i fucked myself over by writing about chicken earlier the last few hours have gone by so slowly and 180 minutes of them have been spent obsessing about chicken and fitting a lot of it into my mouth 5-7 is CRAZY TIME in these parts cos the not eating all day finally catches up to me and the few marbles i have left roll around in my head and fall out my ears. i am very food obsessed, thinking about food, writing about it talking about it on instant messenger looking at pictures of it emailing pictures of it, in a very fucked up way it has helped me lose weight. i do not eat junk food anymore only sometimes and VERY LITTLE. i am hoping to be normal again some day, normal about food and not having nightmares that if i eat a hamburger it will not add ten pounds to my body. you can stop reading at any point now.

i have always had food issues, as a kid i was super picky and was not at all interested in meals, i only liked candy. now i hate candy and i love meals. well, i am not as into meals as i use to be. sometimes. nevermind i have dementia.

on sunday hangover drives we talk about what the perfect meal will be and we drive through small towns in search of it and we can never agree on what we want or find what we want so by the fourth of fifth town we pass we are stark-raving mad hungry lunatics and settle on something that is the total opposite of what we want and are in bad moods the rest of the way home. i am at least.

i bought three beverages for our magical journey on sunday, all failures:

dr. pepper
perrier
some weird fruit fizzy energy drink called slenderize, tasted like suntan lotion and farts

i obsess way too much over what the perfect thing for us will be i over-think and fuck myself and i end up being really bitter.

this one time i got this bullshit soda from the whole foods cafe that was tres expensive and did not quench any thirst whatsoever, it tasted like vomit and i was too angry to go back and rectify cos that place is supes irritating to deal with, all these smarmy impatient yorkville yuppie scumbags sighing and taking up way too much space EXCUSE ME I AM THIRSTY AND MAJORLY HUNG GET OUT OF MY FUCKING FACE.

wow.

i specifically recall this dude in a trenchcoat trying to cock-block the entire cashier area to pay for something and the cashier area is this abstract kind of island with no obvious place to stand and pay and then more people are coming up and i am standing firm I AM NEXT AFTER THIS FUCK and this family tried to sneak in front of me and everyone in the cashier area is trying their best to ignore every customer cos well it was obvs. they hate serving rich dicks anyway all i wanted was to drink my shitty bad choiced drink (this was when i did not know it was a bad choice) and all these people are getting frustrated and sighing and giving one another cut-eye and it was making me even angrier, i swear i am the only one who picks up on passive-aggressive hostile ‘tude fil is always oblivious to it. it’s not that i pick up on it i actively seek it out and narrow in on it. fil likes to see the best in people, i do not. people are essentially dicks and i hate them.

anyway after that i go out pop the tab take a sip and was ten thousand times more enraged woah i should NOT have dug up that memory i am scrunching up my forehead and squinting my eyes in fury right now.