don’t think revenge is a path to happiness

i have so much to talk about and so much i can’t talk about it’s like being a balloon someone has pinned between their thumb and finger, easy to let some air seep out but you know you shouldn’t but then you do it anyway and then the balloon is flflflfppppflflppp how do you type a balloon-deflating sound? anyway i read my lines with carly filmed them and sent the video off to wherever on the road is filming. i would jump over a fucking car if i got a part. tear a phonebook in half.

i picked up my last paycheque from central yesterday after the gym after a stressful phonecall after my long day of orchestrating myself around the city. clem was at the bar, gave me some legal advice, told me i was stupid a bunch (he’s in a dark place) i was like wow so glad i came by hahaha then he started getting on my nerves and i asked, “hey are you in a dark place?” yes he says then starts to go on about it i cut him off and say good, i hope it’s the darkest yet, so dark, like a cavernous cave…he apologized, jokingly (we don’t bullshit each other, our relationship is firey, challenging, he is always playing father advice with me and i let him think i’m actually dumber than i am and am so bowled over by his big mouth sometimes that i can’t even remember what it was i was going to say) asked if i was going to be leaving in a bad mood i said no i’m going to be biking away smiling knowing that black cloud is behind me. there’s a drill sargeant staff meeting retreat coming up i’m invited to. bootcamp. can you guys picture me doing that? how fast do you think i get lippy? oh man i can’t wait to see teppei get screamed in the fucking face worth it alone for that and the exercise.

i caved and went on a date last nite. well, i make tentative plans for a date then i forget about it then i check my messages then i’m like yeah sure i don’t mind some company i’ll just get this guy to watch me eat and he’ll like me so much he’ll pay for it maybe if not who cares i’m going out to eat anyway. so he suggests 751 i say ew so ghetto do they even have food there i’m a princess no way he asks about squirrely’s i say sure done and done.

i have never been checked out so much before in a night. i dunno what it was but it was retarded and every single guy was fucking hot as hell and here i am on a date and kind of trapped in the corner playing demure and humble then all out conceited. i wasn’t even the one pointing it out the date was he would not let one single guy walk passed without making fun of it, total jealousy defense mechanism. there was a guy there i saw straight off the bat i wanted to approach but i didn’t, he was on the back patio who kows who was out ther but it was like professor corduroy jacket nite or something. hottt.

we think it was my hair or where i was sitting. he took a picture of me to further investigate what exactly it is about me that made guys triple take. i am not fucking joking. extra unnecessary trips to the bathroom even and i didn’t even make an effort last nite just changed out of my gym clothes into this crap. i bet it was the venue. date goes, i’m sorry but i just have to tell you this don’t take it the wrong way, i’ve been out with many many hot women before but never never have i been with one where EVERY SINGLE GUY in the room falls all over themselves when they walk by. date was getting sized up like crazy. guess i’m going back to squirrely’s very fucking soon haha.

probably because they got the side ponytail vantage point with light shining down on me like a cherub and my bright platinum angel hair fuck i know i know open up the window and let some of the arrogant out please. he made it a thing i was willing to let it go. then bartender i picked up once who is still fond of me came in and had his back to us on a date or something and i told my date all about him and the girl he was talking to was clearly in lust so he goes out to smoke eventually not knowing i’ve been watching him my date goes down to bathroom i walk out alone and the girl on date with bartender is RIGHT on my fucking heels like red alert hot blonde is going to be alone on a sidewalk with my man it made me cringe for her a little cos i know she saw me pat him on the arm and old raymi would have violently hit the roof over that for sure so he’s standing there done his smoke asking me what i’m up to and i don’t think he knew i was out on a date not that i would hide it but i had that one-up of being alone in my favour which always makes one more appealing. i say i’m about to get stoned i acknowledge her she makes a face and says pointedly I’LL BE INSIDE leaves we say our hello whatevers in private and he goes back in. she ran out in her t-shirt (it was freezing she was shivering and immediately starts hugging herself) just to make sure he wouldn’t be alone with me, for no reason i mean she had absolutely no decoy excuse to be out there like I HEARD THE SKY IS FALLING oh hey hi there who’s this? if i have suspicions about people secretly making out you better believe i have a damn good excuse to be spying up on ‘em in case they’re actually just talking about oatmeal. in short, that chick ended up looking very stupid. and jealous.

we had a good pow wow business chat. very productive. then we went to mitzi’s for half price nachos. as my agent, you hereby are no longer allowed to ever let me eat nachos again (also get that glorified carsalesman back-links selling slimeball to pay up already before i start dragging his name through the mud just for fun) and from all the fine dining eating out i do, will be doing ugh, i am just never going to be a whip ever again. my excessive lifestyle is getting the better of me. i might join the liberty village gym despite being all paid up at mine across town and can now work out for free til march. i hear liberty village gym is a mega pick up joint.

part of yesterday’s stress/drama was some gossip/hearsay shit talk about me around the scene. sigh. i make a point to do my own thing, have for years, but i STILL get snotty catty remarks and when i DO play along, i get snotty catty remarks. don’t hate the playa hate the game baby. or just play it bettah.

my personal business plan/structure is BE a celebrity, think celebrity, make yourself famous, get people obsessed and addicted NOT go celebrity coattail bandwagon jumping. did you see me at any tiff party/event aside from fubar? (which doesn’t count cos it’s skid central) i don’t feel like partying and gushing over other people’s (celeb’s) successes a path to success unless it is your job to be news correspondent whatever but still they’re the star and you, aren’t. i also hate groupies. how over-saturated are blogs/twitter feeds right now with tiff this tiff that blah bla bla so. boring. tons of coverage out there and that’s fine we’re all in the same social media league here, we run in the same circuit and this is our city it’s all available to us but it also boils down to choice. do i choose to be there for it? no. i prefer to cover over things, i always have and always will. be different. if i was actually AT these events with you you’d be shooting me dirty looks and snotty above it faces but instead, at my absence, you talk shit. raymi does this raymi does that wah wah wah what do you fucking care? my not being there doesn’t mean i think i’m above it, i just choose to put my time to better more important (IMO) and productive use, you got it all covered by my peers, yourself included, i’ll just go back to working on myself if it pleases you. this is why my fanbase like me, i am always doing something different and why should i expect someone in omaha who has been reading me for years to give a fuck about me going to movie after parties, how do they relate to that content? i mean fine sure anything i do i have the golden touch they love it i can cover someone eating an apple and make it fascinating but i think we’ve all seen me partying enough, i need a timeout and my hangovers last for days.

how dangerous is it to let a nerdy harmless-looking fetishist cross-dressing french maid come over to do all your laundry and clean your bedroom?

oh my where did the time go?