i can’t think or dream big anymore i can’t think of anything i would want to do with money if i got more of it, i don’t think in terms of yachts and three piece suits and other shit i think in terms of fuck i don’t even know, i think in twenty dollar increments and if i were to be a millionaire i would be the poorest millionaire there was.
still i’m pretty greedy though.
i just picture myself as crummy and pathetic and thoughtless and destitute, even when i have money i picture it being gone, taken away, i don’t deserve it. i see myself sitting on a stack of influential books and i’m the only one who doesn’t get them and my tea is luke-cold the rent is overdue there’s a draft and my hair is scraggily and yet i can write these little stories i dunno.
i probably won’t have kids either.
nobody called me yesterday, my fone didn’t ring at all i want to throw it in the garbage.
