26 things i am not grateful for using the alphabet

avril lavigne (hey hey you you i’m a fucking douchebag)

barbara streisand (although i did learn from her that her preferred profile is the left side of her face and will only be interviewed from sitting in a chair with the left side of her face toward the camera i don’t even know how i know this but since have decided that the left side of my face is better than the right side)

coconuts (completely useless sweetish watery hairy milk well i guess not completely uselss re: thai cuisine lay off me i’m trying here)

ducks (other than for eating, what good are they? when was the last time a duck ever did something of benefit for you?)

elliptical machine (hey good for you you’re really good at using that elliptical machine you have lost ZERO pounds though no matter you’re a fucking champ at looking like you are cross country skiing while watching maury povich.)

fig newtons (ew. this family we grew up being friends with always had these disgusting cookies that i could never figure out, basically snacks for old people with dentures and no sense of taste)

grape leaves (hey lets make some nice rice and completely ruin it by stuffing it into grape leaves!)

harry potter (sorry, once a kid shows genitalia the magic’s over, that goes for that high school musical slut too, which coincidentally is also an H word).

iguana (no thanks i’ll pass on the salmonella little buddy ps. if i wanted a pet that looked like a dinosaur i would build a time machine.)

jack johnson (bu doo doo buh doo doop bu doodily doo doo i am sitting on a beach cut to video of me surfing now im walking around without shoes i am really good looking and about as interesting as a jar of jam).

kelly ripa (ok i am actually thankful for her she is my number 1 guilty pleasure right now aside from the girls next door i am too lazy to think of a k word)

Lesbian tv shows (seriously there are a million of them right now and they are all terrible and unrealistic)

Monkey wrench (stupid song, fun to play on guitar hero, still, very irritating and makes me think of greasy teenagers)

people who think they like/d Nirvana more than me.

Oprah (thanks for brainwashing my mother)

Pubic hair (thanks for ingrown hairs)

Quality time (what? this will have to be a blog post for another day)

Rocks off (if i ever hear someone say that they need to or want to get their “rocks off” i will get some rocks and bounce them OFF their head)

sepultura (sorry pantera is better and you don’t even like sepultura you just say you do cos they seem like the obvious pairing with pantera)

tarantula (explanation not required)

i need a u word

violence (i know i know i know!)

wal-mart (fuck you guys)

zits

feel free to list your own, i got lazy in the end.