free shitty advice day
hey is there any raymi guide to dealing with jealousy in
relationships? i feel like such a terrible and paranoid person for it,
but i think its pretty much normal in all my relationships not
controlling so much, and not worried the person will cheat, but
worried that they harbour secret feelings for a particular other
person, and worried they may have a better connection with a
particular other person
ugh
i bet i have a personality disorder of sorts
you have to just get over it and be the best you that you can be so that squashes out any potential jealousy cos why would someone like someone more than you? absurd! that’s how i play it anyway. i have massive jealousy issues spurned from fucking around on pretty much every dude (bastards who deserved it and likely mutually fucked around on me too) i have been with. you know how robbers think everyone’s a thief? exactly that mentality. so basically you can’t be a slut. if you can go back in time and never be a slut then you can never be jealous right?
this is the way i used to think about it but you know there are some girls out there who just can’t mack it, they’re 5’s or something and bound to one day be in the same room as an 8 and their boyfriend, how do they manage? they usually try to control the situation by bailing on it forcing their bf to follow soon after. gay. why not put all your energy into being an 8 instead of worrying about one? then when you find yourself hot and coveted, ditch that guy for someone else.
the less time you spend worrying about jealousy, other chicks, the hotter you are. if you have a concrete vibe that this guy isn’t feeling you and could possibly be engaging in emotional cheating with another woman, this means that you are not being the best you that you can be. straight-up ask him or leave, those are your options. jealousy does not look hot on anybody.
try to avoid alpha females though they are obnoxious and never shut up and sometimes stupid guys get caught up in to their shit. i am part alpha-female so this is quite the pickle, personally. i’m a special breed of alpha though, cos i only half-care (bipolar). i only can’t stop myself when either gunned or egged on, which is constantly cos i am funny and usually everyone else is a wet blanket so then i get to see the look in other female’s faces of irritation combined with tolerance. look, it’s an open floor and anyone can fucking take it, but they don’t, so you should be the one. follow? avoid alphas, but LEARN FROM THEM. the only guys who want mother-types are not the guys you want to be with.
there are/were certain girls in my past who took great pleasure speaking to my ex and old me would have stood in-between them and hawk-eared everything they were saying but then i started focusing on my awesome self and wouldn’t even bother approaching their snoozefest music chat. eventually i didn’t even bother joining in period. i always felt that a couple should do everything together, if you are constantly going out separately that is a red flag, relationship failure. i don’t feel that way anymore, i grew up. it’s healthy to do other things but if that fucker refuses to meet you half way and do some of the things you like to do then it’s not even and it’s goodbye time. so in a way i became that insecure 5 cos i bailed entirely to make my point. fun how you have to seemingly play games in a relationship eh? it never ends.
as anti-feminist it is to say you need to be better to maintain that attraction-factor from your boyfriend (fuck him HE should be the one trying to woo you over again and again) there is some truth to it and along the way you may realise that he sucks and will be better off single for a little while and insecure for other non-jealousy reasons.
good luck love raymi
jealousy is a choice, trust is a choice. if you think the person you’re with deserves to be trusted, you have to force yourself to let your old shit go, decide to trust him/her, tell yourself that over and over, whenever you feel paranoid. it takes time and effort, but it works.
ahh yes trust i forgot all about that guy.
You know how the old saying goes:
Don’t compare yourself to others
there will always be greater and lesser people
than you
And if I partner gets all excited everytime someone lovely walks into a room and makes a fuss about it
its disrespectful to you
and they really aren’t “the one”
As for the game playing
if that occurs in any relationship
then the realationship is a fraud, not real
superficial,dishonest and lacking in true intimacy
and who needs that?
You should always try to be “the best you can be”
mainly for yourself,your self esteem, self worth
but if you are constantly made to seem you are “less than” by a partner
then its time to revalutate
which sometimes means ending the union
The best, and veritably only, relationship advice anyone ever needs: be an interesting person doing exciting things and people will want to be around you. The end!
I would just like to say that I have been a silent reader for some time now, and I absolutely love your blog. You truly are an inspiration and I take something away from your writing each and every time I visit your site. I have been dealing with my own jealousy issues lately and so this blog entry was perfectly timed and made me look at things in a completely new way. Thanks so much Raymi! Keep it up.
yay pumped for you!
I’ve also found that simply treating your significant other the way you want to be treated is the best defense. Who am I to get hurt if he flirts with other people if I’M trying to make him jealous? In general, just being respectful and demanding the same goes a long way. And also to not take yourself SO seriously that you can’t appreciate the difference between being friendly and being flirty.
these days I’m either too lazy or too self-occupied to get jealous. This might not be good either, but it works.
