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time to get schooled.

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first thing’s first i have to shut this door, my allergies are exploding. kids, when you get to my dusty old age you might be lucky enough to develop allergies like me. something to look forward to.

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ok now this is going well… hmm. luckily once i start talking i don’t stop until i run out of breath so there was no need to pull up my blog, the real deal is standing right in front of you, maybe wait to check it out at home with your parents so they can hit the roof lol.

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that’s me and mr. bates. he taught all of my dude friends and first bf, i’d mill about the nerd class-wasting gaggle around him back in the day in the halls. i knew this was a good teacher. he found me on facebook through all of our mutual friends and started reading my blog then i was like YOU are in luck, i’m an sss graduate.

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do you like how i am dressed like a complete total slob? me too. i dash out to the car and go to my colleague, too much? holding the chain up meanwhile the entire joke is about my see-through shirt, hella appropes. i forgot to mention that the ratty bikini top i have been wearing for years will be aiding in some more product placements in the form of uber fashionista swimsuits this summer. i was too busy talking about how many times i was in the newspaper to add that.

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i did a lot of teacher posturing. teachers lean on desks for absolutely no reason, it’s not comfortable, it has no purpose other than trying to look smarter and domineering. well, cool really.

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my hair was retarded. ok i will stop bashing myself and get on with it.

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this student was nice, she thanked me for coming afterward aww. i always made a point to come forward and thank speakers too. your peers have nothing for you, so always cling to guests like a barnacle, get their contact too and make a mentor out of them.

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i took english media in this class with mr. i forgethisname but kinda looked like douglas coupland. my fascination for advertising and all things marketing came out of this rinky dink room. standing up delivering my sideshow act definitely brought me back.

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i can see my old friend’s houses, burn out houses. all my friends who lived closest to the school were always the latest showing up.

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right off the bat i listed a bunch of perks of my blog(thug)life, girls, got my hairs sponsored, my nails sponsored, yeah, this platinum is pricey, my purse, these shoes, spokesmodel for a personal training facility, paid to party etc etc. the one blond girl in the room was all ears after that. i liked her pants. i also compared blog world to hip hop world, there’s rivals and beefs, you keep your frenemies close. got a bunch of nods out of that. haha remember the family guy episode when brian comes in rapping about romeo and juliet pffft ahaha.

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i wanted to be a teacher when i was a kid. i read to my stuffed animals and my name was mrs. clorenchio (i had a lot of italian teachers in elem school) oh man that was somehow fun for me?

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ugh i cannot believe i went as john belushi to this. when i go back to speak to the grade ten biz class i will dress like a legal secretary. though i stayed true to what i am and do. i get to sleep in! they’re all like whaaaaa? yeah it’s true. it doesn’t mean i don’t bust my balls off though (right now for instance it is 8.30am and i’ve been up since 7, coughing, but i know i have a lot on my plate today so up i am) you get to schedule when you sleep and when you blog. it’s smart to try and follow the 9-5 mon-fri work week schedule though cos that’s when cubicle farms are open for business and lazy asses are procrastinating ie. facebook, raymi’s blog.

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this kid taught me something just by asking a simple question in that innocent way only a teenager could, he goes, but, why do you care about haters? like at all? then everyone chimed in yeah why? (cos clearly i am awesome). excellent point dude.

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my canned response was my typical go-to well, i am a defensive person by nature, people push my buttons for a reaction and everybody knows raymi reacts. but he’s right, they’re right. haters are nobodies getting in my way. thanks kids. however, it’s content and people like to see me get mad. i look hot when i’m mad (ex’s have purposely picked fights with me for this very reason, sick eh) and my intelligence climaxes and the zings come out. it’s unhealthy though and i don’t like it. negativity is cancerous. i explained that part of my recipe IS that i go there, i’ll go down to their level and throw a punch, some readers like that, while others like the fairytale fantasy of shopping and pictures of jewellery. there’s something for everyone.

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i mentioned bullying a little bit, vaguely, but made comparisons to online bullying and being mean, highschool mean. one day somehow they’ll police all the internet trolls. losers who have been harassing people for years.

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class pic! we gotta do some crouching here. see the cute girls staring down at me, i love this.

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wait a minute i have an idea.

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on the count of three…

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we’re all gonna jump. haha one kid got mr. bates with the bunny ears. wicked.

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hahaheeh so cute. mr bates is awesome. wait’ll i show all my sss’ers this post.

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almost there…

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wow my stomach. thanks for that.

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landed. now lets try it again.

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whee high school musical except for that one girl. plaid shirt guy was able to jump in flip flops. impressive. kid furthest left got the most air.

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this was so fun compared to all the other nervous times i’ve presented, next time i will do even better and actually be prepared.

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oh, here we go again.

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blondie is so cute, also wearing toms. this is so never been kissed right?

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omg i am a thousand years old. i even wore a gauzy shirt like drew. ew puke.

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hahaha.

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i don’t recall jumping this many times.

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welcome to the big leagues kids.

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ahh memories.

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there’s no point in telling you what i spoke about (as i have barely any recollection of it, all original all the time haha) but mostly, if you want to hear my raymisms then i guess we’ll have to organize another speaking engagement or i dunno. there’s so much to do, so much in building an empire/brand.

