time for a post dissing

postsecret recanize.

um you WORK IN A GODDAMN VIDEO STORE!

ok i get it maybe only like once but if you’re doing this frequently then um, fuck whatever enjoy.

that was actually helpful. thank you.

you are too brutal for words. like for instance how you couldn’t get the right “lose” in there and also hello, you want to be a giant sleazebag for your sister’s guy? you realize there are other men out there right? or are you that cliché family member who looks forward to that one annual gathering just to check out all your in-laws and cousins? barf on you.

i once called in sick to work BECAUSE I THINK I’M CARRIE BRADSHAW OMGLOLZFTW!!

don’t bother wimp. your music is shit and no one downloads your songs anyway. this is you: GIRL I LOOOOVE YOU BUT I HAD TO DUUUMP YOU SO I COULD BUSK ON A STREEEET COOOORNER DURING SXSW I’M SORRRY SORRY SORRRY sorry sorry…fade into coral chimes tinkling in the breeze.

THANK YOU JESUS FOR TAKING AUNT JOAN SO THAT I COULD HAVE THIS HELLO KITTY SANDWICH PRESS AND I’M PRETTY SURE MY FRIEND RHODA IS JAZZED SHE ONLY HAS ONE BREAST NOW THAT HER BLENDER MATCHES HER SHOES for real it’s allllll good girl!

seriously, i am gobsmacked by the audacity of your stupid selfishness. please get severe breast cancer that riddles and spreads throughout your entire body asap.

thank you for this new phobia to add to my collection.

well look at you all smug. why would you waste people’s time with such a pointless boring lie? do you know how much i tune people out when anything remotely exercise-related comes into conversation so really you blew it for yourself. you get like three fibs a year and you just used ‘em all up with this piece of shit. did you follow it up with winning the lottery and flying a helicopter? NO MORE YAWNSICLE PIE PLEASE ALL FULL HERE. word to the pathological liars out there, give it a rest. we know you’re lying we just don’t care enough to interject, it’s easier if you run out of steam on your own volition, i’m tired of busting you too. it’s awkward. thank you for making me feel awkward and uncomfortable. here’s an idea, go DO something then tell me about it. no one’s life is EVER that dramatic alright, so shut the fuck up.

STOP WATCHING OPRAH THEN YOU BATSHIT CRAY CRAY WOMAN!

move to canada you guys are so common here it would be no biggie at all (no one should have to tolerate slurs ever) short of that, school yourself with some good whitey jokes.

very true for the most part howevs some goodies are good from the start and should not be faulted for possessing cool skills from day one.

ahem, or maybe perhaps for the more obvious reasons you are clearly in denial of.

take this information to a head doctor. people who think they hear voices (god) are not well. if anything it was a temporary glitch from too much sun. no one is speaking to you. you haven’t been chosen. ugh. not being mean here, just concerned.

make it interesting on your own you don’t need a fucking author to narrate the minutiae of your daily life. that’s what blogs are for, jeezus lazy!

ok either your friends suck or you are boring. pick one. then remedy it. make new friends or stop long-winding the hell out of the ones you’ve got. when friends of mine haven’t read a certain anecdote i put on this shitfactory i don’t bawl my eyes out over it, i just retell the story in short-form IF it’s something worth retelling. i don’t expect someone IRL to care about me walking down the stairs to my bike, unlocking it, yanking it out of the bike rack, getting steamed over it being jammed between two garbage bikes, etc etc zzzz yawn. let me see your blog please and i will let you know if your friends are jerks or not.

capital Oh Please. WHO CARES LADY! you are cuckoo bananas as if this “secret” burned you up inside so much so that you had to mail it in. you just wanted an excuse to go HELLO WORLD i have a baby and i love my baby BABY BABY BABY BABY GOO GOO GAH GAH. time to start socializing again.

thanks i run out of those things so fast. your passive aggression does not deserve acknowledgment.

you’re a fool. does spelling because becuz also make you feel cool? whole foods makes me feel the opposite of cool, it makes me feel enraged, irritated and broke.

oh will you people give it a rest? the connection of losing his job to losing his house and now his marriage all has to do with MONEY not RELIGION. stop scapegoating your life away, man up and face facts for what they are not some fictitious hocus pocus esxcusey bullshit. GROAN.

hey thanks!

now that’s not going to end in a ridiculous mess at all.