blogger why the fuck do i have this ad-thing now? is it because i am special or annoying and vapid and ridiculous? why didn’t you email me first. no other blogs i have seen has it yet. guh? fuh? muh.
whatever.
we talked about artificial intelligence and how we have to make the pool cleaner un-a.i. to make it truely random and then i got stung by a bee on my right hand in the palm and i didn’t cry i was just like wow, what a fucker, at least the stinger didn’t go in, but to feel the pain slowly shooting up my arm etcetera etcetera… i haven’t been stung in a very long time and the pain was actually, pretty fun.
aimee and i have a free dinner date meal tonite and we are going to be on our best behaviour and not be drunk, yet at least. there’s no booze there yet. i just got off the fone with her and she is like what? and i was like i know! i asked if we could bring our own like in massachusetts and zak was like, no dice.
so i am learning more about being a website gayface and i am reading the 2002 microsoft FrontPage insideout thingamaling. im not reading the 2004 because that one isnt here. i can’t wait til i am at page 1213! it’s as thick as the yellow pages.
i’m not porn and i am not smut and i am not a slut and i have fucked more people than you prolly, well not more than tyranny has but still, up there and yeh that may be sinning according to your god or their god or my god, oh god. but what about porn stars and ron jeremy? what about sadam’s sons raping girls killing them? what about jerry springer? how about them apples?
i’m not trying to revolutionize anything
i am not asking for your respect i am not asking for your understanding i am not asking for your money i am not asking for your support i am not asking for your hand in marriage or a bond or trust or faith or loyal readership lovership hovership
i just like to do what i do
i don’t want to be a bad role model
i don’t want your children to smoke cigarettes
ever
but if they do, i don’t want to be the one you throw forks at
don’t blame marilyn manson for columbine, silly america
don’t blame iraq for 9/11 don’t even blame osama don’t blame michael moore don’t blame britney spears for chewing gum and holding pepsi in her hands
don’t even blame paris hilton for being famous for nothing, you birthed her, you put her in your shopping kart of tabloids and made her the skinny pretty she is
she isn’t famous for nothing, that is such total garbage when people say that
anyhow
what happens from here?
we’re so smart we’re outsmarting ourselves i think
“blame canada” – south park duders
this is the only planet we have that we know of so far, that they tell us, and look what we’re doing to it
harjinder, in the crazy hospital, told me why can’t we just look at flowers and the birds, who doesn’t want that? seriously. and then he hugged me because he knew i was afraid of him but liked him because i seriosuly believed he was osama and i gave him this green face cloth and said that it represented world peace to me and to never lose it, and i wrapped it around an apple that i washed for him and i said why did you want me to strangle you when we were in the lock-up room, you scared me. anyway, i told him about 9/11 and how i was suffering from post-trauma and he kinda chuckled but then it wigged him out so much he had to leave the table and go to his room because i was crying and he said i laughed at america, at those people, but now i see how it can affect one girl, one 20 year old girl in canada who lived there and here she is now. we were both so skinny and not eating right and schizophrenics were barking at each other behind us and my mum kept coming in all amused by it but mum, you don’t know what it was like for me to be there, you get to come by and drop off some magazines and journals and a few hello kitty shirts and i have to wake up in fear and panic and try to escape and have anxiety attacks and hang out with people who are trying to have sex with me and people so out of their minds that to me it seems like they are telling the mother-fucking truth.
anyway.
i still want to be an ambassador for to the UN for Canada.
well u have to go, crackdale. u have to be assessed. and the medical shit takes so long. go to your family doctor and talk to him/her and tell em to refer you someplace. there are so many people who are all anti-doctors but dude, seriously, they’re doctors for a reason
if there is a chemical imbalance in your brain in your soul
that is something you cannot possibly talk yourself out of, u know what i mean
i felt the same way
for a long time
my rationalizing no meds was all, why and how can some funny little pill fix me when i am still drowning in my sorrows, the pill makes me think i am cloud 9 whilst still surfing in the seventh circle of hell
when really, crack, it helps you function and get thru yer pain
and not ever forget it
at least go talk to someone
take it from a 21 yr old who has been hospitalised 3 times
and i met so so many people your age and older in there
suffering
and they are all embarassed over it
you said so yerself, yer parents are the ones who make u not like/trust doctors
why? what’s THEIR deal. what is wrong with them?
people avoid doctors, specifically parents, because they do not ever want to be blamed for what may be wrong with their kids, when really it isnt blame, it opens you up and helps you understand yourself and your flaws and why you keep fucking up or why fucking up keeps happening to you
there are ten million other things i could/should/would say
