There’s one where I closed the doors and the toilet lids aren’t so, there.

Hello and welcome to 3 days in 24 hours because that is how long it feels like when you do a whirlwind girl’s night out with Cray Tray and Lois Lane.

Ready? Set. Let the crays begin.

Wicked family birthday dinner party next to us to spy on and a table of guys on the patio outside the window. One drank a beer, an alka seltzer, then a glass of white wine ahaha. Acid reflux and white wine, holy crap moron much! They were a bachelor party I bet (hoped) mom said I was being checked out on all sides I was like good! Stuffing pasta in my face and bread and syrah and vodka soda beef tenderloin anti-pasto and carrot cake. Like birthday genie style they shook me like a piggy bank and dumped out treats and extra party attention bonuses all night long HA. I played mute and let it ride. That dress was admired and a lot of people smiled at me, it’s a really nice town actually.

Fabulous dinner at the Winery.

Mom had this, Lois had the same?

I was emulating that chick in the painting (being a dick). A good drinking game would be take a sip every time you pass a frown. Walking travelers (moet), you betcha.

Mom this is your first and last solo glamour shot until I get that one back I requested thank yew.

I have to try and avoid making these poster sized cos when my new layout drops it’s going to look fugly. Well, I can have the first photo small and the rest all tarded big. Nevermind, notes to the self.

Lovely sinks that matched my dress in the Prince of Wales bar bathroom. Sigh.

I died. No I didn’t. Who started that saying anyway?

After the spa. Detoxified!

A man watched me from down the road while I was out catching “some air” jajaja but I didn’t notice him until about halfway through standing there, alone. He was smoking down the street in front of another place. I was not afraid, I just stood and watched him back even though I know I should have reacted like a woman normally ought, flee after giving your fear away after realizing that a man has been staring at you for five minutes alone in the dark. I have a wild imagination and I haven’t even seen the girl with the dragon tattoo yet.

It was a ghost town, all party revelers being just that only the night prior – St. Pat’s. Didn’t mind, we stuck out like cray, or I did, or I did in my head, and that was enough, both or neither it was a relaxing getaway until it became un-relaxing ha ha. Why am I talking like Yoda?

I didn’t hit that. Cray Tray did of course, that is “her thing”.

Took a horse carriage through the town for a tour. It was chillier down by the lake. Our guide was adorablah and horse obsessed. Our horse was named Maple and she neighed with glee, she used to race so requires extra attention as she doesn’t need to run anymore but still gets a lot of action in the streets I’d say. I am being defensive because animal rightsy people are uptight about everything however historically horses traveled across many lands carrying things and people they are bread TO DO SHIT! So shut upsky! Thanks moving along.

Horses have ruined men for her because no man is as strong as a horse I was like girl you need to go hang with more dudes, made a horse c*ck joke and wrapped it up with a cackle and a lean back ahhhhh, satisfied. But really, how can a man compete with a horse exactly? Compared to a horse all men are annoying, they talk and complain and boss you around and horses are silent. But you can’t french kiss a horse. I was not a horse girl as a kid, I got a few unicorns here and there and was like okay thanks where’s the cute shit at? Or like a pink horse that was supposed to be all magical? I don’t know, but I do appreciate the passion of people and dedication to, whatever, a thing, and whether it be horses or books, it’s neat to hear about.

Some people are in to bathrooms, look, here is one.

They treated us like gold here, we had a high rollin’ suite so essentially being the only hooligans on the loose Sunday night were kind of forced to dote on us, deal with us, and be delighted by us. Duh. Dote, deal, delight, duh. I think I got a new slogan there.

Flowers everywhere I couldn’t tell if we were in a funeral parlour, a church, or a castle.

Here is an example of bad posture. Kash said my shoulders are rolled forward slightly. WHAT!? EEK! I just sat up so straight I gave myself spinelash. Yes it exists now. Once the hump on your back calcifies you are done for, it does NOT go away so bumpy hunchers out there be more posture conscious throughout the day. I find myself reminding myself over and over at least 50 times throughout the day if I am lucky enough to remember or I am not already lying on the couch like the winner that I am.

No you are not allowed to copy me on this dress, remember this frenemies who decide that it will “be fun” to have the same dress as me. No, it will not. And I mean ALL styles of this floral kawaii nature I am going to buy more until I buy them all. You jacked my style enough up to here this is going to be my one thing, yes you can have a floral dress but not this brand you hear me and don’t pretend you didn’t read this either we know you comb the shit up and down!

Cooper (one of our doting man servants and a cutie) gave me a bag of kleenex and hand sanitizers because my allergies were exploding out of my face like cray as I was trying to fill out my comment card. They pull out all the stops for you I hope I win a stay there.