In response to Raymi’s Mom – yep, totally agree with you about breaking up with someone who makes you feel like you don’t measure up.
My comment isn’t about physical attraction, though. I’m an artist and once dated another artist, except he considered his skill-set to be ‘superior’ to mine and had sneaky little ways of lording it over me. He told all his friends behind my back how disgusted he was that I got a job in design and he didn’t. (For the record, I worked my arse off while he sat and griped about his talents going unnoticed). Needless to say, I cut him out of my life. A little friendly competition is a good thing, and it does make you want to improve, but when he’s constantly making you feel like you’re not good enough, it sucks. He hurt my creativity and I felt so much better about myself after I left him.
Artists, specifically, should ONLY date if they’re willing to support each other’s work, instead of being catty and competitive!
Raymi, thanks for another great post! Keep being awesome.
For a guy’s take on it, I’d say look the devil in the eye, which is another way of saying if you look the devil in the eye, you get to see how shitty and stupid and sketchbag and inferior the devil really is, as opposed to runnin’ around goin’ omg devil.
A lot of chicks’ll corner a guy to where he can’t really say anything about any girl, even if she’s like. A hooker in FUBAR, and my point is that if you let the guy be honest you’ll find there’s really fuckall to worry about, that maybe gasp he thinks she’s cute but that she’s in no way on the same level, a candlelight as opposed to a flame, for a gay metaphor. Maybe sometimes people’ll find there’s so much to worry about but early detection is key anyway. But if the guy can’t say anything for fear of a jealous reaction, she’ll be stuck stewin in the jealousy on a cycle and thinking the worst about how he’d rather have some other girl, workin’ harder at being awesome for no good reason.
I have some really shitty advise iffin anybodyi needs to be loved. I know WHO exackly will love you, you just will have to accep the fact!!!
Send them all over to :
Cotorich
http://cotorich.jugem.jp/
vi
worry is a wasted emotion.. really it does no good. you just have to think about what the worst case scenario is.. or worst outcome, and if it is that he will cheat, or find someone new, then oh well.. his loss. you get over it, move on. you’re on the market again and ready for someone better and more exciting.
nice, refreshing post raymi!
Raymi,
I know it seems you’re getting a lot of silent readers coming out of the woodworks lately, and I’m no exception.
Just want to let you know how much I appreciated this post and how able I was to connect with it. I also learned from it…which is most helpful as jealousy is a stubborn, unattractive and unforgiving emotion.
Thank you for your honesty and openness!
yes it does seem that way where you all been hiding at all this time?
In response to JENN
competition is good in certain situations, but not in friendships or relationships
If a partner competes with you, instead of celebrating each of your gifts and differences
it can harbours resentment and is sets up for relationship failure
you have to change who you are by hiding your excitement about personal successes
competition can present itself in many forms, even a partner who fills the space with being loud and sucking the energy out of the room for extra attention
instead of letting others take the floor
its an insecurity thing
When girlfriends compete and sabotage you in front of people or behind the back, and hit on your bf’s
you know this is also a competitive friendship
not a true trusting one
Feels like I relate to what Raymi is going through.
The advice feels like exactly what I’ve learned except reverse the guy/girl roles.
Love this
elaborate ryan. mom you’ve said enough jeez!
haha I love that your mom comments on here. If my mom commented on my blog it would be to say something like “stop being stupid” or “why are you wasting your time on this?” or “you should take those pictures down, what is wrong with you…”
just call me
Dear Mom
or Dear Raymismom
k I’m leaving now
“fuck him HE should be the one trying to woo you over again and again”
Too right Raymi, too right. I need to get this into my brain! You’re brilliant.
don’t ever put up with men’s bullshit. omg i am turning into my fucking mother.
Good thing you have a cool mother.
I think this is really good advice. I myself realize I’ve dealt with this by becoming a commitmentphobe. Therefore I don’t freak out over the thought of my current boyfriend cheating, ’cause if he did, I’d leave (even if I would rant in a horribly emo fashion about heartbreak and my lost soulmate and all that), but I DO freak out when I commit to anything at all about the relationship and don’t get reciprocal commitment.
Also, I’m going to sound like someone’s mom, but relationships are not entirely founded on looks alone – it’s possible to love someone based on your mutual interests. I mean, any bimbo can slut around your boyfriend in a bar, but only you can sing along to the entire oeuvre of Simon and Garfunkel with him, draft drawings in CAD to help get his project done, spend entire days shooting film together….basically, fill in your relationship mad libs here. Someone can always be hotter than you, but only you can enjoy being yourself around your partner.
This post was so well written and timed.
Had to come out of hiding to say so aswell.
Still reading…
thank you for this, we love you rayms