merkley and i were just arguing over who has less friends, something we talk about at least once a month, and, while i do have friends i feel like i don’t have real friends like the friends i have they have other friends that they hang with more frequently than me you know call each other daily how are you doing type friends where with me it’s more transient and i guess i am jealous of the former, the only friends i seem to be capable of attracting are annoying sucky boring hangers-oners types, ones that are the complete opposite of reliable and have absolutely nothing to offer (lise i am not talking about you heh). cos lise is a friend that has other REAL FRIENDS. so is sharpie. i guess i am referring back to when i lived in oakville and sauga perhaps.

days when you are completely sucky and depressed you want a friend to just completely distract you from it but then turns out your friend is beyond incapable because they are waaay more depressed and they just make you feel worse these types fucking annoy me, cos when i am moody i suck it up and seclude myself until the wave is over, i don’t want to infect anyone with that shit. i have depression pride i suppose like yeah i’m a miserable mess but no one has to actually witness it, that’s just selfish.

so days when i do need to hang i end up not hanging cos i know i will not be good company, then other times when i am unsure of my emotional stability i wing it and meet up with someone and then go into a sadness spiral cos they did not measure up to my fun standards.

you see, this is going to sound so self-righteous ungh, people like me “bipolar” people such as i, are extremely talented when it comes to having fun and making jokes and laughing 95% of the time, those times are very high, but the remaining 5% is totally low in comparison, while for a “regular” “normal” person that 5% would be a typical day you know, satisfactory, but to me/us it is complete anguish, sort of.

someone will be like what’s wrong and you are like OH EVERYTHING and OH EVERYTHING means some minor thing that happened two weeks ago you are finally blowing up about and then after going over every single minute detail for 2 hours you feel all better but still your day is tainted and 95% fun-time will not be happening.

this concludes friday’s bipolar manic depression lesson.

i should compile a best of writing about having no friends posts and make a drop-down menu for them and then people can leave me comments saying always HEY IM YOUR FRIEND when i bring it up but then it goes back to normal them not being my friend calling, writing etc like um no you are not my friend actually