I’d guess there were at least 150 portraits all framed like this throughout the hotel, all different families dressed in royal finery with unsmiling Wes Anderson wet dream faces down at you the more champagne you drank the more they popped out (or faded into background take your pick).

Maple had a sugar cookie earlier wtf is that exactly? I pictured ridonkulous Katy Perry cookieland in silence for the rest of the ride back. I am a little nervous around horses, one false move and it’s a foot in the body so I keep a watchful eye on those guys.

Some oranges are for eating and some are for juggling and throwing at each other.

I guess I made black go with light (a light dress) afterall. The Raymbo colour co-ordinating magic palette never fails, the trick is to just have no other pairs of tights available to you at the time of packing and dressing also, a bold pattern tight so the design has something to say too that’s right I say.

The dining room. We had (complimentary) breakfast in our room.

Canopy stretch. Raymi Yoga. Keeping it limber. Always.

Hi guys! Love you Lois! My boots were a very appropriate choice to wear in this antique historical playland. I wonder if Tray was jealous, they were hers. Thanks mum!

Christmas lover. People who are so concerned about my age and how I act, are not playful people. You wouldn’t believe the flack the older bitches give my mom and Lois, well I bet you would, but free people, free spirited people who are in it for the fun regardless of age, are doing it right. In the end it’s the eccentrics that people only care about, my mom’s trainer told her that. Why would anyone want to give up and give in and be old, dowdy, boring? We were surrounded by fossils the last 32 hours, and younger people acting as fossils and it was a bit stifling to be honest. I had an academy award winning diva flip out just before we left, I told Rebecca and she said someone should be filming this.

I loved this bar called the Angel Inn. A soldier was murdered in the cellars and allegedly haunts the place.

First mishap: Spa wrap treatment half off because the one chair I chose to sit in had a tiny piece of glass in it and when I got up it went in to my left heel and then I bled all over the place. I didn’t complain, but I knew the girls had it on their minds because who goes to a spa (for their first time ever) and gets sliced? So when we were leaving the very nice spa manager came out and said we were getting a discount. I know that I am Marin Short in Pure Luck and of the 15 empty sumptuous places to nook or sit I will always choose the defected and jinxed area but how was I to know a fucking piece of glass that someone didn’t vacuum adequately would be sticking out of the bottom of my seat? I can picture all the big time complainers that I know and they would have gotten it completely comped but I didn’t want to start a pattern of bad service or want any drama whatsoever but now that I’m at home safely away from everything and person I am thinking I should have spoken up. The end.

The wrap was amazing the room was relaxing and dark and soothing, I didn’t like the music being turned up when she left the room though because it was on this part of an acoustic guitar jam and the guy was plucking louder and aggressively and it fucking sucked but then eventually a japanese pan flute piped in and the song changed to crouching tiger hidden dragon level shit and I was calmed but I don’t know how you’re supposed to fall asleep through that. It was trippy a little maybe going over everything on my my mind while the heating blanket warmed up my salted sea scrub wet body wrapped like a burrito in a bag then wrapped in a blanket and covered with a heating pad. Wasn’t I just joking about doing that like Madonna allegedly does? How many name drops are in this post holy crap.

Second Mishap: crazy woman ralphed in the pool. Sigh. No, not us crazy women, another crazy one did, she was alone, I was nice to her because I again am cursed and too nice not to help or notice the crazy signs until it’s too late. my mom said she was attention seeking in needing to call the management, yeah she was loony said she was going to dive in from the shallow end I thought she was kidding. Anyway, that cut swimming short but before that we had it to ourselves for awhile. It was like a Swedish pool? Like I know what that is, more roman really but I saw that some treatments on offer in the spa are Swedish so I’m running with that theme.

Fort Niagara I believe. America. These dudes blasted us with cannons, the town, in 1812, and they reached as far as a few streets over but don’t worry we burned down the White House a year later for revenge. Nobody fucks with Don Cherry and gets away with it.

A Stephen King movie was filmed here so it has an eerie stigma. It was filmed in the 80’s and Christopher Walken’s character lives in this place and there’s a scene where he comes out of the house in to the park and that is all I learned about this house so there you go super fact fans. We also saw a house that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman stayed in. There’s a jillion B&B’s in NOTL.

This was built for a murder scene in some movie or other and then left behind for the town and now people get married beneath it I like that!

Mom was right, we would love the bathroom.

I love these roses they remind me of red delicious apples. What a neat name right. I have it backward though but either way it’s so simple, what kind of apple is this? It’s delicious! Yes, I know that but what is the genus of it? DELICIOUS. Who’s on first? OMG Shut up!

