when fil dropped me off at shoppers i noticed my fly was down, so that means when i got out of the bathroom at the doctor’s office it was down the entire time, and then i walked by the bad kids (sent to the dumb no future alternative school) in the parking lot playing hacky sack and it was down and then on the corner i almost got hit by a car cos this woman couldn’t decide if she was going to pass me (walking) on the right or left so we did the hokey pokey a couple times just seconds after i did up my fly.

an undone fly has the power to make you feel like such an incredible loser, i’m trying to think of an equivalent, tripping in front of strangers?

did i ever blog about the time i fell down the entire flight of stairs at erin mills town centre after the late movie showing of romeo and juliet and everyone was spilling out of the theatre into the empty mall when i was in grade seven and beginning my transformation into cool tweenager and one guy exploded into laughter and his mouth made the PUH sound and then everyone laughed and my friends didn’t even notice so i was all alone on an island of pure mortification?

i was walking all smug thinking in my head how everyone had to be checking me out because i was wearing high heel penny loafers (I KNOW!) and then i slipped and rolled all the way down the stairs with my left hand on the railing like i had those wheels in my shoes that all the kids have these days i wish i could go back in time and have my brother there with me cos his laughing at me would overpower everyone else and then we would be like a variety show together, if my mom were there i would have just run away and hid in one of those huge mall planters.

i just bought new lipstick that is probably a terrible shade for me, coral pinkish, and i bought new nail polish what is it with my affinity for uber tacky stripper nail polish i just can’t get it right. i didn’t want to try on the lipstick before i bought it just drew it on my hand and went yep this is it! the drugstore lady is such a vacuum cleaner salesman she is always trying to guilt me into buying extra things and telling me about promotions and other shit, she is at least really nice to me unlike all the other girls at the cosmetics booth who get insanely irritated when you go up to them to pay for your stuff there instead of at the regular check-out lane. one of these days i am going to say something i have so much saved up rage over these chicks, like sorry for interrupting your standing still meditation but i noticed you are actually at work right now not working could you quite possibly i dunno DO THAT and swipe this hair conditioner so i can get the hell out of here that would be really nice.

this is my most favourite youtube video.

ps. tonite is so totally sober nite i have been suffering from the worst boomerang hangover all goddamn day.

pps. an adrenaline surge of rage just skyrocketed to my brain and private parts i just saw an ad for the fifth estate, a special on animal cruelty specifically circus animals, some guy whipping an elephant and another dude scrunching an ape’s face with his bare hand, i would totally murder someone if that happened anywhere close to me, i mean it, i would tackle and beat the shit out of them and slam their head into pavement i hope someone out there is doing it for me right now.

i just spent the last half hour being irritated out of my fucking mind by oprah and every guest on her show having to do with that juno movie.

i want to marinate in the tub but i am too lazy to even do that i don’t feel like dealing with wet hair today.