sleeping was difficult last nite.

well, after 6 am it was.

once it turns dark, the i want a beer bug rears its head.

could be worse. it could be weed again. that was more of a 24/7 type thing. giving up on life type thing. and not to say that drinking everyday isn’t any better, because in many ways it is much worse.

my memory is garbage.

i never thought that would happen, could happen, to me, never.

i mean, i still remember a lot of things, things other people do not. details. descriptions. random things. abstract. who cares.

though, it’s like a huge blurry block of time and space of the last three or four months or whatever feels like the same nite, day, week, over and over and over again in my mind.

drinking is a way to stay in the same place, safely.

it’s something to look forward to and something to forget and something to wish away and something to ignore completely.

for me it was a safety crutch to begin with. to drown out all the scarey thoughts i had and i worry a little bit if they will all come back to haunt me once i sober up. if mania will happen all over again once summer is here and i completely lose it and this time around have a heart attack. i dunno.

i wanted to slow down my mind so i did.

and i didn’t write any of this to hear lectures or advice so don’t bother.

some posts are buzzkills.

anyhow, let’s discuss my hang over. it wouldn’t be much of a hang over if i had been able to sleep properly and if all the stupidity what is my life past/present didn’t weigh on my conscience so much or if i had the capacity to stop the cycle.

sometimes this planet is not big enough.

this hang over is more like a fuzzy heaviness on the back of my neck and head and if i am lucky, perhaps the feeling will last.

nevermind.

this is what my future will be like if i keep up this nonsense.