i feel emo again today i think i might be pre-menses maybe, or i am listening to sigur ros-like music or cos i have cut out pretty much all carbs beer included or i am just a mess. i am almost finished reading the dave eggers book it’s the only thing inspiring me right now. i haven’t made a felt creation in a long time.

when people go “raymi is SO honest” i think so what, who isn’t, big deal? what’s to hide?

apparently i wear my sickness on my sleeve, i guess so maybe, why not exploit it for profit, i may as well get some money out of all that pain and if my story helps at least one other person, good.

fil gets to go on a ski trip next week with work and i am not invited, it reminds me of when i was in grade one and this little girl found out our class was going to the zoo, her brother included, and she was bawling and screaming cos she wasn’t allowed to come, i haven’t bawled and screamed yet but maybe i should or i will stage a silent non-violent protest and starve myself in the hallway and fil will have to drag me back into the apartment and as he’s pulling my legs i will try and hold onto the walls and doorways and eventually he’ll just be pulling me by my pants and i will be wearing underwear only and the neighbors will come out and see me on the ground holding onto the corner of the wall in my underwear and i will end my silent-protest by screaming HE GETS TO GO ON A SKI-TRIP! then the door will slam behind me after fil yanks me violently into the apartment.

or i will just threaten to have a big crazy funnest party ever the nite he is gone!