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only fat girls drink diet coke. paris hilton said that. epic bitch. hilar. i was speed talking when i first showed up after sitting in traffic and arriving late, mr. bates was like speaking of tea, would you like an iced one? oh hell yes i’d love one. they were out, so it was a coke. which i haven’t had in a very long time, i’ll drink diet if anything, which is where the p. hilton quote comes from, the teacher told me that yesterday when i told him how it went. i also told mr. bates i’m seeing a teacher right now so i know alll your teacher tricks, when you run out of lessons that’s when it’s movie day! mr. bates i want to read your blog too. one highlight was getting the key to the teacher’s bathroom, i asked a girl in the hall where it was and she’s all uhh i don’t know. me either. so i went into the staff room thinking it was right there, the door closes behind me and i see all their cups hanging up and their lounge and, in my head i’m all ding ding ding this is the plot of a judd apatow flick i am standing in. i got spooked out, didn’t want to have to talk to any other teachers so i left and used the student bathroom instead meanwhile i had the golden key to the golden john. funny. colleague used the boys in the tech hall. there’s no girls bathroom down that corridor because the school was built during sexist times, there’s no way girls would take auto or tech so they don’t need bathrooms. also something funny, mr. bates has no idea where the student washrooms are ahahaha.

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busted into the library and found THE copy of on the road i used for my essay in grade 12, replete with all my notes, underlined passages, retarded emo quotes. i couldn’t believe it. i have referenced this book for years on my blog making going back to the library (and taking it) jokes, never assuming it would still be there. but it was! exactly ten years later too, i was 18 when i wrote that essay, it was the last month of school, mid-may and we had a month to work on it. spooooky kismet.

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the librarian came over and was all uhhhh? i’m like, i went here and i just did a talk, may we take photos?

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this floored me. this was my life right before i moved to brooklyn and i did not steal this book. one day some little beatnik-in-training may come upon it and be amazed. or severely irritated by all my markings. i like books to have histories, even those that don’t belong to me.

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shh i am reminiscing. no i’m trying to find the page with the most markings, i found it when the librarian came up and looked over my shoulder and it was on THE MOST defaced page ever, then it was lost.

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mr. bates you should go fetch that book.

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there were two copies of on the road. i had to cross-compare it to big sur, which is a piece of shit in comparison, i resorted to finding a kerouac fanatic in a chatroom to help me finish writing my essay. ha burn.

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yeah keep the shades on babe.

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here i am replacing it.

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i’ve had dreams of this library. the school seems the same in size, not like it’s SO SMALL when you revisit a place. lockers are painted differently, there’s a remembrance photo of mr. stern (rip) by the drama class the only thing different is the students, THEY seem younger, which i am envious of and happy for i guess.

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then we went to home hardware. this was my treasure of a job for five years (off and on) i made all my monies here. my parents were like fine if you want to go off to new york go ahead, but we’re not giving you any money. way ahead of you dudes, i’d take every paycheck, convert it into $USD and slip it between my mattresses. i am not a trust fund brat i told the students. true i do come from privilege like anybody else might but, i was determined and driven to make shit happen and if i had to do it on my own steed, then that is what i gotta do. i knew college/university would kill me, i needed to let my free spirit be and get outta dodge. i’d sit on these cement parking spot blocks smoking cigs and stare out at the bleak gray joyless shit hole mississauga nothingness and decided yeah, i am moving far away from here. more than half of my success is chalked up to spite. ha i’ll show them, and so i did.

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it was nice to see pat and see my old life.

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i had many customer fans too, i was the mouthy one who entertained and delighted and pissed off everyone. how i never got fired, phewf. the owners, my bosses, are italian, very family oldschool, so there was no way i was getting kicked out.

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staring fondly down the automotive section. one time after the metallica concert i went to when i was 15 and blew my ears out in the mosh pit, i was sorting junk down this aisle on order day and paul was like LAUREN YO HELLO talking to me then frustratedly comes up right beside me, still don’t hear him then finally i sense his presence and absentmindedly look up all confused, WHAT?! he just laughed, walked away, and i called after him WHAT!? WHAT DID YOU SAY I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING as the swan song of the last decibel of that high pitched frequency rang out in mine ears (ear plugs dudes, use ‘em wisely).

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i could tell you every single thing you do not need to know about every single product home hardware carries. i am proud to be a home hardware champ, they’re independent and canadian. i can’t tell you how many fights i’ve had with dickheads coming in and flipping out over some part we don’t have, well home depot has it, yeah well, fucking go there then. or if something was 40 cents more at h.h. they’d say rona had it cheaper. oh really? well then we know what to do, waste gas on saving forty cents brah. dude’d come back an hour later and buy the part cos rona wouldn’t have it. burn. streetsville “is the village in the city” and having an independent hardware store is essential for that nostalgic vibe. i said i’d blog about them one day, the soap opera of the hardware store, or in a book. i remember everything so there’s no rush. we had a guy with a lobotomy who would come in daily, for an hour, combing every aisle, with no recollection of having been there the day prior. a woman came in once to tell us about him. we’d all flee when he’d come in, only because he’s a talker and you’d get stuck for 20 minutes while he droned on. some days i wouldn’t avoid him. there was never a shortage of crazy (clientele) at hh.

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raymi memory lane tour continues. this is where i danced for many years.

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i’d watch burn outs walking home from school through that window. i miss dance.

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this is the park behind my house, that fence being our fence.

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oh my god my hair is getting on my nerves huge time.

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our driveway.

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this used to be the plaza. now where will everybody hang out?

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i went t preschool here and took swimming lessons in the pool. i am an amazing swimmer, little known fact. could have been a lifeguard.

well that’s enough of that. there goes the bell.