TWO YEARS AGO TODAY

this guy keeps writing me and saying how shitty my writing is.

anyway, i had this dream that i had a talking dog and it told me it didn’t like the name i gave it and it use to be a girlhuman in a past life and it was abused and then i was driving a truck and it got all smashed up cuz i was chasing after this damn abused dog and the car was idling and then the room i had in this house had a square hole in the floor that led down to a well and these creepy red biting bats lived down there so i boarded up the hole but i could hear them trying to fly out of there to kill my dog.

there’s a hole exactly where my buttcrack is on these pants i’m wearing and i don’t have underwear on.

My Alcohoroscope

ARIES – Drinking style

Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don’t know when to call
it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot
contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a
couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you
want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when
blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if
not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you —
so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last
night, you sneaky Gemini.

Trademark cocktails

Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy food and
red things — and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes,
onions, olives and greens. That’s right, Aries, you were born under the sign
of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they’ve been known to
kick back a salty dog and a sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a
concoction with cinnamon liqueur in it.

Drinking buddies

Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al Gore, Thomas
Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O’Donnell, Sarah Jessica
Parker, Reese Witherspoon