i got a woman who stay drunk all the time

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my mom is ten times more irritating than i am with her camera, in fact, i barely take photos anymore. i just blackberry shots of myself, tweet them and if i think they’re hot enough i’ll put it up here. mom though guy, you need to relax. i’m in the middle of telling her something important and she’s like hold that pose. hold it. sometimes doesn’t even bother telling me to be still just goes and clicks away. trust me i know how annoying i’ve been in the past now more than ever. i don’t even fight it anymore go ahead take photos in a department store i hope you get told off, i’ll just keep walking.

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f21 has a strict no cameras policy do you think that stops her? i loved that red dress. too flimsy, would be garbled up after a wash or two. not worth it.

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we have loud dysfunctional conversations all the time without care of who overhears and i come across like a total cunt cos i lose my patience FROM HEARING THE SAME THING 50 TIMES. next mom date i am getting wicked baked. i decided to be nice and respect my mother’s hypocritical saint-like poo-pooing of substances this time i do not know the fuck why.

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department stores are depressing. it’s where fashion goes to die. nothing fits nice, the change rooms look like shit and they’re always managed by an old hag who hates life. GOOD TIMES. at this point i am like COME ON MOM LETS GOOO GOGOGO GOGO NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!! another thing we do is yell each other’s entire name to embarrass one another into hurrying up. sometimes i go quiet and don’t respond so then my mom is just standing there yelling my name over and over and over again like a retard. would you watch this on television?

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oh my GOD lets fucking go!!!!!! i finally made her laugh from my impatient brattiness after we left emma’s i was waiting to get in the car so i made a song out of it LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN THE CAR NOW NOW NOW LET ME IN LET ME IN NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. she called me a friggin’ bird.

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pissed me off for the seven hundredth time so i sped ahead check ya later.

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serenity now.

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she was impressed by how i nursed my watered down with ice wine. later on she tried to say she bought my dinner. whatever cheapskate liar nice try. my favourite is when the bill comes and i have to whisper hiss how much she has to tip. my blood pressure just went up.

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guzzled all my wine and then she wouldn’t leave. hilarious. as much as she’s a spazz she’s a great person and i need to learn to be patient around her and SHE needs to learn to take ADD medication.

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beast made peanut butter banana ice cream (!!!) how very talented that guy is. the pork shoulder was phenom too, smokey scent with flavour for days, why didn’t i hoover more? i think my raymi traps are working. that shirt was like 5 bucks and will likely fall apart in no time.

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dad drove me to the station in his muffmobile. ew can i say that? who cares. i love my dad he’s the best. he worries about me biking a ton i should probably stop blogging about it. he said recently if he could afford it (and he could) he’d buy me a car so i wouldn’t have to walk or ride my bike anywhere, how cute. that was the nicest thing anyone had ever told me in a long time. dad i’ll just take the money though thanks.

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sat on joe dog’s patio for shitty dinner, sun and uninspired mojitos. the ones at the drake are miles better. miles and miles. now if i worked in a crappy establishment i’d delight in pounding the hell out of mint leaves before sending those drinks out cos it’d be the only creative thing coming my way for my entire shift. i didn’t even catch a buzz.

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my dad and i were discussing this the nite before. i was explaining foodies to him. we both skimmed this article only but i gather the gist of it is focused on the term itself. cheesiest term ever by the way. i prefer gourmand but like i fucking know how to say it in real life. actually i do. gore-mawnd. yes? anyway, like all things “hot” and “now” foodie is the next thing to write about on a slow news day. foodie, social media (snooze) and what else? the way i see it, being into food, great food, is a means for the elite to be as close to royalty as is possible. it’s trendy. bourgeois. obnoxious. impressive. in fact i’m going to an event next week at the toronto zoo, seafood for thought: The unique and elegant outdoor setting, delicious seafood tastings prepared by Toronto’s top chefs, chocolate fountain, wine pairings and of course some WILD animal encounters makes Seafood For Thought™ this year’s fundraising event you don’t want to miss! essentially, gourmet food events are rock concerts for rich fat people. yeah yeah they’re not all fat but you know what i’m saying. i’m stoked for it. right stoked. wonder what i’ll wear and i’ve already been told to dress up heheh.

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you mean i can’t go like this?

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my brother dropped in yesterday to check his facebook and comment upon how ridiculous my life is. the dude abides.

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it’s been awhile since i’ve shown some burlesque around here. we’re gearing up for our next show JULY 4 at revival. tribute to canada. i’m a goalie in one dance and a mounty in another and i might be a lumberjack too. i have to choose two canuck heroes to write on a wifebeater. david suzuki is taken. if i put douglas coupland zero people in the audience would get it.

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i look like a penis and i want anna’s jamaica shorts.

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every sunday beside the after dark where we rehearse i see albert at his oyster stand and he always flirts with me and i am always starving so this week i gave in. 3 oysters for 5 bucks.

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then carmen caved. she’s in the harlettes. maid in taiwan. she dresses in french maid gear and saucily tidies up the stage and joins us in a couple numbers. once i stood there shotgunning oysters i said to albert now watch this everyone’s going to flood your table. i was right. when i left there was a huge line-up. i could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves (name that movie quote).

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albert loves my tattoo and says i have a very nice face even though i look stupid here and i think he is blind in one eye. he asked if i had a boyfriend and i said uh no not really and he said WHY YO BOYFRIEND SO STUPID!!!? i said I DON’T KNOW! he said so i have a chance then? i said yep, everybody does. see you next week albert!

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drag raced a via train.

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someone had a big bottle of this at dance so it got the i want that ball rolling for me. feeling this drink big time.

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my dad has a collection for every single dad thing there is. thousands and thousands $ later…

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these are the big players. $300 a piece each. ridiculous. go big i guess right.

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had to try them all. they’re like neopolitan ice cream looking. i am a fucking animal with no off button. when i ate the sandwich jen made me last saturday at work in less than a minute she could not believe it.

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oh hey moms what’s up diggin’ that wine?

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new shades practically identical to a pair i already own that melodie has annexed. their frames were too thick i like these better plus there’s a peekaboo gap on the sides between the lenses and the frame.

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this is what fertilizer silver fox got a good look at yesterday.

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rocky’s gone ethical on us.

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be cautious of those fogies look out, they’re wild. more like MILD and always in the way.

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don’t worry this cool story has a shit ending. flattened my back tire outright rolling over broken glass. whoever set that booby trap, well played. $40 later and my precious wino time eaten up.

here dad i was going to save this for father’s day but then i realised it was kind of awful. not bad for a first take though and pretty much teaching myself how to play it on the spot. bonus: i smack my forehead on the mic 12 seconds in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7T9LLichZo&feature=player_embedded