who are you, judy fuckin’ blume?

oh god. i have in my possession a diary of mine from 1999. it got mixed in with a bunch of christmas junk and as it’s just a regular hilroy notebook my mom thought it was hers (yeah sure) cos the second half contains her journal entries about me haha ugh. i can’t even bring myself to get passed page 3 of this thing so i’m just going to transcribe without thinking hit publish and forget about it. the good thing is i have 30 more diaries chock-full of embarrassment. i used to have to write in code cos my snoopy mother aka gestapo back when we were teenagers just couldn’t not invade my privacy. the one time i took off for a nite at 16 to party at sherkston beach my parents call the cops and file a missing persons report (guys relax why are you so obsessed with me)(kidding relax again) inviting cops into my room and they all had a good ole time rifling through my fucking diaries. so invasive. mom, it’s not called running away it’s called givin’er. she was all angry cos if i “ran away” again the cops would be all too bad you cried wolf once. anyway this journal is the aftermath of that, being grounded.

12.07am date unknown ok i can’t even post that entry so embarrassing. maybe this was a bad idea. today me comments will be in brackets.

2.46am natural spring water – one sip of
9 blueberries – consumed
goodnight

(PRETENTIOUS NERD MUCH)

1.31am august 8/99

sat in a beautiful outdoor bistro today. perrier, earl grey, fruit tart et ice glacee. (i am dying inside right now this is brutal i can barely get through it)(i am such an asshole too, perrier? when did i ever order that prior to this? never.) absolutely divine. (i want to jump out of a fucking window) complete with cobblestones, antique lamps with vines + grapes. umbrellas, marble tables with wrought iron chairs. busboys + servers were hitting on me. yup – still got it! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)(at 16 i should hope so wtf) niagara on the lake. bought a chapeau. (a stupid black old lady/blossom hat that i wore never)(and please stop dropping french words thanks)

1.42pm august 9/99

it is 1.42 in the afternoon (yes thanks we know) and i have not yet showered or brushed my teeth. still grounded and beginning to crawl out of my mind. or persay, (OMG PERSAY) my mind is crawling out of me. OK. i’ll let it out of the bag. i’m depressed. but that word is so petty. so common. i hate everyone. (how novel) i hate this place more so. i need a holiday away from everyone. i am quite bored.

then in cheesy script i wrote Like a minx…… (PROFOUND!)

august 10/99 11:01pm

will meet kevin spacey. (oh god)

ok so i’ve been omitting all the gay quotes i put in this thing oh whatever here’s one:

12.06am 11 august 99

val is dead he OD’d on E w/painkillers. terrible. poor val. tears are an indulgence.

so i snuck out during the day to hang with some of the crew i partied with at sherkston and one of them died obvs. i had forgotten all about that. i was playing football (catch) with that guy for hours and all these jocks joined in couldn’t believe the arm on me, true i had the wind advantage but still. anyway val was in the back of my friend’s car on the way to wherever and no one knew he was dead his gf was in the front seat. fucked.

1.42am

sometimes i think if people could see into my heart, nobody would love me. sometimes you just can’t believe how awful you are. it makes you shake your head.

i guess i stopped writing dates down. i’ve skipped ahead a bit it got a little too cheesed out there.

7.37pm

you could smell the rose bushes that’s some kind of flower. like a drug or something. one sniff makes you feel like you’re not living up to scratch, you should be having a better time. one night, i’d like to feel as if i wasn’t waiting for my life to start for once, i’d like to have a life as good as the one you imagine when you smell roses.

FAAAAAAAAAAAART!

don’t worry it gets worse the following is me drunk journaling in my nana’s backyard in the moonlight with candles lit all around me gaaaay. i had to stay with them for a week during a new grounding period for taking off with two swiss dudes in huntsville when my parents took me to some resort and i fucked up their time. i was also faking a british accent (my favoured specialty) and my mom totally busted me on the patio drinking with these guys and faking it i had to take her aside and sternly whisper scream at her not to blow my cover meanwhile she’s laughing her balls off. here’s a tip: never take an ungrateful (depressed) teenager (who is already grounded)(nothing to lose) on vacation with you. if i had more room and freedom i wouldn’t have done half the stupid shit that i did, JUST SAYIN’.

i could be in paris, looking up at the moon like i am now. eating melon, a whole variety of melons. water, honeydew, cantaloupe. i could be on a beautiful patio/balcony with the city lights everywhere, my lover (ew) could be in the bedroom indoors, smoking expensive cigarettes and butting them out in tinfoil ashtrays. (WHAT? why wouldn’t there be ceramic ashtrays? am i in a gorgeous ghetto?) i could be rich and sinister, sneering at the lower class. (ohhh great) i could be the lower class. (phewf!) i could crush grapes, staining my fingers and licking off the juice. i could fly away. i could be a bird. i could be the smartest person in the whole world, and you could know it. i could be invisible i remember when all i cared about was candy. i remember all i ever wanted was candy, and all i ever thought about was candy and i always envied hansel + gretel. (why am i such a huge fucking liar?) i remember snow white and her beautiful forest with talking birds and such. i remember the ocean in florida and red pistachio nuts at night. i remember gym class and how i could never haul myself up that rope. i remember the playground and scraping my knees on the limestone. i remember santa claus i remember being alone and how much i hate yelling. i remember winter.

ok i have to go do some actual writing now. sorry for wasting your time. truly.

vote raymitheminx please!