i have to celebrate you baby

yikes, these go back pretty far. when we got engaged i was thinking hmm ok it’s the honeymoon period again now i don’t feel like hating on anonymous losers’ fucked up life problems anymore no matter how ridiculous or necessary, the judgment kinda left me for awhile there. i continued saving the postsecrets anyway just in case. the honeymoon period isn’t over by any means, i just feel like, why the hell not i receive enough flack constantly yet for some reason i’m not allowed to judge back? no sorry, not goin’ soft over here for the likes of eh-neh-bu-dee. fuck off i’m sick, that’s one, and two i’m going to blow a fucking gasket today if i get one more stupid fucking comment. i’m exhausted by your shit and feeling like i need to censor myself all the time, events that take place, just for some pious coward to weigh in with their (not asked for) two cents and skewed perception of my life, what i say. get your own soap box. i told off some frat boys the other day for blasting music through our entire fucking condo (even with all the windows closed i could feel it vibrating my goddamn bones and brain) when i was trying to work wow look at how much of a psycho i am omgz i be craze!

alright, on with the show.

uh duh. leave him! he does not care about you at all, obvious reason one being well, using you for everquest personal gain and two, hello he chooses computer games over you. serve him papers now it is not going to get better, ever. ugh i can only imagine what these other men (sweaty smelly grabby nerds) looked like. barf.

aw that’s really adorable and heartbreaking. try not doing that the next one you spot (unfortunately, creepers are creepy) and maybe stealthily track her (albeit creepy as well) get her attention (cause a scene?) make eye contact, say something super funny and see how that works?

oh fuck her then. devout christians and selfish mothers will never not be intense, demanding, or bossy. whose life is it, yours or hers? seek out an encouraging replacement female and develop a strong bond with her instead.

eeeeeeugh. thank you for the quotations and triple-underline on loaded. we got the disgusting try-hard visual the first time. can’t wait to read all about this further at the darwin awards. oh look here’s a quote for you,

“Honoring those who improve the species…by accidentally removing themselves from it!”

oh puh-lease. so you didn’t receive enough attention from all the weight you lost you have to create some more melodrama? i highly doubt you wake up IN FEAR every fucking morning about being skinny. how needy are you? you know people have their own personal shit goin’ on constantly and sorry if they forget to properly honour your overweight person. i understand completely weight issues and the struggle it entails but come on, you successfully lost a ton of weight. enjoy it, stop dwelling and being angry at the world.

so you have the power to do this lady a solid and you’re not gonna?

for someone so obsessed with their thighs, one would think they’d at least know how to spell the fucking word. ps. yawn.

so you want to go back to dating a teenager then? get over it.

yeah i would too, not even being snarky here.

sobering eh, once you realize you’ve been blaming others for your personal failures or the world at large, expecting them to be responsible for your happiness. now pour yourself a tall glass of grow the fuck up.

ok you are self-aware enough of your obsessive compulsions now do something about it. you’re using these activities as a crutch and overall distraction from some larger problem you’re avoiding. like why neglected housewives obsessively scrapbook. come out of your cave.

now this is the imagination i like. all i ever mail are paintings and junk, i don’t think any of it would be useful to tom hanks. what are you mailing? and that scene when helen hunt runs after him as he’s backing out of the driveway in the rain OMGOD!

yeah like possibly stabbing you way to go boringest person ever. one day you will really regret sending that in you naive thoughtless dick. here are three different reactions to your stupid postcard:

Subject: Bus seat

Today I sat in the back of the bus next to the one lonely person thinking about how I could possibly make their day. As soon as I sat down, they moved two seats over away from me. Some people just like sitting alone.

i hate him for that too. i wish you could go back to the flock of ignorant sheep from whence you came. oh well, at least you’ll be a headcase for life and grapple with it. idiot.

incredibly awesome, good for you. i am picturing a really tiny chick karate-chopping some bastard motherfucker who wronged her in the throat. BUT, if it doesn’t happen (doubt it will) you’re gonna have to learn to let go of that anger if you’re planning on getting a good nite’s sleep ever.

oh sad panda you are wasting your life and he is stringing you along cos he can’t work anyone else over (though probably secretly is) and if he’s serving a life sentence he must have done something truly awful, why support that? don’t throw your life away for a fuck-up.

um, ew? i see this relationship going places.

oh christ, does this one actually require a caption? no one cares what you feel, got that. you are living in ancient times you racist bitch. you don’t even have the balls to say if it’s a girl which i assume it is based on the photo of a white guy but don’t worry, she already knows and detects your resentment and one day soon this is going to blow up in your face, large. i want to read the postcard about that.

ok i am getting irritated now. what if your stupid bawling head causes a ten car pile-up then you get rear-ended and your experimental sobbing face fuses with your steering wheel?

or they do it anyway and he gets her pregnant how happy would you be then, lunaticpants? STOP HANGING OUT WITH YOUR EX FIND VALIDATION ELSEWHERE YOU’RE EXES FOR GOOD REASON MOVE ON.

that was unnecessary. do you realize how classy you are right now?

what is this stepford wife desperation bullshit? i doubt he even notices. take a relax pill while you’re at it.

this is cute.

hi welcome to the present, have we met? you used paper to write that postcard. burn. i want to make fun of you for more things right now but i am already bored of you. good luck on your smugness quest cos that’s what saving the planet and being white is all about, right? fuck you.

i have a feeling you are really attractive. case closed.

then BE one! JESUS.

HAHAHAHAHahHAHHAHAHahahaHhahaha A+ analyzation not needed.

you lost me at “natural” life you annoying hippie why did you have to go there on top of the stupidity what is this postcard? that’s like bringing sand to the beach, water to a pool, fire to a fire? ugh. if you are set on encapsulating your entire existence into a never-ending period of nostalgic mourning you’re screwed and you won’t be happy. good luck with that.

zzzzzzzzzzwhat? can you hear me now? your future wife is certainly in store for a good time.

only including this to highlight the pointlessness of your amazement over this kissing photo and their not even being engaged. you realize people don’t get engaged the day they meet right and that they’re most in love during the courting-phase of their relationship? that aside, adorable picture.

aw i would too. lesson learned? can you send a heavy over to his house, something?

WHY WHY WHY WHYWHWWHYWHWYY did she do this?

cool story hansel and what if it was sniffed out and traced back to your company? SMRT.