i am thankful for postsecret
pffftsecret time, bear with me friends, these guys span back to august, and as usual i can hardly remember why i saved half of them. i’m usually hung when i read postsecret and come up with these elaborate booze residual bipolarisms in my head that i think SAVE FOR LATER then weeks later i’m like what’s the deal with this postcard with a balloon on it and the girl swimming wtf how can i squeeze some funny out of that again? or worse, i saved something to be all take a stand about it and i just don’t have the energy to tell it like it is when i don’t even know what the initial thing that peeved me off was. oooooh well lets give her a try anyway… ps. why am i doing this lead-in?
COP-OUT! oh ok so you’re fat and it’s your friend’s faults and nothing to do with your lack of willpower? your GPA would be higher too and that’s cos your friends include you in social gatherings and not at all cos you are actually a fucking idiot who can’t seem to manage buds and good grades, can you chew gum and walk at the same time? god, if you were my friend and i found out you actually thought this i would drop you so fast. yeah, and i’m an alcoholic because of the cat but it’s ok because w/o him i’d be miserable? see how much sense that makes? as per your savings you could at least get dudes to buy your drinks for you but oh wait, your friends made you fat, so i guess that won’t be happening. next.
every time?! WHY!? what is wrong with you fucking sociopathic losers? get something else in your life to fulfill you other than the misery of others, if you only feel satiated when people are down at your pathetic shitty level that is beyond sad. hi i can’t be bothered to better myself or my life and i hate it when others are happy so i’m going to fuck with undeserved strangers WITH MY MENTAL POWERS.
just in case you want me to puke? lady, let me tell you, the year of the thong is O-V-E-R. unless you are planning to get a time machine to be in the movie roadhouse, get some cute low-waisted bikini briefs or boy shorts instead, i have a feeling your ass is dimply anyway, cover that shit UP.
ok that is fucking cute, good on you.
PAHAHAAHA best postcard ever only because of the ape’s head between the hamburger buns. look how sad he is. so precious.
WIRED i love that magazine!
yeah, good luck with that.
so i gather you’re voting barack then.
haha that sounds terrifying and funny but please don’t say shroomed again, you remind me of this skid i used to work with at the hardware store who invited me to shroom with her and her friends DURING WINTER AT NITE IN A PARK and she was younger than me and thought she was all street. sorry i’d much prefer getting cozily drunk inside a warm bar with my fake id instead. she’s the type of genius who thinks 9/11 was an inside job cos her stoner friends say it. in summation, I GOT HIGH ON MUSHROOMS AT DISNEYLAND AND GOOFY PROBABLY KNEW.
agreed, it’s always the parents’ fault. hi mom, dad.
i bet this scenario will inevitably happen but you’ll be too busy in your head fantasy to believe that it is actually taking place before your eyes, the kid will drown, and you will be the hometown failure. get a new daydream.
you are a WINNER.
thank you for the visual. you’re one of those cathy comic chicks, i can tell. gross.
aww wittle waby is all gwown up nwow. guess what, welcome to the real world, where the only one you can depend on is yourself and the plethora of lonely awkward moments is never-ending. enjoy!
CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE AWARD why can’t the world only be made up of people like you? what was that other card i went all insane over last time? can’t remember, but basically shit is so fucked today all i care about is inanimate objects and trivial bits of information like this.
tell me now, how can people who can’t spell achieve straight A’s? here is a fun little lesson to help you remember the proper usage of loose vs. lose:
YOU GOT STRAIGHT A’S BECAUSE YOUR TEACHER HAS LOOSE JUDGEMENT AND THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT IS IF YOU STOP EATING AT THE CAF.
seriously, are you new? THEY GET PUT INTO THE STUPID POSTSECRET BOOK THAT’S BEEN PUBLISHED LIKE WHAT FOUR TIMES NOW SO WIMPS CAN CRY AND BEAT OFF WHILE FRANK LAUGHS ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK. you’re that same guy who says he tries not to hate frank for not posting his secret you sneaky little turd. how about you try to play the who-cares-what-happens-to-un-posted-secrets game alone in your room for eternity. honestly, i can barely care about the secrets that are posted how the hell would i give one per cent of a fuck about all the secrets out there i don’t even know about yet? MUST KNOW ENTIRE POPULATION’S SECRETS MUST PAY IT FORWARD MUST LIGHT A CANDLE MUST MUST MUST oh fuck off.
ok i just hit the postsecret wall because i think this is hysterical. please mail that tape to your sister or to the writer’s of everybody loves raymond, oh wait, they did that one already.
they don’t think you’re a bad person, they just think you’re inferior is all.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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WWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ten bucks you have a subscription to BUST (love that mag) but still, enough please. thanks a fucking lot i just google image searched ‘menstrual blood’ i will lovingly think of you while eating cranberry sauce later today. just kidding, cranberry sauce is sick, like you and your menstrual blood.
YES YOU ARE.
yeah so and do you want a prize for NOT being over your ex?
ok i did this all the time too and so far i do not have a castle or billions of dollars, so i’m pretty sure that the other things i wished for like being skinny and hot and macking fil i did those on my own. if wishes were horses, beggars would ride, got it? good.
way to prepare them for the big game of life and great job on your children’s reading comprehension level being below that of a dog’s, sprinkle some fear of public places, other children, and a general penchant for hiding in the basement on top aaaand we’re good here.
how original, i bet you are the only stripper in the world who ever thinks that!
zzzzzzzzzzzz cuckoo bananas much? i think you have an unhealthy obsession with your ob-gyn, do you go like every month? lady, what is wrong with your mangled vagina? c-section aside, i think you need to be visiting the office of a head doctor instead, do it before you smother your baby, brooke shields.
oh BA-LONEY, that’s a lot of bullshit, you just don’t like white peen, don’t bring babies into this you racialist.
yeah me too but hey guess what, did you hear about this thing called the internet and porn yet?
yeah i really wish someone in my immediate family could get a terminal illness so my room can look like pottery barn but then i remember i am canadian and all that cancer-wishing would just equal hospital visits, holding hands, crying and dying and NO HOUSE OR DISNEYLAND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS REAL LIFE OR SOMETHING YOU MEAN I’M NOT ON THE SET OF A REALITY TV SHOW NO BROTHER NOOOO LIVE LIVE LIVE COME BACK I LOVE YOU!
i too hope for your family that something bad happens to YOU so your mom will get a state of the art kitchen and your sister gets a pony.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING CANADUH!
