POST f’n with SECRET time

WITH WHAT!? A FUCKING JACKHAMMER?

what does “don’t know how to kiss” mean, do you not have eyes and lips, depth perception? is your husband a total asshole or what? go kiss someone before i kill myself over how depressing your postcard is!

well clearly you do care MUCH about it as you took the time to make this postcard in lieu of LEARNING HOW TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER CLIMAX! like way to go you secretly burned someone on the internet who is generously letting you bone them despite you being a sexual retard instead of saying hey so tell me what i’m doing wrong and ps. it’s THEN not THAN!

which would make YOU even dumber for marrying him.

i mean really, you had to share this one?

actually not really, these are pretty rad, you’re the loser idiot who pieced them together and MAILED THEM, i smell j.e.a.l.o.u.s.y. next time be less of a turd and perhaps you’ll get invited to the cottage.

why? why do you enjoy that? how is that something to “enjoy” and how garbage is your social life? if i bought a book and the last page was torn out i don’t even know where to begin explaining how much of a violent rage would ensue KHVGLAUFLCVlvbxvi dfg;9p;orh dsfobhfd;iubV!

that is NOT a good thing, why do you stay? i suggest one-upping him next time by hiding your own shit and don’t go back, fuck all of them, they don’t deserve you, know your worth.

judging by your penmanship you are wicked young so i’ll hold back some, to be frank, no, that is NOT what normal girls do. girls with hot bods who dog themselves are NOT normal, those (you) girls are despised by the ones with the NOT hot bods for doing that. you do not have to fit in with the chicks who hate on themselves constantly, in fact you should avoid them, that negativity will bring you down and eventually you WILL become body dysmorphic like them and for the rest of your life it will plague you so run the fuck away from those girls. do not look for imperfections where there are none cos you will make yourself crazy and your mind will invent them for you, this happened to me when i was 12 and started reading fashion magazines and came across a body image quiz and i didn’t understand why the questions were all negative, i thought my body was fine up ’til then and figured oh i guess part of getting older is thinking your body isn’t good enough and then one day i overheard one of my peers in dance class complaining about her thighs, ever since i have had body issues.

that “fun yellow slide” will not even have the chance to inflate because everyone in that plane will immediately die upon impact you lunatic and if you were sitting beside me and said this during a flight i would strangle you.

wow your life is so ordinary you have to resort to sending postcards about this? do you sit in the loser section in church too?

oh please not you again, just shut up, seriously shut up cos no one cares for your pity party, wah wah wah i did the “right thing” sob!

omg finally something i care about!

what?

oh dude you shoulda got that fart postcard tattooed instead.

i forget why i saved this one to rip on, thoughts anyone?

yay a for real smart person for once!

aw i’m sorry if i saw someone writing that i’d scream them into the shell of a person they likely are right now, i’ll be your friend.

oh god look it’s someone kooky my fucking favourite! i know where you should go next, a deserted island.

??????? well this wasn’t a waste of my brain power (SARCASM!) try again. F.

um spying? isn’t it fully in your power to have all access to every single note that is written and is it not also your job to PEN THESE CARDS YOUR FUCKING SELF? you must have super human dissociative abilities if you’re able to write something down w/o retaining any of it whatsofuckingever.

wow that’s so deep i don’t even get it. i forgive you too, tractors and field!

first of all, what’s the fandom, and if this is true, wouldn’t you have access to more than the creepiest picture of justin timberlake that i have ever seen and yeah thanks for singlehandedly destroying my wee crush on him now once and for all.

well you must certainly be at the bottom of the totempole in your household or pecking order whatever metaphor you want. puking will not get you more friends, it will however give you chipmunk cheeks (which will make you feel more fat) and a lifetime of bitter self-hatred. have fun!

call him up and go on a date or at least say sorry. we had this french teacher named monsieur dunn in elementary school and some kids made up a song about him it went like this OLE! OLE! (olay olay), MONSIEUR DUNN’S GAY! (to the tune of feelin’ hot hot hot) there was a dance that went along with it too. dude totally wasn’t gay but he had acne scars and picked his nose in front of us and played oh canada in french with his acoustic guitar really cheesy-like. poor sod. i’m trying really hard not to laugh right now. monsieur dunn i’m sorry everyone was a dick to you! there is also a street in toronto called dunn street and a variety store you can see from the gardiner expressway called dunn’s milk and my brother and i would snicker every time we passed it driving into the city as kids. kids are huge assholes, one good reason i am pro-abortion rights.

i feel brain damaged right now i’ve been working on this post for so long, i essentially feel like how you must feel ALL THE TIME.

i bet your tits aren’t even that nice looking you selfish snit.

regardless of that it doesn’t mean they aren’t psychotically disturbed! killing a family pet is like drowning a baby. jesus i can’t even think about this anymore cos i could write an essay about it, i’ll just let it be known that if i ever EVER saw anyone harm an animal, i would go to jail because they would be dead or seriously injured, fil and i would be wrestling each other over who could destroy this person first, yeah he’s taller but i’m way more agile so i could get out of his hold and sprint like crazy. the rage that erupts within me when i think about this is the same rage i feel over thinking about the time my ex bf back handed me in the face, so look out.

thanks for ruining the way i have always viewed men as the emotionally devoid robots they are, you prick. no seriously this makes me sad, i bet whatever problem between you two would have been patched easily if you just gave’r over the phone, i mean it, if a dude cries anywhere near me i turn into niagara falls and can’t blow him fast enough. feeling the need to further propagate the myth that men don’t cry is the same bullshit with women and body image and not ever being good enough, life is shit.

that’s what happens when you sign up for that culty bullshit.

thanks again for the laughs postsecret!