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because i’m real life

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i am a humongous woman. i am a lot of a person. the first time i realized i was an amazon was in grade 3 sitting beside little jessica arruda, this petite cute as a button portuguese girl i looked down at her matching purple jogging suit and my own self also clad in a purple jogging suit and i said to myself something is wrong here, she is littler than me. i wanted to be that small and dainty. but no i was the tallest girl in my class in every grade up til grade eight til everyone else started growing. i was the smartest and the tallest, the funniest loudest, but i wasn’t as tiny as jessica arruda or as cute as her. i hugged my knees as tightly as i could during story time and thought about how big i was, surely everyone else around me must have noticed how glaringly humongous i was.

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i was the flattest with the biggest nose and no one ever let me forget about it. a fat comedian last week made a snark about beautiful women never having to develop personalities. you can be beautiful now but it’s ok to have been an ugly duckling, a caterpillar. i wanted to heckle. the table of hot gay guys beside us declared that i was beautiful and my face flushed, the room went still. i had heckled previously to the hostess “EW” when she said her mom said pubes fall out when you get older. my distinct loud girl voice was mistaken for one of the queen’s, one of the faggots. by now the word is being thrown around like crazy so i say no it was me who said it not the faggots. they howl and move out of the way so she can see who speaketh.

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she was going into comedian mode (this woman is famous btw) like who is this ugly lout yelling in the room and one queen says oh no, she is beee-yuuuu-tiiiiifullll. she is?? i hold a candle beneath my chin and my ghoulish unflatteringly lit from below face terrifies her.

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she takes advantage of that moment in time to scream like i startled her. i remove the candle demurely, my cheeks are hot pink and i’m blushing profusely by now as there is WAY too much attention on me. i have adrenaline surging through me, coursing from head to toe and i ride it the house lights go up above my head and the room stares at me, spotlit.

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the room is silent, what is the review of this loud heckler with the chick from sueprbad’s voice? (one day i’ll blog about all the men in my life who are obsessed with my voice).

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oh my god, she is beautiful.

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i die.

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everyone is staring still, more comments about my beauty. my hair is up in a cute messy bun, i am sitting in a pew at spirits, my companion now realizes my pedigree a little more mayhaps. this is a trophy i have wedged up close beside me.

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i was wearing my jackie o sweater and i was drinking champagne. probably the only person in the place who ordered champagne that night. or in a long time.

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you never really get to see this side of my face.

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what do i wear for my party? something pin-up. katy perry outfit.

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i want to source huge cupcakes and gum drops and lollipops. massive cutesy girly candyland world.

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Kirk Cameron how?
about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
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Raymi Lauren White don’t question tickle trunk
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Kirk Cameron it made my wife jealous. she says hi
about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
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Raymi Lauren White you are so full of it who are you guy
about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
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Kirk Cameron why so unbelievable. You have an interesting blog and my wife likes it. maybe it is you that has the “hipster” negativity
about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
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Raymi Lauren White everyone on fb that i know in canada is dubious of an alleged kirk cameron, rightly so.
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Kirk Cameron no need to explain myself. enjoy. I shall not share my wife’s comments on your photos from now on.
about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
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Raymi Lauren White haha
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Kirk Cameron i bet what you were expecting when calling me out was “OH. RAYMI!! I love you, and i cant be without you in my daily life. I see you everywhere and I wish you would be my girlfriend.” NOPE! G_D Bless
about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
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Raymi Lauren White leave her for me
about an hour ago · LikeUnlike
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Kirk Cameron Done! she nor the good lord would be happy…… never mind she said you can have me ;)

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gym rat time. biking in this cold i am not looking forward to it. will be working out at a new gym in the junction soon.

24 thoughts on “because i’m real life”

  1. Maybe you were taller than everyone because you were older? I had the opposite thing, I thought I was short my whole childhood but now realize it was because I was the youngest in the class. You really are very dainty I think.

    Also I know a place that makes AMAZING cupcakes in the B-dot. Not sure if you really are getting cupcakes for your party or if you need to find a place but if you do let me know. I can’t get them free though…maybe a deal?

  2. nope i was younger, march baby, my birthday was 3 months before the school year ended. just a freak of beautiful nature. yes i want free cupcakes. 300.

    i am dainty sometimes when i’m not hanging with shrimps like casie or steph.

  4. I’m tall and flat. i used to use my size to my advantage. intimidation in sports. i was the best high jumper, the fastest runner, the greatest v-ball spiker and broke records all over the place. all those tiny pretty girls couldn’t touch me.

  6. you were at spirits last wednesday! love mama jo! and deb kills me every single time! seriously best kept secret that place. but just so you know there is always one girl singled out – not to say you aren’t beautiful but just that you aren’t THAT special :)

  7. The point of the story wasn’t for a jealous child to come out of the woodworks. I am v aware of the comic scene thanks naomi and that people are chosen in crowds, I wasn’t the only one singled out. Way to ruin the mystery. You, aren’t cool.

  10. The story about the comedy club was beautifully written…
    I was also taller than everyone, but not flat at all, and just so you know, that was no better. The first girl to have to wear a bra, hell on earth to a child that looked like a teenager.
    I remember walking down the halls, the boys taking turns snapping my bra. Ugh kids can be so awful.

  14. If you were a March baby, that means you were older. Being a November kid I should know…Come January, everyone turned a new, older, fancier age.

  19. Who ever that was that posted above as Barbara Doduk was NOT me.

    I only know 2 people who would pretend to be me to spite me, if it is either of you OR whoever you are – you are the one that need to get a life.

    Thank you Raymi for bringing this to my attention. As I told you I am a full time single mom and do not have time to read or post on blogs. I find it very disconcerting that someone would use my name to post on your blog.

  20. PS the IP 74.50.118.91 that you sent me for the person above pretending to be me, comes up as being in Tampa Florida. I live in White Rock (that’s near Vancouver/Surrey). I don’t know anyone in Florida that would want to tarnish my name… very odd. Again who ever did it it the one who needs to get a life.

  21. i totally wouldn’t have guess costa blanca. thanks. do you think that headband would suit short hair?

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