Church! SHHHH. I’m the warm weather is bringing out my ADD so I will be skimping on the boringer photo captions kay.

Looks boring? Wrong! First ever brothel in Canada. Holla! We got away with shit back then cos of the Monarch being all the way over in England and I guess too being like Western smug enthusiast rebels. Oh Canada. My mom said Raymi would have fit in back then hey now! Totally.

Mom’s little Londoner boots.

Swanky big bed. Watching all the period pieces I do it was surreal to stay in a nice place like this, I love four poster beds. Do people sound like idiots when they are like I like this! I like that! It sounds very claimy to me. But, one likes what one likes. I feel a bit aristocratic sometimes, why not.

What is this Washington? Well, it’s a city on the water and has a lot of history, it’s a wealthy town. Mike the maintenance guy who chauffeured us to dinner said it’s crazy how many flowers there are in the spring and summer and I laughed because he said it like he meant it and he laughed too. The pressure of perfection in an idyllic town is felt by those amongst it.

Ange said it doesn’t matter that she’s poor, she’s happy, she has been a tour carriage rider for (five years she said?) and it made me happy to hear that as we were being pulled by Maple down to the water. She really does live a fairytale fantasyland world existence, everyone says miss or madam, it is like stepping in to Beauty and the Beast, ornate tea rooms, flowers, landmarks going back centuries that still stand and her brain is a catalogue of historical facts. Angie does not have to live in the present. It’s amazing. She also had a Disney voice too, I am serious.

That will be a great chair to base another painting on. I shall.

This dude was staring them down in bed all night. Ha.

After the spa. Is our hair funny?

Patricia Romance’s house! She wasn’t home (closed Mondays). We are big Romance fans. Google her paintings. They star her family and now the little baby in the paintings is grown up and had a baby and now that baby stars in the paintings. Cute right?

My mom made this one black and white. Throw an antique on it!

Gettin’ smashed in the face by spring all day it was a great vitamin d dose. Happy day sunshine. Surrounded by whimsy and nostalgia of great, great old.

Adorablah LCBO over there. That is our booze store to the American Little Raymis.

Remind me I have cherry bombs in my suitcase jajjaja. Firecrackers. Mom stole them from Uncle Mike. I like this picture.

Allergies kicking in a bit. Just a runny nose. From the coldish ride. This is in front of the apothecary. Ballin’. It was closed too, no prob I like window snooping. Inevitably I couldn’t tolerate anymore shopping so I ditched and sat at a little place and had a beer and chillaxed in the sun ahhhhh.

The posters on the wall, paintings actually, so add to the place. So many mirrors, Lois says that’s a trick to make the place seem bigger and it works, it is both cavernous and open feeling. Mom I want that video! We (Lois) left the room key in the room so we were stuck out in the hall in our robes and slippers with moet we were trying to hide in our wine glasses having to get a key from front desk, yeah, stealth. But they looked the other way and bent the rules for us VIPleases and it was a grand time til that chick barfed. She went in to the sauna, for too long, also, didn’t really seem to know how to swim either, she choked on water, ugh it was bizarre. I kept an eye out once we sensed she was not right. Divapantalone (ha lol) got us comped breakfast, the works over this incident. No actually, I hinted at it. The couch was supposed to be a fold out one, I could have crashed in bed with them cos it was a King but after the movie I was fine on the cot at the end well, not so exactly, I didn’t get any sleep because I am too tall, my feet overhung and the blanket dragged them down like a giant I tossed and turned on that natural disaster aid relief sized cot in this grand expensive suite so expensive breakfast we partook on le house. Bech says always complain (some free coffee from no frills incident I am bound to hear about) and so we complained. I give four chances and then I flip out.

That, was amazing. Squid linguini, with shrimps and clam sauce. You know I never eat pasta but after that spa it made me ravenous and I wanted the full girl experience. I ate a lot of crap against my diet rules the last two days. Today I am restricting more and going for a run with Stella.

Here is where it is sinking in that every single store we will definitely be going in to, and will be inspecting everything meticulously over. I was exhausted from not sleeping, and then getting up early (I do not get up early) and pancakes made me logey blabbity blah sufficient amounts of Canadian complaining, I hauled on a dewber and prepared myself for old lady shopping war. It’s the 200 year anniversary of the war of 1812 motherfuckers watch out NOTL. You best prepare yourself from Rayminator 2 sent back in time to fuck you up and buy some earrings.

Bringing Mennonite back.

Show idea: Me eating that entire rabbit sitting in a jellybean pop art designed set in my pink wig. Done. Actually there were some teenage freaky kids about town I liked seeing. Spoiled kids with decked out swaggy harajuku style.

Nella Bella clutch helps tone my triceps.

TO BE CONTINUED.