leave a message on the date machine

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5517430173/

time for some good old-fashioned relatively serious to mildly (offensive) tongue-in-cheek dating advice tips. enough of this hogwash other people try to sell you, they’re idiots. they know nothing and like the sound of their own writing voice and have been ripping me off long enough. you can’t rip me off cos i’m already ripping off something else i forget from a long time ago, who really knows when i started writing the way i do and how or which way is up anymore. people ask for advice from me because i 1. tells it likes i sees it and 2. i make fun of them at the same time which adds or takes the sting out from the harsh truth of their repetitious dating failure fuck ups. you gotta take it outside your group of friends sometimes and get aunt raymi on the case. ok did i big myself up enough yet?

ok where to begin? the online correspondence leading up to said date is pretty important to discuss. actually no, fuck that we have to start at your profile because that is where you blow it big time. i am on my FOURTH profile now never you mind why and it’s staying up until i find the one that’s it i don’t care how or where i meet him. i have figured out now finally what to not say. hey man, no one likes baggage right, or, liars. let them figure out many months down the road (if you get that far) that you are awash with emotional instabilities alright, not right off the bat, make them fall in love with you first. that is not a good look on anybody. play it cool. so write your profile then go over it and remove EVERYTHING that has red flags in it. here’s what mine is, we can analyze it together after, line by line. i kept it short this time around.

About Me

my about me section has been tampered with twice now (i have to remove this part, i look like an idiot here, and paranoid. tampered with? who, the CIA did it? hahahha), no idea why. but here it is straight (i should have just started with here it is straight, i will fix that):

i am not on here to waste my life one to two weeks at a time with you playboy types. that’s great, we’re all babetastic animals with sh*t to prove and secrets to hide but at the end of all that i am searching for more meaning. you must be willing to put up with all of my bullsh*t and accept that i do not intend to change ever, or compromise. haha no just kidding. i do enjoy a bit of a bossy type just know that it will always be a challenge with me, i say stupid things constantly, i somehow made it this far in life successfully and self-sufficiently i’m like tom hanks in BIG. how did i do it? good looks, wit, humour and knowing that ***holes finish first.

this originally was longer, i took out the part where i sad no that’s YOU actually then i went on a rant about anal-retentive people. i am actually full on erect for anal-retentive people so why the hell i lambast them on my dating profile when i am trying to attract them? see? stupid. don’t do that.

my entire blurb has humour to it, shows i am feisty with a bit of an edge. i’m coming off like a man but then i let you know i like to be controlled. i am fucking with you. this paired with my cute photos, guys don’t even care.

First Date

something amazing. no pressure though (tons).

this is your last final impression chance. no one takes this at all seriously, well some do. do not ever go on a coffee date. do not mention coffee. do you want to sit sober in the day looking at someone in an anorak at starbucks? no you do fucking not. i won’t even drink coffee with my own friends in the day. it is a total red flag if someone mentions a coffee date but if that’s for you then that’s a sign you are both not taking it seriously.

i am old fashioned. dates should take place in a restaurant or bar, early evening and he should pay. you only go dutch or pony up if you have something to prove or you plan to bone this poor slob because you have needs and now he is YOUR bitch, your prostitute. hahaha.

make sure you find out where he lives in proximity to where you meet and where you live to calculate drink for drink how much more attractive he gets and if you want to go to his or yours. usually by the second drink i know whether i want to see him with his clothes off or not. i am never impressed or attracted to who i meet off the internet right off the bat, i nervously shyly awkwardly look all around us and fake it until he makes me like him or i loosen up. i get gun shy. instantly seize up when i get there. later on i ask what their first impression of me is because i need to be validated every half hour. they always say the right thing i also do mind voodoo and blaze vanna whites at em to ensure they turn to mush asap even if i don’t like them.

then we talk. i’m out of the gates with the pissing contest first.

do NOT do this. this is why you are single. you career women beasts. us. men want to be men so let them be men. show that you have it but not all the cards because by the third drink it all tumbles out like I AM THE KING OF THE CITY I INVENTED IT ALL I DO NOT NEED YOU even though you just finally worked up the courage to mention whatever great thing it is you are proud of that you did you look like a bragging asshole. i told my date last night that i didn’t like him right after i told him i was smarter than him. he’s a teacher. it pissed him off so he got feisty and i was too spastic and exhausted to waste my energy on arguing so i went immature and pulled his pigtails by saying I DON’T LIKE YOU AT ALL (which made him really like me. seriously it did. reverse psychology works i’m like officially a wizard now). then i went on about how i was smarter than him and how technical smarts and book smarts didn’t matter what matters is beauty smarts. anyway in all that baloney i actually did realize i hated him because i saw what being with him for five years being corrected would be like. i also kind of dug it too. i manipulated him into thinking i actually was smarter than him momentarily several times. i know lots of guys want really brainy chicks because they love to argue constantly. men need challenges and bullshit and drama to survive. this is where women come in.

i think my ability to inspire self doubt in people is one of my greatest strengths and powers, yeah totally, and it’s attractive. some people want you to tell them to go fuck themselves on a regular basis. hey, NO PROBLEM!

last night i learned about the crazy/beautiful axis. i’ll draw a graph or just picture one yourself. the hotter you get the crazier you are or can be, yes?

