we somewhat hated each other? or at least were dubious. it was work. she thought i was cool apparently.

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the pinnacle was at the horseshoe tavern (for the 60th anniversary party) and i called her a bitch because i was giving her a business card of mine and she said oh i already saw it in the bathroom (in this tone) so i snatched it out of her hand and said you don’t have to be a bitch and that was the first moment i recognized a glint of self awareness in her in regards to me as before i felt like we had been having this unspoken sparring between us. someone finally cared if i called them a bitch. in our clique of friends at the time i never really knew how i was perceived or thought about so anyway here is this girl two years my junior with her own identity now in my sphere, what to do?

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this happened to me many times too but anyway, i knew i could then like her after that. then i went up to tyler stewart of the barenaked ladies and somehow impressed him with whatever bullshit material and then wendi went up and i was like oh fuck, she’s undoing all my hard work and i go to her did you just blow it? and she goes yeah, i blew it. then we howled wit laughter and drunk cackled profusely to one another and in the end dear wendi, did not blow it as tyler and i are very good friends now.

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in the industry, the music industry of toronto, there is a scene that many of you likely would never consider or know even existed and while i am a part of many scenes, my true scene i feel, is this music crowd subset of folk. the people behind the bands who make all that shit happen, the events, parties, swag, drinking, festivals, you name it, serious industry players. how i came to know them is pretty unique too.

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wendi (working for SONY at the time) emailed me one day. she had been secretly reading my blog for three years then finally got the nerve to write and she invited me to this thing called N X N E ? uh ok i look over my shoulder at fil and say hey have you heard about this thing called the north by north east music festival what the fuck is that and do you want to go to some opening gala at steamwhistle brewery apparently lots of important music people will be there?

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he was at his own computer station and he kind of fucking blew his load. so we went and we brought pitt. we networked like crazy and met a lot of people all in the same night and bonded forces and wendi really linked us all but it wasn’t until the NOW party at the courthouse did i first meet britt and it was an amazing fucking time. all of these events are documented on my blog in the archives and my blog sort of became the insider industry morning after news daily for all these guys, i went to a show almost every night of the week for three years. it was crazy. ok moving on.

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rob was mad at me the other nite for making him wait so long for me at mitzi’s. lacquering my nails to perfection was partially the reason why i was tardy. we had a fun nite a late nite then derek came by and fell in love with me his eyes twinkled with sentimental scottish glee when i revealed i was old fashioned and wanted a kitchen and a baby.

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my hair in that furry hat of mine and the blond hair. derek kept murmuring in his scottish lilt, and your blond haaaaair… trailing off. wanted to take me to the game in buffalo tomorrow. i’m too much a princess for ice cold tailgate parties so far from home. next time maybe.

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this one’s pretty boudoir

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can you imagine waking up to a/with sprite hair like that?

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raymiac outfit.

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my adorable doll.

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i say in fashion there is always one wild card. in this case it’s the blue socks that thwart the outfit into tim burton territory. curly haired fuck picked them out for me. the dyke shoes are jen’s from central, she gave them to me.

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i wore this dress one time only, in the rain at the drake, brunch with the beast.

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xiaxue has the same one i think. the ruffled sleeve is still really in. my black shirt like it from UO that was sold as a dress i chose from the website and a guy in colorado bought it for me along with other things. it was before it really came into fashion. i just knew that baby doll is a smart move, also at the time the telephone lady gaga video was big, and she would wear big sleeves. yes yes yes.

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you’re so hot britt.

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i asked the new piece of fish if his daughter would like me. he said she loves princesses. i said man she is in luck. she knows that princesses have to work very hard. truth.

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someone told me recently that i am a princess. with disdain. i told britt and she said so what if you are? yeah well fine ok i come from a good home, upper middle class, whatever. that doesn’t make me a princess though. i work super hard. just as hard as the person who accused me of this princess-stature. i force myself through sadness and stress. i’ve adopted a work ethic inspired by clem. when i get depressed i just work harder. throw myself into work. i just keep going. my new piece of fish (sorting out a nickname) native richard gere, there. he says his new thing is to work less and make more money. i’ll be doing that too. i overheard britt on the phone with her mom say she has a passion for making money. she was talking about stocks. groupon was already bought by google so it’s too late to get in on that right? she said she heard a tip on silver and pot ash, the guy made a lot of money when silver sky rocketed.

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my mom was getting on my nerves yesterday and i was telling her just start a twitter, take charge of your life. make the changes. just do it. act. i do not suffer defeatists gladly, i outright oppose them. princess i am not. i spread myself so thin i’m the anorexia of frivolous behaviour. i resent being called a princess even though it’s what i aspire to be and cavort around as. ps. my dad drank the big beer that came with this double pint i bought him for his birthday.

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i just want to earn a lot of money so i can buy a nice big house down by the water in oakville for my dad and i don’t want him to work anymore.

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working from the dining room now. i like it. in my grandfather’s chair. britt asked me how i would feel if my dad had a girlfriend and if she moved in. i said i don’t care i’m too old to be donig this shit anyway but look at me, i’m his fucking angel like it matters hahaha.

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making up for lost time. i’ve never spent so much time with my family before. last nite britt got cosmic and said you know we’re only in our twenties so long so why waste time being negative and bickering with friends then my dad launched into a lecture about him in his twenties. he had my brother at 21, me at 23. can you believe it? britt likes coming here cos it feels like home and she misses her family and here it’s like, immediately comforting and fun plus my dad is a beatle fanatic and so is she.

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britt says twenty years from now our parents will be sick and we won’t be able to do this anymore so i guess i gotta split time is a wasting. we’ve been playing music, dancing and guitaring in separate rooms, costume makeup changes, dad is jamming out, about ti tackle the tree and some screwdrivers. yes life. happy.