did i exceed your expectations as a human being?

ugh i love ruining moments forever. meet nicole. i slur when i speak even when i’m stone cold sober (which is never).

oh my god i am a retard and i don’t even care anymore. at least meredith is retarded too. at least! we had the best time making fun of hater commenters. she told us about this one comment she got where the person was all GOD HATES YOU THAT’S WHY YOU’RE A FIRECROTCH YOU STUPID STUPID BITCH! think we’ll do a best of hater comments symposium or something that will happen never.

i’m going to be singing tonite in the cabaret that our golden girl at the central chelsea is hosting. i have no idea what i’ll be singing. i will be nervous and awkward and sweaty and then i’ll go bus a table afterward and serve you a drink while i cry over how much i fucked my life up. so please come! starts at 8, goes til 2.

oh my god i’m as red as the beast in pictures now.

look what i made lakeview do for me. it caused quite the scandal in the kitchen. relax guys just plate it at the end. next time i’ll ask for romaine as the gravy heat brought out too much of the earthy essence of the mesclun which made it taste like bananas. basically it tasted like shit and i ended up eating everyone’s leftover fries anyway because i am a monster.

on my bike ride home i was soo tired and spent i almost ditched my bike for a cab. what a loser right. i was fantasizing deleriously about where to lock it, maybe by starbucks then i can walk to get it tomorrow (today) and get a skinny cinnamon dolce latte mmmm dolce latte mmm coffee oh my god pay attention lauren just ride home you pussy. so i did. which was great cos i got to ride through the po po takin’ down some crush fucks and i got to hear all the degenerates surrounding the scene gossiping away. one pack was all do you want to take this guy down he’s a fuckin’ heatscore. dad it’s ok i am invisible to these people they pay me no mind as i am not a giant bag of crack.

i coulda just gone home but noooooo meredith brings a crew in fact i was in the middle of texting DO NOT COME HERE when this little bird pops her face around the bar. i got cut from work abut 12.30 was supposed to go to the courthouse nxne juno party whatever but it was dying about that point and meredith was gong showed. they asked for raymioke and i was all naahhh then i put my zune (YES I HAVE A ZUNE GET OVER IT IPOD JERKS) on and raymbo (my alter-ego) came to get down. it’s funny when i stick around sometimes to drink and dance at work when customers i’ve been serving all nite are still there. it’s good for business. they 1. realise i am not a bitch 2. stay and drink and dance with us 3. come back more often cos they realise at the central we’re not a bunch of stiffs. it’s hard to be dance machine 2010 when i keep spying out the corner of my eye all these double takes like look that’s the bartender d-d-d-d-DANCING! borderline offended by it like they feel tricked by me displaying good times. what am i saying it’s not hard, i was born for attention it’s like i’ll die or something if i don’t get it every 3 seconds.

upon seeing these photos i was like ugh who do i think i am david hasselhoff. look at those legs, that tan, those dumb socks. i am not walking anywhere ever again lest i get more muscles you have to carry me from now on.

ps. i discovered skim chocolate milk (no fat!) yesterday. urge to kill lowering.

be right backsicles.

brad and nicole made it for last call at lakeview. totally unnecessary. oh well.