and now my food poisoning transcript, it will be in my amazing third book that will be published NEVER! enjoy! the bold shit is my current spin explanations.

2.15 am! may 29

on a scale of 1 to 10 of blowing my life is an 18 right now. i most certainly have fucking food poisoning. never ever eating east side mario’s again. was it the crab cakes?! question mark AND exclamation point to emphasize the anguish and confusion if so why isn’t my dad hurting right now? can it be the cheese sauce from my pasta? or the chicken wrap at lunch? if so wrap, my mom is in trouble. if pasta cheese, brother would be too. either way today fucking sucked! 5 cavities! food poisoning, no internet! FUCK!

my stomache is making explosions, i haven’t ralphed yet, i have been sitting up in bed trying to ride it out, to beat it. total vomit trauma fear i’m too polite to go hang out on the bathroom floor until i pass out for a few hours. the cold floor typically helps. i don’t wanna worry my dad. but jeeez this is nuts. i’m balls tired and fuckin tired of sitting up with the lamp on reading my nazi book. when i turn off the lite and lie down i feel way queasy

ungh i am sooo depressed about this i just want to fucking sleep. god i wish i crashed earlier, i could be sleeping through this shitstorm right now instead of sitting up on the verge of crybabyland.

stupid drawing of myself here

even if i was keen on spewing, that isn’t even in the cards yet, not for an hour or something @ least.

i am never ever eating at A RESTAURANT again and i am never having pasta stuffed with mysterious asparagus and cheese Hmmm maybe it’s from the doggybag? sitting in the car? oooh if so shawn is SCREWED with a capital ‘s’ cos i only had one bite he had 15 of those guys. maybe i’ll text him. no maybe not cos the power of suggestion for him will be way too strong and he’ll convince himself poisoned. i should write soap operas

i wish i was on the bathroom floor @ home. last time i felt this way fil made me feel ten times worse/more stressed by suggesting i was pregnant. Thanks pal. That makes me feel loads better. I feel like i might go crap too but am too lazy/tired to bother so i know something’s not right ie. food poisoning. why am i such a fucking fraidy cat when it comes to puking?

oh i’m just so fucking spent 2:32am my hair is tied back in case and i am wearing a shirt so if my dad busted in on me he doesn’t have to see me naked.

mostly though when feeling like this, clothing is so annoying to deal with much less have touching your body.

i really hope he’s not awake right now, thinking i am a fucking weirdo like when i was a kid. my legs hurt from sitting cross-legged so long i will go back to reading my book now i hope i beat this thing. i’m burping a bit i tanned today can that do something to your stomache’s insides? oh i’m such a retard.

so for the rest of the nite i read vice and my book and leaned on my elbow on elevated pillows and cruised in and out of nauseous sleep. fucking blew! but i didn’t ralph or shit myself but it was like that til 5 in the fucking morning and then i slept all day til 1.30 in the afternoon. the end

+++

me: fathers day is june 17

Phil: yay

me: surpise you are going to be a dad!

Phil: wtf
lauren wtf

me: burn
yeah like i would tell you that over gchat
and spell surprise wrong
CHILL OUT
it’s payback for saying maybe i was pregnant last time i felt sick

me: why arent you fucking laughing
HELLO
if you are being mental right now you seriously need to get over yourself

Phil: it’s not funny

me: yes it is
WOW
way to buzzkill

Phil: no that’s what u just did retard

me: it was a fathers day joke
are you finished having a rainman moment yet so we can get back to fun