so like the more confident i get from becoming more fit, the more obnoxious i am, the more they call me a trainwreck, the more crazy i appear and i try to snuff that out with dazzle camouflage by way of beauty adorning myself in the crap that i do and i get defensive, more crazy, the cycle continues.

so last night’s date for example, i ate chicken wings, i was late, he said i was like clementine in eternal sunshine who has a balance of crazy beautiful that she hovers between. endearing i was hunched over mawing down on chicken wings like i didn’t care (guess what i didn’t) i hate her hair. i have been compared to her before. i see it yeah yeah ok so, people, everything one says on a date is 1. intentional and 2. revealing so these tidbits of information you can choose to exploit for your own personal gain or not. me, i choose this adventure. so he wants an endearing little naive retard arty girl, and off we go. then i ate again (small salad)(i starved all day). he went out for a smoke, when he came back i said did you text a friend about me? he said he actually did. i inserted myself into his world, the discussion about me, concerning his time with me. this is manipulative. so then it comes out that we are making fun of me. i am now manipulating the friend from afar too. he texts her, “she’s eating again.”

fine, i invite my gay bestie stew over from parts and labour and say if i was a boy and gay i’d be stew. we are snarky catty and have matching earrings. date was impressed by that. stew and i kind of look identical sometimes that’s a reality in my stew is my identical twin fantasy.

stew orders a burrito we split it. date is diggin’ it because i am eating again. i say go ahead text her.

the blue eyed silver fox’s revealing gift to me was saying he needed to be liked. ding ding ding! i even pointed out to him how he just gave me some power there. always be listening girls, pay close attention. bite your tongue too, let them talk and hang themselves also they will like you more if you shut up. the more you motor mouth the more you will not be seeing him again.

anyway the point of all this is stick with a theme, choose your personality and be it. UNLESS you luck out with a wildcard who loves crazy girls. my crazy/hot readings were all over the chart. i played with my floppy turtleneck a lot.

oh yes this brings me to my next section WHAT TO WEAR?

simple. what is this guy and where are you going?

if dude is a yuppie he wants a trophy a funky one. tone down the accessories. unless he’s beneath your class then you can overdo it. guys love rich pussy. i am like a rockefeller con artist, legit not rich person (but i’m comfortable enough) right i have to dress to impress and assimilate. i’m like a spy. i get to wear all kinds of different garb for different settings but because i am tall and blond and sexy (use that if you have it, use your sexiness, women, always, very powerful thing. we will NEVER be a modern day no sexual harassment in the workplace existing species, while in the dawn of this era, men are still like cavemen, shows like mad men just bring it all back too but anyway) all i have to do to modify a look (say for a meeting, or a blog feature) is change my shoes. pointy means business. mary janes mean i want to add height and draw more attention to my legs. where the hell am i going with this? blah.

yuppie = sexy post work drinks office clothing which is particularly hot for me because i never wear that shit so i instantly get into character when i dress this way. as a teenager, i kid you not, i owned two piece power suits. sets! matching skirts and blazers tall tight black boots like i was a fucking escort. i was taking law and business courses totally intending to be a lawyer but also, dating yuppies. i was way young so i had to dress old. once those clothes were on me and i’d cruise bay, front, the looks, you just copy all the women but be better than them (wow this is turning into a minxing guide) be them but also every slutty character on ally mcbeal (that’s dating when i was actually doing this hahaha) you know the one snake bitch who uses her vagina and her meanness to get ahead. be the villain. not to be a villain but to be this character, the villain will bring you closer to posing as bay street. the funny thing was i paid for my yuppie bait costumes with my blue collar job earnings. everything from le chateau yep yep.

if you are going with a jock, go holly madison from girls next door (classy) but be kendra the tomboy jock. i went on a leafs date and i wore my manipulative pink turtleneck, tight ass grey leggings (so he and everyone could see everything) chucks (that’s where the punk comes in) and sporty tube socks. voila. boner mobscene all around me. sometimes the dude’s a dud but you can still be a prize and have fun a little bit. that outfit got us right down to golds, better seats.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5517975606/

the guy still tries to get with me and won’t take my silences as an answer. i know this was a successful outfit because all the jocks on fb from my school liked it. setting doesn’t hurt either.

if the guy is a hipster DO NOT WEAR PLAID ON THE FIRST DATE. while hipster dudes want a hipster they want a real subtle sleeper one at first like, wuuuuuh who meee? hip—stuuuuurrr?? where??

i’m going to wrap this up now i don’t know if any of this is actually helpful. ask me questions to steer me in a direction to fix your fuck ups. if not then next i will talk about such topics as how to pretend you aren’t stoned and how to hide yawning (still working on this one), and then how to write an impacting first message to hook them line and sinker. then, your photos. another, pretending to be naive. that’s a boner maker for sure. check and mate. we’ll cap it off with the benefits of dumbing it down.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5517975554/in/photostream/

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hey guess what TMR is doing a deal with TEAMBUY right now for their re-energizer boot camp spring package now you can get an ass like mine. CLICK AND BUY and i’ll see you at the next class. $25 for 4 bootcamps. xoxo oh man you should have seen the move james taught me today with one of the big balls. i was like a carousel. ok enough raunchy talk for today. (it’s never enough!)